Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Need advice about friendship?

This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 8 hours, 11 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 102 total)
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  • #726278 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Your friendship is basically on probation.

    Friends don’t try to manipulate friends.

    #726286 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Hmm, I honestly never thought I was pushing him too far by saying ” I would like your love and support too.” Perhaps, you are right maybe I did and I didn’t realize it.

    I guess I asked him that because it would have meant a lot to me if he just would have told me he loved me back as a friend. Maybe, I am over sensitive but it does hurt me to not hear that. I feel it’s important to tell those you are close to that you love/care for them because life is too short, we are never promised tomorrow.

    You are right when he contacts me again, I won’t push him or bring it up. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. However, it is hard for me to get past this hurt. What can I do to get over the hurt feeling?? Honestly, it’s a struggle for me when I express my love and care to people and they sometimes don’t tell me that same love and care back as I have told them, it just hurts not to hear that back.

    Do you think I should offer an apology of some kind? Not sure, how I would start the apology?

    Thank you Sky for your advice 🙂

    #726287 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Leslie this is my first time ever posting on here. Not sure what you are talking about?

    #726288 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    He asked for no contact so until he contacts you, then respect that line drawn. And he if does refer to this ( he may not), you may apologize briefly.

    This is your own emotional response, not his. So you’re responsible for dealing with this. I think you may be a very anxious person, so perhaps it’s time to start therapy to gain coping & soothing strategies that you use on yourself.
    https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/

    #726289 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    @lauren85, sometimes advice seekers post multiple threads on the same issue after receiving advice they did not like. Usually, the LW posts under a different name and changes the facts in their post. Someone else recently posted about a similar issue with a friend and reacted very negatively to the advice she received. I think Leslie just wanted to clarify whether this thread was new or a second attempt from that LW, as most people might give her different advice in that situation.

    #726290 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    I see Ruby, thanks for explaining, but no this is my first time here posting on this site.

    #726291 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    You get over the hurt feelings by accepting no one owes you anything… And they especially don’t owe it to you on your schedule. I love my best friend. If she told me to tell her that I would ask her if she is in a hostage situation and needs me to call police. It’s an odd thing to ask a friend for. Get over it by acknowledging that.

    #726292 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    When you are expressing your love and caring to people it is as much about yourself as about them. Really it is all about yourself even if that isn’t the intent. It is what you feel you need so that is what you give. Other people have different needs and have different abilities to give. You were pushing for him to give you something that he didn’t feel that he could give. I’m not sure what he felt you were wanting but it was so far away from his comfort zone that he went no contact for a while. That tells you it made him very uncomfortable.

    #726298 Reply
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    Ron

    I firmly believe that men and women can be good platonic friends. Still, I find ‘love you as a friend’ to be a fraught expression. Perhaps he does too. I can sense where you’re coming from, but it’s easy to mistake this as a plea for more than platonic, which he doesn’t want, so it has put him on edge.

    #726302 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think there are two things here. I don’t know your relationship with him, but potentially he thought you were maybe meaning in a romantic way? Or at least if you don’t usually talk that way to each other, he may not have really understood what you meant.

    Second, like someone else said, essentially saying your goodbyes in case you die in a mass shooting is really, really heavy. When you spring something that heavy and emotional on someone out of nowhere without really preparing them or asking if they want to talk about something like that, it can be really jarring. You have to understand that they may not want to imagine themselves getting shot or you dying or whatever, and if they choose not engage in that conversation, I think that you shouldn’t take it personally or push it further.

    #726308 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Agreed, Ron. But even if a female friend asked me to express my friend-love for her, I’d be taken aback. My next words would probably be “Are you OK?,” assuming they were having some kind of major emotional crisis.

    LW, you asked how you get over the hurt? I’m not sure what to tell you, other than perhaps you need to choose your friends differently. If you have a really strong need to be reassured and told that you’re loved on a regular basis, then I think you should gravitate towards people who are more demonstrative.

    You can’t tell people how to express their emotions, or dictate what emotions you want them to have. All you can do is choose to spend your time with people who naturally express themselves in a way that you’re comfortable with.

    #726310 Reply
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    Kate

    Look, what you did was manipulative, to the outside observer. If a friend of mine made a mass shooting about herself and expressed love for me, I’d feel manipulated into saying it back, and I wouldn’t want to say it under those circumstances. Sounds like he felt the same. Trying to see it from his point of view might help.

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