Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice!!

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 1 week, 1 day ago.

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  • #738989 Reply
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    Kat

    Hey my boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years he is separated from his wife for 3 years( his wife cheated on him with a co worker)
    I know he has no intentions on getting back with her,
    The thing is I would love to get married to this man one day but neither are in any rush for the divorce
    They have two children together 12 and 9
    I also have only met his mum on his side.
    I havnt met his kids but he has met mine also met my family and friends…
    We’re very much in love with one another but in the back of my head I know what I want,I’m a a point in my life That I want to settle down and want a future with him I would be over the moon if he were to ask me to marry him but I can wait…. but for how long?
    It does get to me sometimes she still uses his name ect, she’s also his goto person if for example car breaks down or needs help with things.
    They all go on family days out.
    I feel it’s a weird set up,

    Any advice would be greatful
    Do I stay and wait?

    Thanks

    #739016 Reply
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    sarah

    If you want a husband find one that is not married period end of sentence no but we love each other or any other excuses. It’s really that simple if someone loves you and only you they don’t stay married to someone else, you don’t live in a soap opera. It’s been 3 years and he is still married to her, he is not getting divorced or at least anytime in the near future, he is not going to marry you. And quit fantasizing you don’t know if he has intentions to get back together with her, you know what he tells you. From the outside 3 years and no divorce, not meeting his kids doesn’t sound like he is done with her, It sounds like wishful thinking from you. Again if you want a husband find a man that is not married, your loving him will not change that.

    #739021 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    He isn’t available for marriage so if that is important to you find a different man. He is living his life in a way that benefits his kids. Family days out are great for kids, especially when the parents are divorced. Him helping her with things like the car is him helping his kids. Would you prefer that his kids end up stranded somewhere because their dad won’t help their mom?

    He is a man with a family. He will continue to be a man with a family. If you can’t stand the time he spends with his family and the help he gives to them you need to find a man who has no family. It is okay to realize that a man with a preexisting family isn’t for you. What isn’t okay is for you to think it is weird for him to help his family or to spend time with them as a family.

    #739107 Reply
    PanicPenguin
    PanicPenguin
    Member

    It has been two years and you haven’t met his children? That, for me, would be enough to MOA. You want something (marriage) that he cannot provide: he’s already married!

    I find it odd that you are uneasy with him providing stability for his children: days out, assistance with vital car repair, his WIFE using his last name (not ex, and even if she were it’s been her last name for many years and isn’t obligated to change it). What IS odd is not meeting his family (other than his mom), not meeting his children, that they haven’t even started the process of divorcing…

    MOA. This man doesn’t want the same things from the relationship as you.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by PanicPenguin PanicPenguin.
    #739110 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    One of the most important things I’ve learned from this site is that people generally do what they want to, what makes them happy, what they’re motivated to do. If they’re *not* doing something, it’s probably because they don’t really want to.

    Your guy sounds like he’s quite content with his life the way it is. His family is officially separated, but not so separated in practice, still does stuff with the (ex) wife and kids, and he has you on the side. He doesn’t seem particularly motivated to change that situation. If he was, he’d be filing for divorce, he’d be introducing you to his kids and the rest of his family, integrating you fully into his life, and starting to form a new family unit with you. That’s not happening. Even after two years. That tells me he’s good with things the way they are.

    That said, I think you’re overlooking some important things about how a relationship works when your partner has kids. That connection with the ex and the kids *will never go away*. Those things he’s doing, like helping if the car breaks down? He’s helping his kids. If something breaks at the house? It’s his kids’ house. Of course he’s going to help get it fixed. He’s being a good father. It’s going to be like this for the rest of the time you’re with him. If it’s not something you can accept, don’t date men with kids.

    As for her keeping his name? Many of my divorced friends continue to use their ex husband’s name because it was the name they’ve used professionally for 10-20 years. It’s the name they’re known by in their business or career. One divorced friend who doesn’t work kept her ex’s name because she felt weird having a different last name than her kids. It’s his ex’s choice.

    #739151 Reply
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    K$

    Its weird because this situation is all wrong. He needs to divorce his wife if he wants to be with you. End of discussion. But I dont think he will because he doesnt want to leave her. He is getting his cake and eating it too. He has the wife, the kids, the girlfriend and the freedom to whatever he wants because both women have their heads in the sand.

    #739204 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    No one can tell you how long to wait. But I don’t wait for anything unless there are signs that it’s likely to happen. There are currently no signs at this point that he truly wants to be married to you or that he will get divorced at all. After three years, there’s not much more likelihood that it’ll happen a month from now than 5 years, 10 years, never. And if he hasn’t let you meet his kids, then he’s not really that serious, since he’s sort of keeping you separate from his real life.

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