Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 8 hours, 2 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 73 through 84 (of 102 total)
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  • #726805 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Thanks all 🙂

    He actually messaged me on Facebook last night, but it wasn’t any words just an emoji waving Hi and I just used the same emoji back. We haven’t talked yet. That would seem like a good sign. Like you all have said if he carries on with me like nothing happened and just conducts a normal conversation, then I will do the same and not bring anything up I’ll just let it flow.

    On another note, I think a part of the problem here too is understanding each other’s “love language.” Someone here mentioned the book The 5 Languages of Love. I did read parts of it. I discovered I am both “Acts of Service” and “Words of Affirmation.” Knowing my friend he is more an “Acts of Service” person. What I’m wondering is if there’s a medium we can reach? So both of us would be getting what we need from the friendship. Since it seems he is more of a shower and I’m both- I like to show and hear words at times, is there a way to balance that out. I could be more accepting of him being the type to show his love/care rather than using words (learning to not expect words form him all of the time) and he could try to be expressive in words once in great while. I just wonder if that might work or should I just accept we are what we are–different in how we give/receive love?

    Don’t worry I do plan to get counseling soon I really do feel I can benefit from it.

    #726806 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Okay, I think love languages are interesting, but he’s your *platonic friend,* so I would say focus on your own romantic relationship with that stuff (you mentioned you have a partner??), and with this friend all you have to keep in mind is that he may not be as demonstrative with verbal professions of affection as you are, and that’s okay.

    #726815 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Re: Therapy. I’m glad you’re going. I honestly believe nearly everyone would benefit, even if he or she seemingly has their shit together. If you’re set up with someone and you’re not feeling it, it is ok to seek another therapist. I’d give it at least a few sessions to see. I went once a long, long time ago, and did like the person. I felt judged. So never went back. Several years later, I was having a rough time with a relationship, found a different therapist, and we clicked. Two years later, I moved cities, and found a therapist I loved here. I’ve been seeing her ever since. It took us a few sessions to find our groove though. So, be patient, but if you absolutely can’t stand the person, find someone else immediately.

    What kate said about the love languages. Since this is a platonic friend, I think you’ll push him away further if you go into this with him. You just need to accept that people have different ways of showing affection, and it’s not a reflection on how they feel about you. A therapist will help you see that, get to the bottom of why you need constant affirmation, and help you with your self esteem, which is what is needed.

    #726879 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Thanks @kate you’ve made a great point and I will keep that in mind that he is that way 🙂

    My sister told me the other day (she is friends with him as well) that he said I could talk to him just without the emotional stuff. As I mentioned we just waved “Hi” at each other in a Facebook message no words were exchanged. Should I make the first move here then?? I could start off with, “Hey, I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately, I don’t mean to take my issues out on you, you don’t deserve it.” And see what happens. Not sure if he wants me to make the first move or not. I’m guessing his “Hi” emoji was maybe his signal that he doesn’t mind talking now, who knows.

    @ktfran Thanks, I am looking forward to going to therapy 🙂 I agree I think everyone could benefit from it as well, even if they do have most of their shit together, Lol. Sorry, you felt judged by your first therapist I am sure that was an unpleasant feeling but glad your current therapist seems to be working out well for you after some time getting your groove placed :)! I will definitely keep your advice in mind when it comes to finding the right therapist. True, I do have to learn to accept that others show their love/care differently than I do. When you said, “A therapist will help you see that, get to the bottom of why you need constant affirmation, and help you with your self-esteem, which is what is needed.” I surely hope so, I can’t wait to get help with this gap that I am seemingly missing. Hopefully, whomever my therapist will be won’t tell me to “go look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you and why.” I tried that a few times from a friend who recommended it and it just felt very awkward to do that, and honestly thought it was silly, Lol. I rather learn techniques other than something of that sort.

    #726880 Reply
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    SherBear

    At this point the apology seems to be about your need to express yourself rather than him. He has Austism and specifically said he wants to talk to you without the emotional stuff – so why give him an emotional apology? I’m not sure you’re processing what being on the spectrum means for him and what he needs from a friend. Like the very basics of autism is with communication and interactions – so please don’t over communicate and keep the friendship level to what he is comfortable with. Now if it were another friend I’d agree w a quick apology, but I think in this case it would make him feel pressured to respond and he would shut down again.

    #726882 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Good point SherBear, yeah it’s hard for me to know exactly what to do and say given his Autism I try my best, sometimes it works fine ( interactions/communication I have with him) and sometimes it doesn’t with him. He is unpredictable when it comes to how he would react to certain things.

    What would you recommend I say then and should I make the first move here?

    #726886 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    I have been thinking about this for a while. Honestly, it’s hard to say sorry without taking responsibility for my actions; otherwise, it seems kind of like a half-assed apology and knowing him he probably wouldn’t take it seriously if it’s half-assed sounding.

    What about just saying, “Hey, Sorry for my behavior. I plan to get some counseling soon to better handle my emotions for the future.” This doesn’t sound like an emotional thing where it would make him feel uncomfortable again. It’s me owning up to my behavior and stating what action I plan to take for my behavior.

    Plus, I think just saying, “Hey, how are you?” After something like this happened, just seems a bit rude to me. If the shoe was on the other foot I would want some type of an apology, but that’s me. He may or may not want an apology I truly don’t know. When he has done something wrong he has apologized to me in the past and has even said sorry for little things examples being; he didn’t reply right away or he fell asleep while we were talking.

    #726888 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Drop it! JUST FUCKING DROP IT. Talk about the fucking weather, tv shows, the sunset, anything. Talk about anything — ANYTHING ELSE!! But please for FUCK’S SAKE shut the hell up about how much you need to babble on endlessly about your dreary feelings!!

    #726894 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    If you don’t want to scare your friend away forever, you might want to reconsider your definition of rude. When people say sorry for missing a text, I find it’s usually not intended as a formal acknowledgment of guilt. Assuming your friend wants a formal apology in this situation based normal responses for “the little things” with a person ignores every piece of advice you’ve received and acknowledged. Stop trying to justify your obsession with needing this friend to verbally affirm his love for you and leave your poor friend alone before he makes his request that you not contact him permanent by blocking your phone number.

    Let me lay it out for you. Do not make the first move. Do not make any moves until he contacts you. Never speak of this or pull a similar stunt with your friend again.

    #726895 Reply
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    Kate

    I think he’s probably just signaling that things can resume as normal between you. Just be glad about that, and show him you’re sorry by NOT acting like that again.

    #726896 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Good idea to show him, Kate, thank you. I will just carry on a normal conversation then.

    Thanks to everyone for their feedback, it’s much appreciated.

    #726903 Reply
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    ktfran
    Participant

    Agree with Kate and BGM and others. No apology is needed at this point. He reached out to you, likely to let you know you can resume your friendship. So, carry on like nothing happened.

    No, a therapist won’t make you look in a mirror and ask you to tell yourself you like you. A good therapist will ask you open ended questions about what’s bothering you and help you get to the root of your problem.

    For instance, I started freaking out a bit before my recent marriage. I had no idea why because I love the guy. I had called off a wedding before, and this was nothing like that. So, I went to my therapist to figure out why I was scared. We talked about it and I realized that I felt like I was losing independence, but that wasn’t the case at all. There was other stuff to. It was helpful to talk to a professional.

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