Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Name Change Mess

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Name Change Mess

This topic contains 88 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 days, 21 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 89 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #695802 Reply
    avatar
    Cancer2988

    I am getting married in exactly one month. Problem is, I never got around to changing my name back to my maiden name after my divorce. Here is the big kicker: I want to change my name after I marry my fiancé to MyName MiddleName MaidenName HisName. I want two unhyphenated last names.

    He is very unsupportive of my choice to keep my maiden name. His argument is “you didn’t keep your maiden name for your ex, why were you willing to give it up for him and not me?”. Well, firstly my previous marriage has nothing to do with my current relationship. Secondly, I was younger and not as feminist. Thirdly, at the time my brother was planning on having children and now he and his wife are not. So I am the only way my maiden name will continue. I have no uncles or anyone else who will be ale to carry on the name. And lastly, and the least important, I dislike his last name. It sounds terrible with my first name and its meaning is just “bleh”. He has absolutely no contact with his father or that side of his family, so I don’t know why he has any sort of attachment. In fact, he has told me before that he asked his mom’s brother to adopt him when he was younger so that he could have their last name.

    I am adamant about the two last names, and will be fine being referred to as “Mrs. HisLastName” socially. But, I do want my two last names to pass on to my children. That way they have his last name and my maiden name.

    Another thing is I’m wondering if I should do a quick scramble to change my name back to my maiden name prior to the wedding, or will it be fine to just change it from my divorced name to my MaidenName HisName after the wedding? I only go by my divorced name legally, so even our wedding invitations/social media I am under my maiden name. Though I am concerned about having my divorced name on my new wedding certificate.

    *sigh* What to do?

    #695808 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    My wife uses her birth name as her middle name. It’s easy, because she never had a birth middle name. I caution you that going by 4 unhyphenated names can cause a ton of problems on forms and official records. Four names is very French and all, but a lot of American systems choke on it. My wife’s father has two middle names and it has caused a lot of difficulties. He then used two initials and one of his middle names, followed by last name. He got totally lost in hospital once and the nurses were astounded to find he wasn’t Vietnamese as the computers combined two initials to form a new first name.

    #695810 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    I wouldn’t quickly change your name only to change it again in a month. I don’t see how that would fix anything.

    Maiden names can be passed on to kids as middle names. Happens all the time.

    #695815 Reply
    avatar
    Cancer2988

    I have absolutely no intention of replacing my middle name. I like my middle name. And to put my maiden name as a middle name completely misses the point of keeping it. No one cares about middle names. I am proud of my maiden name and am much more attached to it than he is to his last name.

    My family has land that has been passed down for several generations. The stipulation is that the land must be owned by a MyMaidenName; otherwise it will be sold. If my children have my maiden name as their middle name only and not their last name, then they would not be able to inherit the land.

    #695820 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    Alrighty then. Keep your maiden name and pass it on to your kids. Your fiance sucks and is wrong.

    #695823 Reply
    avatar
    SpaceySteph

    Ok so first of all, yeah I wouldn’t bother to change your name before the wedding. Honestly, you probably wouldn’t get everything done in a month and then to go through all that same paperwork again? You could spend half your life in line at Social Security that way! Besides, a lot of people have parts of their full legal names that they don’t go by. Your marriage license is usually something you keep in a file folder not something you display, so it doesn’t matter much what it says.

    I recommend separating the two issues you are having. One is what you name yourself and the other is what you name your kids. Your fiance gets equal say in what you name your future children, but he does not really have a voting share in what you name yourself. I would address the naming of yourself with him first. Explain to him why you want YOU (not your future children) to bear your maiden name and ask for him to support you in your naming yourself what you want. Although I’d probably leave out the part that you don’t like his last name…

    Once you have that settled, you can begin discussing your future children. But I wouldn’t dwell on it too much, because you might feel differently in a few years when the kids are a reality. You might really like your two last names or you might have run into some of the issues Ron mentions and realize you’d rather not saddle your kids with that.

    #695824 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I’m really confused. You seem very clear about what you want to do so do it. Do you have children or are these hypothetical children? Your fiancé is having a bitch fit about you keeping your name, how is he going to be with your two-last name plan for your (hypothetical?) kids? His reaction seems to be your actual problem and it is not a good look on him at all. Is he normally like this?

