Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Need advice about friendship?

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This topic contains 101 replies, has 14 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lauren85 9 hours, 31 minutes ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 85 through 96 (of 102 total)
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  • #726961 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    I sent him a message on Facebook earlier today just saying, “Hello, how are you?” He has seen it but hasn’t replied at all. I wonder if he is testing the waters with me by making me wait a while to see if I would question him about why he didn’t reply, maybe teach me a lesson about not expecting people to reply right away or see how I would react. NOPE, not going to push it further or bother him at all. Just going to wait until he replies and carry on without questioning him about shit. It’s not an emergency or life or death situation so there is no need to bother being upset. It’s just funny to me that he signaled he seems to want to resume the friendship, but won’t answer now.

    @ktfran Thanks, good to hear that my therapist won’t ask me to do the mirror bit. Glad the therapist will try to get to the root of the problem, that will be wonderful. Understandable to feel that way in your situation and happy to hear that by just talking to your therapist you felt relieved in what you freaked out about. My first counseling session will be January 9th, I set it up today and looking forward to it 🙂

    #726968 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    Good god get a grip girl. You sent him a Facebook message earlier today and he hasn’t replied yet? It is completely normal for people to not respond immediately to texts/emails/chats. He’s making you wait to teach you a lesson? Maybe he’s just living his life in the real world and not attached to his phone. It’s not funny that he mentioned to your sister that he would be open to resuming contact with you and then did not immediately respond to a random Facebook message from you.

    Get help.

    #726969 Reply
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    WRTS! You are spending way too much mental energy on this whole thing. Just… take it down a notch.

    Honestly, if I thought someone was not answering me to teach me a lesson then I wouldn’t want to be their friend anymore. Who would do that?! It’s much more likely he does want pretty much all of us do, which is read a message and then get distracted and forget to respond. Hence the proliferation of the “sorry just saw this” meme.

    #726981 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    @ruby Thursday I am going to be getting the help I stated that at the end of my last post 🙂

    I know it’s normal for people to not respond right away, I myself don’t always reply to people right away either. With him, though he has always responded right away when we have talked, so just thought it was odd is all.

    @spaceysteph Yeah, true he could have been distracted by something else, although I have seen he was online at the same time I was and still never replied. I guess time will only tell.

    #726986 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    He always responded right away before you texted him that, due to all the recent mass shootings, you wanted him to know that you love him. He did not respond in the way you hoped, so you posted a passive-aggressive Facebook message. He asked for space. You e spent days agonize over this. Even if he’s open to being your friend, it isn’t rocket science to conclude that he didn’t respond right away because he didn’t want to talk to you at that time.

    #726989 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You need to quit using social media as a command to reply. You need to let him live his life with him in the center of it instead of you in the center of it. Being expected to reply immediately is exhausting. Everyone has their own life happening and doesn’t always have time to reply immediately. The thing with social media is that you can’t see what he is doing when you send your message and instead of assuming he can’t reply in that moment you assume it is all about you and teaching you a lesson. If I had a friend like you I would quit ever responding in the moment because I would be tired of the demand for an instant reply. Your friend is learning to establish healthy boundaries and he has probably been needing them for a long time.

    #726994 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I’m wondering if how I grew up made disconnecting from phones and social media so much easier than younger generations. I’m not saying this as a blanket statement for everyone in the OPs age bracket – the OP has some issues with self-esteem and what I’ll phrase as “emotional management”. But when I was the OPs age there was no caller ID let alone cell phones. You called someone. If they picked up, you talked. If they didn’t pick up maybe, just maybe they had an answering machine. Almost no one did. Since the phone might be across the house from where they were (most people had one phone per floor), you would let it ring maybe 15 – 20 times and then you hung up. On the reverse side, if you heard the phone ring, you picked it up. Maybe it would be your Aunt Ida who wanted to talk about her sciatica, maybe it was your best friend, maybe it was a business, you wouldn’t know until you picked up.

    So if you called your friend and no one was home, no one picked up and you didn’t talk to your friend. And if you called during dinner, it might be that EVERYONE was home but it was dinner time and no one was allowed to pick up the phone, you didn’t know that so it was like they weren’t home and then the next day you said “hey, I tried to call you but I guess you weren’t home” and that was it. You never assumed that they didn’t want to talk to you because they didn’t know it was you.

    I find it easy to disconnect, if I send a text to someone and they don’t respond I figure they’re in a meeting or they left their phone in their purse on vibrate which I do all the time.

    But I can see how anxiety producing this is for others with all of this constant communication and multiple channels, it’s overwhelming and now the speed of the response is a factor too. Knowing that someone read your texts but hasn’t replied. Knowing that someone is in your area but didn’t call you to meet up. Knowing that someone is checking FB and not replying or finding that you’re blocked. Oy vey. So much technical drama.

    #727013 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    @LisforLeslie I’m a little younger than LW (going off of ’85 as her birth year) but same general age range. This isn’t normal! The only time I feel anxiety over texting is when I feel in my gut I’m being ghosted by a guy I’ve been on multiple dates with. So I suppose I’m not completely immune, but I don’t think it’s normal to put this much thought the lack of texts from a friend and wonder if they’re trying to teach you a lesson.

