Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Need advice about friendship?

This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 8 hours, 31 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 61 through 72 (of 102 total)
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  • #726504 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    I’ve never said I love you to a friend and never had a friend say it to me. I would find it very odd.

    The things we hear from friends are that we are lots of fun or that they knew we would show up when needed. People tend to comment on actions that they value rather than making I love you statements.

    I think she needs to save the I love you statements for emotionally intimate relationships like boyfriend and immediate family.

    #726508 Reply
    avatar
    anonymousse
    Member

    You need to see a therapist. Your personal issues with your childhood and lack of parental affection shouldn’t be worked out on your friends. That’s what a pro is for.

    Your text was manipulative,and you were seeking attention and affection with them. Then you really went way over the top with the FB BS. I am honestly shocked to find out you are 32. This behavior is normal for a preteen/teenager which is why your friend immediately became tired of your attempts and has asked for space and silence. He’s seen this before, probably during high school.

    It’s one thing to reach out to family and loved ones during a scary news day, and totally another thing to reach out with the expectation of specific behavior from someone as indicative of whether they care for you or not.

    #726512 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Your text was highly manipulative because it was far more about getting statements back than about giving them. If it was mostly about giving them you wouldn’t care whether someone repeated them back to you. You gave them because you wanted to receive them not because you just wanted to tell those close to you that you love them.

    #726665 Reply
    avatar
    Lauren85
    Member

    @skyblossom Yes, my friends have told me they loved me before without me having to ask them.

    @essie Sorry to hear about your relative. That is sad in all honesty that she ended up alone and losing people close to her. I certainly don’t want that to happen to me. I seriously didn’t realize that I was doing this to my friends and trust me it does kill me inside to be aware that I am. I don’t want to push people away. I don’t want to exhaust my family or friends with my emotional needs.

    True, other people have it worse than my Mom being emotionally distant or how ever one wants to label that.

    I do hear you guys and I’m not mad at anyone here. I appreciate you all for all of your feedback and advice. It really helps me see things that obviously I am not seeing. Trust me it’s highly appreciated. Sometimes we are unaware of how we are until outsiders can point it out to us. That’s why I came to this advice board, to get other people’s perspectives because it helps me look at it in another light or helps me realize there is something I need to work on. Clearly, I do need counseling. I actually contacted my local community health center to ask if they offer Behavioral Health Services and they do, so I did ask to set up an appointment. I just have to wait to hear back from a doctor to set one up since I will be a new patient. I never went to counseling before, but maybe it will seriously help me deal with the emotional baggage that I carry. Have any of you been to counseling? Just curious to how it would be.

    #726684 Reply
    avatar
    SherBear

    Pretty much all of us who strongly suggest therapy have been in it ourselves – I went for a few years and it’s benefited me for life. Not all therapists are the same though so if you’re not feeling the person is helpful then try another.

    #726701 Reply
    avatar
    Lauren85
    Member

    Thank you SherBear 🙂 I will certainly try another counselor if I am not feeling the person I am given, that is good to know I can change. I’m pleased to hear that therapy has benefited you for life 🙂 !

    I am so grateful that you all shed light on a behavior I wasn’t aware I was conducting and how it’s unhealthy for me as well as my close family and friends I can’t thank you all enough! You guys were right I was reading that this seeking reassurance often is an anxiety issue.

    I am looking forward to seeing someone about this tick in my head and learning techniques to deal with it. I feel it will definitely benefit me as well.

    On a side note I was forming an apology to my friend for when he contacts me. I just would like your opinion on how it sounds, please. I thought of two, not sure if I should go with the longer version or just keep it short and simple here?

    1.) I’m sorry for my behavior and for the way I treated you. I was anxious, and I overreacted, which was inappropriate. I realize that expecting people to be like me isn’t nor ever will be realistic. Thank you for pointing that out to me. I will work on how I process my emotions. I plan on getting some counseling that I feel that would really benefit me in dealing with this anxiety I seem to have. You’re a good person and I don’t want to lose you because of my false expectations. How can I make up for my behavior?

    or

    2.) I’m sorry I behaved the way I did. I know I behaved inappropriately. Will you forgive me?

    #726705 Reply
    avatar
    Kate

    No. Both of those apologies make it all about you, and they ask something from him, which you don’t have a right to do at this point. At the most, just say you’re sorry about taking your anxiety out on him and putting him in a tough spot, you realize how shitty that was FOR HIM, and that you’re getting some help.

    #726747 Reply
    avatar
    Lauren85
    Member

    Thanks Kate.

    Would this be better? I’m sorry for my behavior and for the way I treated you. I was anxious, and I overreacted, which was inappropriate. I realize how tough that must have been for you to be put on the spot like that. I’m going to get some help.

    Not sure if I should deliver this now since it’s been 6 days since we talked now or just wait for him to contact me? He told me not to contact him for a few days, he never told me if he would contact me though. So not sure if I should make the first move here.

    #726748 Reply
    avatar
    Lauren85
    Member

    It’s a tough call cause if I do contact him he could get pissed off and want more time away. Or I continue to wait and apologize when he contacts me.

    #726749 Reply
    avatar
    Heatherly
    Member

    Wait.

    #726752 Reply
    avatar
    Kate
    Keymaster

    If he said not to contact him for a few days, I’d wait at least a week. But I don’t know, I feel like it’s still attention-seeking, it comes from a place of wanting him to reassure you and make you feel better, rather than out of genuine concern for his feelings. Maybe just say a simple “I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately, I don’t mean to take my issues out on you, you don’t deserve it.” And leave it at that. If you don’t hear back, reach out in a few weeks with a Hey, how you doing?

    #726785 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I sort of think saying something simple (and without wanting a response) now is OK and then you leave it. I’d just go with Kate’s most recent suggestion of what to say, and then maybe add that you know he needs some time, so you’ll leave the ball in his court. But truly leave the ball in his court.

    Waiting until he contacts you to apologize would be risky because potentially without an apology, he may not contact you ever.

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