Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 13 hours, 40 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 102 total)
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  • #726320 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Thanks everyone for your advice and perspectives, it means a lot! Some of these I didn’t even think to think of in all honesty.

    For instance, Kate, when you said, “If a friend of mine made a mass shooting about herself and expressed love for me, I’d feel manipulated into saying it back, and I wouldn’t want to say it under those circumstances.” I never thought of it as being manipulative. Perhaps my friend thought of it that way I am not really sure. Or he felt that was really heavy like Dino said. I don’t know what he is feeling until he talks to me again. Hopefully, I will hear his side of the issue when he’s ready to talk.

    No, I don’t think he would think of me saying “I love you” to him meant in a romantic way. He knows I am in a relationship with someone, and I’ve made it quite clear that I love him as if he was a blood brother to me. So I don’t think that’s the case here. Thanks, Ron, for understanding where I am coming from.

    True Firestarter, you made a very good point. Thank you.

    I agree with you Essie, I know I can’t tell people how to express their emotions or dictate what emotions I want them to have. In my mind when I tell a person that I am close to that I “love them” I think it’s normal to expect a “love you too” response back. That’s usually how it goes and since that didn’t happen, it did hurt my feelings not to hear that back. You’re right I do like to hear that at times from the people I am close to. I think it’s important to hear as well as show someone that you love and care for them. I am the type that believes actions speak louder than words, but I do like to hear those words as well from time to time. I never met someone who doesn’t like to hear kind gestures once in a while. Perhaps my friend isn’t that expressive like me and I understand that I can’t expect that all the time, but I know he’s capable of it cause I have heard and seen him do it before, so I don’t understand why this time would be different?

    I wish more people would understand that life is too short so it’s important to tell those you love, that you do cause tomorrow is never promised and I feel like a lot of people don’t understand that concept. That was my reason to send that kind of text to him and to my other close family and friends as well. My close family and other friends responded with “I love you too”, which is all that I was looking for from this friend that I am speaking of here. Nobody else took it the way this friend did.

    #726322 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    When he talks to me again, and if he doesn’t bring it up…

    I will be honest and say I feel it’s important to let him know that it hurt me or should I not? I don’t want to “sweep” my hurt feelings under the rug and pretend I wasn’t hurt.

    He may know already that I am hurt though because I posted a status on my social media page saying it hurts when you tell others you love and care about them and they don’t respond back. He did comment on there saying and I quote verbatim, “People are not always gonna treat you the way you treat them. That goes for all of us. Nobody gets treated the way they want to 24/7. Ya can’t sugar coat everything. Ppl express themselves in different ways. Can’t expect ppl to show expression the same way you do. Just because someone doesn’t say something back, doesn’t mean they don’t share that mutual love and respect. Nobody thinks and feels the exact same way as another person. Gotta stop expecting people to…”

    #726325 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    If you want this guy to write you off definitely bring it up again. You have your answer, straight from the horses mouth. People are not your puppets. Let it go and seriously, speak to a therapist.

    #726327 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Oh God. That is some passive aggressive & manipulative shit right there- posting on Facebook!? Your friend has a lot more patience then me. You’re really testing him & you’re lucky you got that measured response. I’d have told you where to shove it, blocked all channels of communication and never talked to you again. I bet he’s close to that now.( If you’re like this with platonic friends, then I’m concerned with your behavior to those who are closer.) Back away as he isn’t wrong. & you are wrong by a big margin and aren’t respecting him or his request. Yep. Therapy! STAT.

    #726334 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Wow, if my friend posted a passive aggressive remark aimed at me on social media, I’d seriously rethink that friendship. And that’s what you did, Lauren85. You tried to air your grievances on FB.

    I get that you’re hurt. I really do. However, you are only considering your feelings in this matter. You’re not even trying to consider his, especially with that post.