    #695825 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    So, these seem like two separate issues to me. Unless I’m misunderstanding, the fact that your husband wants you to change your last name to his last name has nothing to do with whether or not you scramble to go back to your maiden name before changing it to Maiden Name + His Last Name. Right?

    In any case, I wouldn’t change your name now if you’re going to change it again soon. Doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not sure what difference it makes if your current, legal last name is on your marriage certificate. (I’m not married — is there something I’m missing here?)

    As for your husband wanting you to take his last name, I have no advice to offer. If I ever get married, I think I’d want to keep my last name.

    #695827 Reply
    avatar
    SpaceySteph

    Sorry, I was typing when you posted the update. Seems that having your maiden name is a real bonus for your future children. Surely he can understand that? Maybe rather than make it about names, make it about keeping their ties to the family land.

    Although once the land is passed from whoever made that stipulation to the next generation, would it still be in force? As in, if your grandpa dies and the land passes to your dad, doesn’t your dad get to decide who inherits it from him? Maybe he would be willing to keep the family land for his grandchildren regardless of their last name.

    #695831 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I think what you are saying is that you would have a first name, one middle name and two last names. When you filled in a blank you would put both last names in the last name blank. You wouldn’t try to put one of them in the middle name blank. I don’t see that as being much different than a hyphenated name and don’t see why it would cause problems. Your biggest problem would be if they won’t fit on the line. I have a long last name and sometimes my one last name doesn’t fit.

    I kept my maiden name. I’ve never had a married name. Socially I am sometimes called by my husband’s last name but people know my name and nobody cares that I have my own name. My husband wasn’t at all bothered by me keeping my name. My name is my identity and reflects my heritage through my dad. My husband’s name wouldn’t do much for me. The nice thing a double last name would do for you and your kids is help to separate you from other people who have the same full name. I run into people who have had problems with identity because someone has the same full name. It happens at the library. It happens with medical bills. It happens with court records. My friend’s husband was billed for medical bills that weren’t his and had to go to a great deal of trouble to prove that it wasn’t him. Even though their last name isn’t that common there is a man with the same full name in our region and that was enough. They both had the same health insurance and the other man’s bills were put on the friend’s account. I don’t know if his medical records were also mixed up. I also know a woman who must carry around a notarized statement saying that she is not the woman from a neighboring state who has the same name who has been to prison and has DUIs and lost her driver’s license. She must be able to present her notarized statement to prove she is another woman who happens to have the same full name but no criminal record. She can’t renew her driver’s license without her notarized statement.

    I wouldn’t get married without working this out with your fiance. The two of you need to agree on children’s last names now. I take it as a warning sign that your fiance considers it significant that you want your own maiden name. It’s like he is measuring how much you value him by the name you take. In my mind that is a red flag because he isn’t confident in the relationship. The value of your marriage isn’t determined by last names. Commitment isn’t determined by last names. If marriage itself doesn’t reassure him then why would a name change help?

    #695835 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Why take your husband-to-be’s last name at all? Why not just switch your name back to your maiden name and call it a day? You already said you don’t like your husband’s last name and don’t like the way it sounds with your first name, so why are you even thinking about taking it? To appease your husband? I’m sorry, but fuck that shit. It’s fucking 2017 — if he wants you to have the same last name, he can take your name. Why does it always have to be the women who changes names? You saw how well that worked the first time you did it, so why on earth would you want to do it again?

    I’d really consider this a serious red flag, to be honest. Your dude sounds like a dick. If he’s unsupportive about what name you choose for yourself, what else is he going to be upsupportive and misogynistic about?

    #695840 Reply
    avatar
    Janelle

    You say his last name doesn’t mean anything to him but clearly it does. Perhaps that should be the discussion you have with him. He may have long ago wanted to change his name but I can see the prospect of children and passing on his name could change this. I get not liking his name but if I was a man and my fiancé told me that I’d be hurt. It’s like saying “I don’t like how you were born”. Ouch.

    Also don’t change your name first. It’s not cheap or easy and likely couldn’t be done in time anyway. Just do it once you are married.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 89 total)
Reply To: Name Change Mess
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.