Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Name Change Mess

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This topic contains 89 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by avatar carolann 2 months ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 90 total)
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  • #695932 Reply
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    RedRoverRedRover

    I didn’t change my name. I could tell that my husband was a bit disappointed, but when I asked if he was ok with it, he said “of course, it’s your name, you should do what you like with it”. Any other answer would have been pretty concerning to me. As to kids, while I agree that he should have a say in their last name, his say doesn’t include cutting her out completely. It’s not a veto power. You either come to an agreement beforehand, or you don’t have kids.

    #695937 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Yeah, I think it would be good to find out if it truly has to go to someone with that name or if that just meant someone in the lineage.

    The concerning part here, which others have pointed out, is that your fiance is handling this so poorly. It’s easy to look at this and think that it’s this particular situation that upsets him, but this indicates something about how he responds to disagreements over things that are important to him. I would be wary of what that would mean for the future — next time something big comes up that you guys disagree on, is he going to act petulant? Are you guys even going to be able to resolve that potential future issue? I’ve had friends whose partners were disappointed about the name thing (and the guys were a little confused about why they cared since they felt they were pretty liberal usually), but because they are mature people, they got over it and understood that their partners were autonomous human beings and that the name was unimportant in the scheme of things. I’m also a little curious — it’s a month away, when did you guys start discussing this?

    For me, personally, I’d probably say, “this is what I’m going to do with my name. Is this something you can get over, or are you going to resent me for it?” If the answer was anything other than, “I can get over it,” then I would probably not feel ready to get married until we could establish an appropriate form of handling conflict.

    #695957 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    It’s amazing to me you are even having a fight about your name. Especially since you ARE taking his name. And you know…. It’s YOUR name and all. He has no skin in that game. If he doesn’t want to be Mr. your name, that’s fair. You are entitled to feel exactly the same for exactly the same reasons.

    As for the kids, if you are okay about socially being Mrs his name, are you okay with the kids being socially known by his last name too. I ask because my nephew had both his parents’ last names as his last name legally but only really went by his dad’s. Would this satisfy everyone’s expectations? They legally have your name so can inherit but are known by his so everyone thinks the kids are his (?) I have no idea what his justifications are.

    If you actually want the kids to be known by your last name too then you just have to say so. He meets you half way (not even since you are taking his name as part of yours and he isn’t) or not at all. Tell him since he doesn’t like your compromises then he is free to come up with some on his own.

    As for men changing their names, yep it’s harder. So what? You know what else is hard? Pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. An application before a judge is a walk in the park.

    #696103 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    Any updates on this, Cancer? I hope you’re putting the marriage on hold until he accepts your name choice. Honestly, he sounds like a sexist control freak and I’d be wary.

    I’m also curious, when you say you agree on other gender roles/ traditions, what those are? Is there anything about which you veer from tradition? Because it’s one thing to say you agree on everything else if everything else includes you staying home, being the primary childcare person, the cook, the maid, etc. and he’s the primary breadwinner; it’s quite a different thing if you make the same or more money than he does and/or share equally in domestic duties. Just curious…

    #696106 Reply
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    ele4phant

    In my state men have to go through an entirely different and expensive legal process to change their names after marriage

    Wait what? Not that I disbelieve this, but why? Why would it matter what gender someone is if they’re trying to change their names?

    #696107 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Probably because women are expected to change their name upon marriage so it’s a simple procedure, whereas if a guy wants to change his name it’s like, I now want to legally be someone else, and I have to explain why.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar Kate.
    #696108 Reply
    Portia
    Portia
    Participant

    I remember reading somewhere that fewer than 10 states have a gender-neutral process for changing a name after marriage, and in all other states you have to go through the regular name change process. And even in California there was a court case about it and it was only changed very recently, like last 5 years.

    #696111 Reply
    Portia
    Portia
    Participant

    As of 2015 (at least according to this article), California, New York, Hawaii, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Oregon, Iowa, Georgia, and North Dakota are the only states where a man only needs a marriage license to change their name.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/i-took-my-wifes-last-name-and-was-shocked-by-how-different-the-process-is-for-men-2015-12

    #696112 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Yay, Massachusetts! Obviously not New Hampshire, that “drug-infested den.”

    #696113 Reply
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    SpaceySteph

    A marriage license is good enough for a man to change his name in Texas. My friend’s husband did it almost 7 years ago. They did get crap from the DMV lady when they went to do it, but eventually got through to her that it wasn’t geneder-specific.

    I thought Texas was backwards as hell, but maybe we’re not so bad…

    #696120 Reply
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    Fyodor

    “. His last name is notorious in our area an is associated with not-very-nice people. Which is why he did not have anything to do with that side of his family.

    “My family is much better-off than his family.”

    “It sounds terrible with my first name and its meaning is just “bleh”.

    You as an equal partner are entitled to be named whatever you want
    but you’ve crapped on your husband’s family and his name quite a bit in a small amount of posting on the internet. There’s absolutely no way that he hasn’t picked up on it. It’s one thing to say “I won’t let our kids have your name because I’m an equal partner with my own identity.” It’s another thing to say “I don’t want my kids having your name because your family is garbage and I hate your name.” The fact that you didn’t care about your maiden name in your last marriage, didn’t care about it after your divorce, and only care about it now, are pretty good indicators that your low opinion of your husband’s background/status are driving your decision. And it’s crazy not to expect him to take that personally.

    #696121 Reply
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    Fyodor

    My wife did not change her name and I never pressed the issue but if she refused because she thought my family was garbage, I’d take that pretty personally.

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