    People truly don’t owe you everything you want when you want. Sure, maybe he said it before, but that doesn’t mean he has to do it again. He obviously didn’t care for that conversation, tried to change the subject, then you kept at it.

    All you should do is apologize and leave it at that. Say you’re sorry for overreacting. That’s it. Nothing more. Because I do think you’re in the wrong here.

    #726343 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    That was just awful interpersonal behavior all around. You can be better than that.

    #726346 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    ….and you got a reaction that essentially says he does care about you. So throwing a vague self pitying comment out on facebook gave you the win.

    I hope this is a one-off, not typical thing because if this kind of stuff happens regularly in your life… it sounds exhausting.

    #726348 Reply
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    TheRascal
    Member

    ” In my mind when I tell a person that I am close to that I “love them” I think it’s normal to expect a “love you too” response back.”

    Adjust your expectations.

    This is a YOU problem. Ask yourself: Why is it so important to you that others validate how you want them to feel about you? Your self worth and sense of emotional health should not be wrapped up in what others think of you. You sound like you could benefit from some counseling.

    As others have pointed out, if any of my friends made a mass shooting about themselves and begged me to tell them that I loved them, I would seriously re-evaluate my friendship.

    How old are you?

    #726349 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Oh, sweet LORD..you actually posted that on Facebook? You’ve lost this guy. That was probably his farewell message.

    Please, please, please, don’t ever do that again, or you’re going to lose more friends than just this guy. That kind of post is like the #1 reason people give for de-friending people on social media. It’s called “vaguebooking.” Someone posts some purposely vague, self-pitying thing..well, exactly like you did, and there’s an avalanche of sympathetic posts. “Oh, you poor thing, you’re so sweet, how could anyone do that to you?” Or, “Is this the thing you were talking about with that guy, well, you’re better off without people like that in your life, honey.” Etcetera. Meanwhile, the person you aimed that passive-aggressive slap at knows exactly what you’re talking about, feels manipulated, and is furious. Other friends, coworkers, family who see the post just cringe in embarrassment for you.

    In fact, you should probably delete the post.

    #726362 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    The fact that he went no contact with you for a while shows that this isn’t the first time you’ve tried to manipulate him. It may be the last time because he is reaching the breaking point.

    That passive/aggressive post on social media may have been the last straw. Why would anyone want a friend who tries to force I love you out of them. Some of those friends who replied with I love you are probably rolling their eyes about your neediness and pushiness and talking about you negatively even though they did text back the required I love you. Sooner or later you will push away every friend you have if you continue to act like this.

    I have to wonder if you don’t want a romantic relationship with this guy. Why else try to chase him down to force an I love you out of him. Why else post that passive/aggressive post on social media. Why else want him to contemplate life without you and come to the sudden realization that he loves you so much that he can’t stand the thought of life without you. Why put so much energy into chasing him. Why was his I love you so important that you focused on it to the exclusion of all of the others that you did get. Why else be so angry when your plan didn’t work. I wouldn’t be surprised if you would like to replace your boyfriend with this friend. The messages to the other friends were just a cover for trying to make this guy realize how he couldn’t live his life without you.

    #726398 Reply
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    Sarah

    I hope your friend makes it out alive because your last post and as far as you are taking this is very creepy, (misery, silence if the lambs), maybe this is a Halloween scary story? It’s not normal to express your heartfelt love to your friends as friends with the exception of of being tequila drunk. Then the lengths you are going to get him to profess his platonic love back, is insane and so so far beyond reasonable. I hope he professes his love soon before you make your next move.

    #726400 Reply
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    Bittergaymark

    Yikes. Yeah, you went way, way, way TOO FAR with that Facebook post. .
    Ron nailed this earlier — the declaration of love and the way you are now so thoroughly hung up on this indicates to me (and I suspect to your friend!) that you are after him in a decidedly less than platonic way then you are perhaps even consciously aware of. Now, I am sure you will protest this claim of mine — but really, you are ODDLY refusing to let this go…

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