This topic contains 19 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Broad_Sided_One 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
- March 18, 2017 at 5:08 pm #678541
Thank-you Ange. I will likely return at some point. I just don’t want to do it while feeling so fragile. Even with her blocked, I am aware we share mutual friends and family.March 18, 2017 at 5:26 pm #678544
Thank-you Kate for such a thoughtful and kind response. I know my sister is very sick emotionally. She’s on a lot of sedatives that were supposed to help her with the tremors she got after abusing alcohol. I fully expect that if she doesn’t stop, she won’t live long.
You are correct about the middle child guilt thing. It’s definitely something I took two steps backwards on after years of finally learning to not accept what I am not responsible for.
My biggest challenge is grieving her and letting her go.
I just had no idea I would be faced with this so soon after losing my mother.March 18, 2017 at 5:44 pm #678548
Addiction is just horrific in what it does to families. And that middle-child thing is a powerful force. My mom has it really bad.March 18, 2017 at 5:45 pm #678549
Hi S. I did send everyone a group email to let them know I was taking a break from Facebook to tend to some personal and health issues. I have messenger, so any of my connections can get a hold of me. I haven’t lost contact with those closest to me and I feel very appreciative to that support in a more private setting.
I got off of Facebook so that I wouldn’t snap back myself and say things publicly that I could never take back. The hurt and anger I felt then and still feel now is very real. I also knew it wasn’t fair to any of our mutual connections to hear me rant which is a temptation when you are still hurting.
I will likely go back when I am ready. Of course there will always be people that will judge me unfairly. They will do that whether I am on FB or not. My goal is to get strong enough to not care.March 20, 2017 at 10:14 am #678684
I’m really sorry for your loss. Know that this isn’t about you – this is about your sister. She’s dealing with her issues and you were the easiest target. The reasons don’t really matter so don’t torture yourself trying to figure them out.
You’re absolutely right – you are now grieving the relationship that you may never have again with your sister. The sad part is that that little sliver of hope is probably eating away at you more than if she were to have actually died.
If you’re inclined, write your sister a letter, outlining all of the reasons you will miss her. Let her know that she hurt you deeply. Let her know that you’ll always be her sister but you won’t be her punching bag. Include whatever message of forgiveness (or not) is best for you.
Don’t send it. Just pour your heart out and let it go. Burn it up. Shred it. Make it symbolic if you like. But your sister has become toxic, so much so that it would be unhealthy for you to try to maintain any relationship as she is now.March 23, 2017 at 7:09 am #679166
I’m so sorry for what you have been going through with your sister. My take on this is it is her and not you because my mom is the exact same way with her sister. My mom absolutely hates her sister. They have very different personalities, but my mom takes this hatred to a whole new level. She brings up slights that happened when they were children…such as my aunt breaking my mom’s angel figurine when she was 5. She cannot be in the same room as her. At a recent family wedding she even refused to be in photos because her sister was there. In the past she has accused her of stealing from their elderly father. She talks about her with hatred and nothing I can say can change her mind. I think part of this stems from jealousy. My aunt has a PhD and is a professor and very busy teaching and doing research at a well known university. My mom, when she worked, was a realtor and overall was not very successful. I think another part of this stems from mental illness/severe personality issues. Honestly. My mom is screwed up although she would never acknowledge this. She thinks she is right at all times. She is very self centered (overly so) and always wants to be the center of attention. She has a habit of cutting people out of her life (like your sister is doing) and not speaking to them for a long period of time. My aunt has asked my why? She doesn’t understand why her sister hates her and won’t speak to her. From my viewpoint it is all due to my mom’s issues and insecurities and nothing to do with my aunt. I think the best thing for you to do is to let this all go, grieve for the sister you wish you had, live you life as happily and positively as you can, don’t think about your sister so much. If she ever does reach out be polite yet keep your distance emotionally. You can’t trust her ever again. An emotionally healthy person would have talked to you in person about her feelings and inner conflict and resolved it one on one…not blasted personal business all over facebook or cut you off. Your sister is a mess.March 30, 2017 at 3:20 pm #680037
Hi LisforLeslie. I like your idea and have done this. The letter is there and it will not be mailed. I know this is not a relationship to go chasing after, no matter how much I miss the good parts of her. Some things really do cross a line and she really is toxic in many areas of her life, not just with me. Thank-you for putting out a great suggestion.March 30, 2017 at 3:32 pm #680038
Thank-you Morecoffeeplease for sharing your personal experience with this. It initially shocked the hell out of me because I really have come a long way from that home we were all raised in. My sister learned young to create drama and always act like a victim.
I am beginning to accept that some people are just hateful inside and no amount of love and understanding is going to change that.
I am at peace that I did nothing to bring on such a cruel act. Even if she was legitimately mad at me, she always had the opportunity to talk to me in private. Instead, she wanted to lash in a very public way with no provocation. I would say she has broken a trust that can never be repaired.
I’m sad this is how it’s ending with us, but she doesn’t get to define me. I have since returned to Facebook and have blocked her and anyone close to her that isn’t a part of my life.
I am letting her go.