This topic contains 25 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Leslie Joan 4 months ago.
August 5, 2017 at 9:26 am #696288
I agree. Let mom plan it and have some fun. If you aren’t doing the planning it’ll be minimal stress. Sometimes we do things like this for our family. To make them happy. What Wendy said about a courthouse then nice dinner party sounds low key and fun. At the end of the day it’ll likely be a nice chance to have fun with family, some good food and yum cake!August 5, 2017 at 10:04 am #696291
Trust me, a lot of straight people give in on this kind of thing to accommodate their parents…August 5, 2017 at 1:37 pm #696304
Oh and next time you’re in San Clemente, if you see that guy who broke my heart, throw something at him. Thanks.August 6, 2017 at 7:39 pm #696412
Yeah, somehow I think more than a few young straight couples have been pressured by their families to marry over the years. Honestly? As I gay man, I don’t see what being gay has to do with this — really? How does you being gay raise the stakes? Would they not pressure you equally if you were partnered with a man?August 6, 2017 at 11:10 pm #696420
Let me tell a little story, if I may: one of my BEST friends from law school got married and divorced while in law school. Her ex was a douche, and she was happier after that, and she vowed she simply refused to do a wedding ceremony again. And she fell in love with a really introverted awesome other mutual friend who graduated with her, and they were both convinced that they were going to stay life partners but not make it official because it’s expensive and so much work and all the other common complaints that you hear about weddings (some of which you’ve made yourself, LW). And then they started going to weddings: mine, other friends, family, etc. And they weren’t about the DJ or flowers or crap like that, but they started realizing that they really loved being a part of the love in the room, seeing everyone so excited and happy for other people. And so they warmed up to it, but they told their folks it couldn’t be a big fancy thing.
Their wedding is still the most memorable and fun one I’ve ever gone to. They rented out the top floor of the bar they went to on their first date for a couple of hours, and a bunch of us brought folding chairs and stuff over. Another friend got ordained to perform the wedding, and instead of the traditional vows they drafted a “Marriage Contract” that they each signed by notarizing it with their notary presses (those embossing ones, I mean, which we all loved because they’re lawyers). They sprung for bar appetizers and champagne for everyone so we could toast them, and one of our friends who couldn’t make it sent them a singing gorilla, which was both the most awkward and hilarious incident to be trapped next to them for. The whole formal “ceremony” took 10 minutes with a portable speaker, and the rest of the time we all just hung out and drank and enjoyed the company. Instead of registering, they said “Buy us shots if you really want”, which we did. My wife and I ended up spending less overall (we still gave them a cash gift) than we do at most weddings, and they still gave all of us a chance to say “We’re here, we love you, and we’re thrilled to witness this.”
I guess what I’m saying is that there’s A LOT of room between eloping and Pachbel’s Canon in D playing as you both walk down the aisle in dresses you only wear once in your life. It doesn’t have to be about cost or even about a constant spotlight (though, I mean, it’s going to be on you for a LITTLE BIT, obviously.) It doesn’t have to be fancy or elegant. It can be fun. I’m not going to take the BGM route of “You’re lucky because you’re accepted and gay”, but I do think you’re lucky because it sounds like your families want to just throw a party to celebrate you guys because they love you and they’re not particularly picky about the when, where, and how of it all as long as they get to party with you. So here’s my advice: introversion aside, think about “If I HAVE to have this event, what would I want it to be like?” and pitch that to your wife and the families. Whether it’s champagne fountains or a cooler of beer, the party is really about the people, and as long as you’ve got people there who are happy you’re happy there’s no wrong way to do it, is there?August 7, 2017 at 10:00 am #696460
Such a perfect answer and story @Guy FridayAugust 9, 2017 at 4:57 pm #696762
Ok so here’s our compromise. My partner randomly said “eh, I suppose I could handle a party on our 10th anniversary.” So we agreed that in two years we’ll get legally married and then have my mom throw us a proper Oregon party (and by that I mean tons of weed and some river access). And who knows, in 2 years maybe no one will care anymore and we can do this as silently as we did the domestic partnership.
And yeah, ya’ll are right, straight folk also have pressure… probably more pressure in certain ways, absolutely. My brother and I both used to be very against marriage, but he had a full on regular wedding because his wife wanted one. It wasn’t great. My dad embarrassed both of us and made my stepmom so mad she got wasted and went to bed by 8:30pm, and the bride’s father tried to start a fist fight with our stepdad and eventually covered two hotel rooms with his uncontrollable drunken vomiting. Bride’s parents kept making comments about how at least this marriage has love in it, etc. Both my brother and my sister-in-law walked away embarrassed and angry with their parents’ behavior.
So I guess the other way to look at it is that I’ve been doing things my own way for so long that maybe family is less likely to expect me to suddenly tow tradition. Plus, a river/weed party will automatically keep the majority of family away. Win win.
Thanks guys!August 9, 2017 at 5:25 pm #696767
“My dad embarrassed both of us and made my stepmom so mad she got wasted and went to bed by 8:30pm, and the bride’s father tried to start a fist fight with our stepdad and eventually covered two hotel rooms with his uncontrollable drunken vomiting”
Now I’m thinking that you DEFINITELY should have a wedding.August 9, 2017 at 5:33 pm #696772
Hahaha make sure to send me your address so I can get you an invitation!August 10, 2017 at 12:14 am #696797
Put me down for one of those Oregon parties. We’ll meet at the designated spot in two years, I’ll bring some nibbles.August 10, 2017 at 8:37 am #696815
If you want the legal protections that go along with marriage, then by all means get married. That is separate from having a party. If you don’t want a party, don’t. I think part of the problem is you are not as set on not having a party as you say you are. All that’s really needed here is “blah blah and I have decided to get married, but because I don’t like crowds, planning, and I forgot your third reason, we are not going to have a celebration. We’ve discussed it and are ok with this decision, and we appreciate your offer.”August 10, 2017 at 9:02 am #696817
I’m all for eloping. But alas the boyfriend wants his kids there and if his kids are there my parents have to be there and if my parents are there his parents have to be there and if our parents are there our siblings have to be there and then if our siblings are there our close friends have to be there and if close friends are there aunts and uncles and cousins….
He wants a wedding, I could care less. I just want to be with him. I’ll do it because he wants it and my family wants it.