    @lauren85 You need to lay off the social media and stop reading into things! Like most people, he probably looked at the message because it popped up on the screen, and then went back to whatever he was doing. Just because he didn’t respond right away, doesn’t mean he’s trying to teach you a lesson or trying to “signal” anything to you. You need to stop. Stop contacting him. Stop reading between the lines of his behavior. Just stop. Also, are you sure you don’t have romantic feelings for this guy? That’s the only way I can rationalize what you’re doing and the way you’re over-thinking all of this.

    #727016 Reply
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    Bittergaymark

    Seriously. This LW clearly CANNOT handle social media as she creates ENTIRE dramas in her head out of absolutely NOTHING. Keep it up, LW, and you will soon have ZERO friends.

    #727018 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @Copa – you’re right. My younger sister is only a few years older than the OP and she’s totally able to disconnect.

    #727020 Reply
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    Ruby Thursday

    I was born in 1985. Most of us did not have home computers or cell phones until high school. My parents purchase me a cell phone when I was 14 after my carpool left me behind a few times, but few of us ever used text messaging until college. Even being the first generation on Facebook, it wasn’t until very recently that we could view whether our messages were read or the time they were read.

    This turned into a much longer message than I intended, so the moral of the story is that her social media obsession is not generally typical of people in their early 30s. Just look at how long she keeps responding to this thread. LW needs to log off and learn how to disconnect.

    #727021 Reply
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    Lauren85
    Member

    Let me paint you a picture of how our communication style is….

    No romantic feelings for my friend whatsoever. I have stated that we have a brother/sister dynamic. We are best friends. Before this incident happened, we have always been close. He is and always has been like a brother to me, nothing more nothing less.

    He would do 95% of the initiating contact with me; I rarely ever contacted him first. Always texted me or messaged me on Facebook and asked me to hang out at least once a week. We communicate that way because neither of us is really phone people. I personally hate talking on the phone I find it boring so I barely ever call anyone, even my own family and anyone who knows me personally knows I hate the phone as well. I keep in touch with folks through text messages, Facebook or meet them in person. I would rather talk face-to-face about issues with this friend in all honesty, and I have suggested that we do that instead of communicating via text/facebook because it can lead to misunderstandings since there are no voice tones, facial expressions, body language, etc, but he doesn’t want to because he’s afraid of screaming at me & saying things he may regret.

    When you are used to that kind of contact with someone and an incident like this happens, it’s hard not to worry or wonder what’s going on. I wish I knew what was going on inside his mind or how he is feeling, but he isn’t communicating that to me right now. I feel left in the dark here so to speak. Plus, all I am doing is guessing at what he may be thinking or feeling at this point.

    Before, if he was busy or couldn’t talk for whatever reason he would ALWAYS let me know that he would talk to me later. Now, that he has only “seen” the message and never has left me on “seen” without some type of reply is why my mind is currently whirling with the “is he testing me” thoughts. Sure, it may seem irrational/abnormal to you all as outsiders for me to have these type of thoughts in regards to his lack of reply (which I can understand because none of you know us personally or see how our friendship is in the real world) but when you know someone and their typical behavior then it would make sense to understand why I am thinking the way I am. It’s uncharacteristic of him to be like that. He’s always been the type to reply to a text or Facebook message and usually within a reasonable amount of time. I never had to wait a super long time to hear back from him I knew he would always respond in a good length of time.

    If that is how he typically was (not replying right away) then this wouldn’t be odd to me because that would be his usual behavior. I notice when someone’s behavior is different or seems out of the ordinary for them. When we are close to people we usually know their normal behavior patterns.

    I never ever had a friend like him who talked to me practically every day. I admit in the beginning it was annoying to me because I never had contact with any other friends on daily bases, but after a while, I grew accustomed to it and it was just how we were after a while; a norm for us. With all my other friends we keep in touch here and there (every couple of weeks or with others every few months) and that wasn’t a problem for me because I am actually the same way. I don’t need daily contact with my friends!! My other friends and I can go weeks without talking to each other and that is fine on both their end and mine because that is how it’s always been for me and these other friends of mine.

    Everyone has different preferred communication styles, nothing unusual about that. Some like the phone only, some like to be on social media, some like being in person, some just like texting only, some like emails or handwriting letters, etc, and some like me like a few different communication styles. It’s whatever is comfortable to each individual.

    I DO enjoy disconnecting at times, I am not unable to do that. Just a couple weeks ago I noticed a lot of negativity on social media and interactions with people in person (people seemed to be in bad moods). All that overwhelmed me and so I decided to stay off of Facebook and didn’t talk to anyone for three days and if anyone did contact me I told them I need some ME time and we would talk another day. I absolutely love my ME/alone time. I enjoy doing things on my own (going for my walks, working out, enjoying nature, listening to music, etc) I love being in my own company it is an absolute must at times for me. Solitude is very important to me.

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