Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Name Change Mess

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This topic contains 88 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 4 days, 21 hours ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 89 total)
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  • #695843 Reply
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    Cancer2988

    To be clear I have never told him that I don’t like his last name. I know that would hurt his feelings and I would never do that intentionally.

    Thanks for the advice on not changing my name back prior to the wedding. It was a bit off-topic but I didn’t know if anyone thought I’d have issues trying to change my name from My Ex-Husbands name to MaidenName HusbandsLastName.

    #695844 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Also, don’t assume your children will automatically have your last name if you have your maiden name. In every family that I know where the wife kept her maiden name, including my own, the children have their father’s last name.

    The two of you need to agree on the names of your children. You need to work this out before marriage. Don’t spring it on him when you are pregnant or after the baby is born when you are filling out the birth certificate. I think he would feel betrayed. Also make sure he knows that you consider your maiden name as much of the last name as his name and that if your name comes first your initial would be their initial. If he was filling out a form their last name would be both names on the form. He couldn’t fill out a form for the child and put only his last name on it because that isn’t the child’s legal name. Make sure this is completely clear and agreed to before getting married. If this is a dealbreaker it is better that you break up before the wedding rather than ending up split up soon after the birth of a baby with both of you angry over the name of your child. If the two of you can’t agree on this then you shouldn’t be married.

    #695845 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’d also check with a lawyer and see if a two name last name would meet the requirements for your children to inherit the land or are they required to have only your last name.

    How much is the land worth? Your husband may value his last name more than he values land that his kids might someday inherit.

    #695846 Reply
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    Northern Star

    “I didn’t know if anyone thought I’d have issues trying to change my name from My Ex-Husbands name to MaidenName HusbandsLastName.” No, if it’s your legal name, what possible issue could there be?

    Except for the issue that you didn’t care enough about keeping your maiden name to change it when you got divorced, or when you thought of it at any point after divorce—and it’s only NOW that you care, upon your marriage to someone else. But that’s not a legal problem whatsoever.

    #695849 Reply
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    Janelle

    Don’t quote me on this but just suddenly changing your name is a much more difficult process than doing it when married. Also doing it twice is twice the pain. I recall my mom doing both over the years and however it works you don’t have to petition the court or something if it is due to marriage or divorce where as if it is not or not part of your divorce (you can ask the court to change it at the time of the divorce) it is a bigger pain. For that reason I would just wait until the marriage. Plus save the money, I am not sure how expensive it is but would be wasted money to do it for a few months.

    For what it’s worth I would do Janelle Banana Hammock Husband.

    Plenty of people do in fact do that. It maintains your maiden name and represents your husband. You can call yourself whatever you want socially, professionally and one more name truly doesn’t ruin anything clerically. People use all sorts of variations. I don’t want to get rid of my middle name…I will probably drop my maiden name as I have no interest in honoring my father at all.

    #695854 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    This is slightly off-topic, but I think some of you may find this interesting. A friend of mine is Indian, and she married an Indian guy. Their families are from different regions, and have different cultures and religions. In whatever region he’s from, when a woman gets married, the tradition is to change first AND last name. I was so surprised when I learned about this because I had no idea what’s considered the norm in other cultures. Anyway, neither was raised in India and both have had relatively western upbringings. My friend didn’t change her name when they got married — not her first, not her last — and his family basically thinks she’s a disgrace for it. His sister, for example, changed her name when she got married and now has a new first name. I would have a hard enough time changing my last name, but my first name? NOPE.

    #695860 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    That is interesting Copa, I’ve never heard of that before. Good for her for noping right out of that tradition.

    #695864 Reply
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    Cancer2988

    My first impression is to say “screw yourself”, Northern Star, as you do not know my situation and why it has taken me the two years since my divorce to change my name back. It wasn’t that I didn’t “care enough” to change it back. I do not owe you an explanation. I am simply asking advice on how to deal with an unsupportive fiancé. Mk, pumpkin?

    The issue I’m afraid I will run into is that since I live in the bible belt of the US, I have heard of several women finding barriers with DMV/SS staff when they wish to change their last name to anything other than strictly their husband’s surname.

    #695865 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Let’s not come on here and call people names, like “Pumpkin.” Or tell people to screw themselves.

    #695866 Reply
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    Cancer2988

    I apologize. I just felt that the statement “Except for the issue that you didn’t care enough about keeping your maiden name to change it when you got divorced, or when you thought of it at any point after divorce—and it’s only NOW that you care, upon your marriage to someone else” was rude and making an uninformed assumption.

    #695867 Reply
    Portia
    Portia

    Changing your name temporarily a month before a wedding is probably a moot point – if you aren’t getting married, you have to petition the court for a court order, in some places publish your name in a local newspaper, and get a bunch of forms notarized. All that would be pretty hard to do if not impossible based on your timeline and also all the other planning you’re likely doing to prepare for a wedding. That’s not even touching the Social Security office and DMV, plus anywhere else you have your name (bank accounts, property you own, etc.). Changing it when you get married (or divorced) is the easiest point to do it.

    As for the fiance problem – you are in fact taking his last name and for some reason that’s not enough for him? Why not just style your name like Offred (of Fred) from Handmaid’s Tale, maybe then that’ll be enough… /s

    #695868 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @Juliecatherine She did what felt right to her, which is what I think everyone should do. Sucks that her husband’s family is so traditional, though, it’s definitely caused some tension with her in-laws.

    @cancer2988 What kind of issues are they having at the DMV/SS? It’s literally not anyone else’s decision what you choose for your name to be (it’s not even your husband’s!), so unless they’re not bringing some sort of required paperwork, I don’t see what the problem would be.

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