Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 10 hours, 58 minutes ago.

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  • #726238 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    I texted a close friend the other day that I love and care about him because if something ever happened to me ( since these mass shootings are happening often lately I felt it was important to let him know ) I wanted him to know that I did. I thought that was sweet of me to do. He told me that I should stop worrying and I will be fine-nothing like that will happen. I replied it could happen, nobody knows that for sure. I just would like your love and support too. He never texted me back after that.

    I am really hurt by his lack of replying and him not saying he loved me back as a friend. He texted me the next day and it was about something else though. I replied and then asked him how come you didn’t reply to my last text from the other day and mentioned I didn’t want to fight with him. He replied,”Well if you don’t want to fight then it’s better I don’t answer your question. I need some space. Please don’t contact me for a few days.” I told ok I will leave you alone then.

    This hurts me so much to not know why he didn’t reply to that text. I just don’t know what to do in this situation? He is one of my best friends. We consider each other like brother and sister. In the past he has told me he loved and cared for me as a friend, so why couldn’t he this time ( it’s been a while since we said something like that to each other) is what I don’t understand?? I would appreciate any advice. Thank you.

    #726243 Reply
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    LeslieJoan

    You already got advice on your other thread, and in your original question you managed to include that your friend was receiving inpatient mental health treatment, and that you had been asked to stop, and that you didn’t and were blocked by your friend, whereupon you started contacting another of his friends.

    Not liking the direct advice you got doesn’t make it appropriate to keep massaging your question to try to get the answer you want to hear. When a person does not want to have contact with you any more, it may be very sad for you, but you need to accept that no matter what your reasons are, they aren’t required to respond.

    #726244 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    It sounds to me like he just didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of the conversation you were very intent on starting. A lot of people don’t want to think about mass shootings happening to them and you can’t really blame them for it since dwelling on that type of ‘what if’ is a recipe for anxiety and depression. Speaking of which…do you struggle with either or both of those? You sound like you’re maybe not in a great place and I’m wondering if that has been the case for awhile since your friend jumped to needing space pretty quickly from what you described. Have you been leaning on him a lot?

    #726245 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Crap is this the same person? Goddamnit I hate when I fall for that.

    #726247 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    They’ve got a different avatar, so perhaps not? But the avatars seem to be all over the place atm. Is that LW are using different computers/phones etc? Same person have 2 different avatars in same conversation.

    #726252 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    What other post are you guys talking about?

    Oh – Amanda? Doesn’t look like the same person.

    #726253 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    I think it’s the one where the LW got mad because some called her actions stalkerish. I don’t think this is the same LW.

    #726257 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Some people are uncomfortable talking about emotions. It sounds like you want this guy to express his friendship-love for you, but maybe he’s just not comfortable doing that. He may like you just fine as a friend, enjoy your company, care about what happens to you, etc. Maybe it doesn’t rise to the level of love, and he feels weird about being pressured to say that it does.

    Or maybe to him, reassuring you that things will be fine was his way of showing that he cared.

    I don’t think it ever ends well when you demand that people express their feelings in a certain way. You said you thought it was sweet of you to show your concern for him, almost like you expected appreciation and gratitude for doing that. Maybe you said it because you hoped it would get him to say the things you wanted him to say?

    I think it’s better to just appreciate people as they are, instead of having a set of expectations that they’ll behave in a certain way. Maybe he’s not the friend who’ll give you a lot of explicit love and support, but does he still make your life better by being in it? Maybe that’s enough.

    #726258 Reply
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    Boo Berry Waffles

    Asking for affection is a lot like asking for apologies- it’s never going to pan out the way it does in your head. That kind of stuff needs to be freely given and in a way the person is comfortable in offering it.

    This person has asked you for space, and if you care for them the way you describe, you’ll need to honor that.

    #726267 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    So essentially you said to him “I love you… Now tell me you love me back.”

    That’s not how that works. In general, if you are giving something – your time, your attention, a gift, whatever – give it freely without condition. To give something in order to get something back is… just a trap. The same is true of affection. When he told you he loves you like a sister, that was freely given and has worth. To force the words from him at your insistence is meaningless. That he didn’t say anything means he is suspect of the whole exchange and unsure of your agenda. That you thought you were sweet doesn’t mean anything. Your sweetness came with strings and he wasn’t having it.

    Now you let it go. Give him space and drop it. Let him contact you. Do not reach out. If he asks you about it say you needed some there thereing given all the bad news in the world and went about it wrong. Otherwise, ignore it and move on.

    #726274 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Perhaps the ‘I Love you” bit was a little much for your platonic and (I’m assuming) opposite sex friend. Perhaps (whether real or imagined) he perceives that you want more from him than just friendship and he’s not interested.
    Regardless of the reason, I’d do what he asks and back off a little bit– be a little more casual and save the existential crises and “I Love You”s for people who want them.

    #726275 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    ” I just would like your love and support too.”

    That was a step too far. He showed support by telling you he thought you would be fine and then you pushed for him to say what you wanted him to say. You will ruin your friendship by trying to force your desired words from him. It is controlling to try to force someone to say what you want. He obviously didn’t see your statements as sweet. You are more likely to have come off as manipulative. You let friends be who they are. You don’t tell them what you want them to say. You let them say what comes from them if you want an honest relationship.

    He obviously avoided your question and so you pointedly brought it up. Why? He was obviously ignoring it and then you were purposely putting him on the spot. Friends don’t do that.

    What you do in this situation is wait until he contacts you and then you never try to push for him to say things. You let him be him. Let his comments be spontaneous. You pushed him into an uncomfortable place and then pushed some more and then took it as a personal insult or hurt that he was uncomfortable. He can’t help being uncomfortable. It is what it is so unless you want him to be brutally honest in some way that he seems to think you wouldn’t like, quit pushing.

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