Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Overstepping?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Overstepping?

This topic contains 19 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar iliketea 5 days ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 20 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #696826 Reply
    avatar
    annoyed

    Recently had a breakup because now the ex is with someone else who he’s known for a while. My daughter loves her. She is only 3. What bothers me is that they buy her stuff and the ex brings it home to me! Literally saying his new girlfriend bought this for our daughter. That’s nice and all but why does he have to bring it home to me? It’s annoying. It literally feels like he is rubbing his new relationship in my face. Daughter just started school so he got her a water bottle and his new gf wrote my daughters name and decorated it. I really would rather not see anything about his new girl. It’s only been a month and a half since we broke up so it is still very fresh and hurtful. Is she overstepping? Or am I overreacting? It doesn’t seem to bother my ex or my daughter. Should he be more sensitive to my feelings? Should I tell him it bothers me?

    #696835 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    No, not over-reacting. You need to go no contact and tell him he is not allowed to come to your home.

    #696836 Reply
    Crochet.Ninja
    Crochet.Ninja
    Participant

    Ron, she can’t really go no contact if she has a child with him.

    i think they’re both overstepping. honestly only a month and a bit and he’s introduced your daughter to her?

    but, on the other side, you need to be mature about it for your daughter. you can say thank you for whatever she’s given, and say ‘could you keep it there? then she has it when she’s over’ etc. or send things back with her when she goes to his place.

    you’re sort of in this for the long haul since you have a kid together. as long as your child is happy and loved, sometimes you will have to overlook little things that piss you off. (i’m not downplaying the overall picture here, to me it’s too soon for him to introduce new people he’s dating to your daughter, but as long as she’s safe, there’s only so much you can do.)

    #696840 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    I agree that it’s inappropriate for him to be incorporating his new girlfriend into his parenting life so soon. But be sure that when you set boundaries, you are setting ones that are related to your daughter, not just the fact that you personally don’t like that he’s with someone else. The bigger issue here is him introducing a woman into his daughter’s life so soon, knowing that she potentially might not be around long-term. The issue of you not liking that he’s with someone so soon is not relevant to this and isn’t something you can really build a case on.

    #696844 Reply
    avatar
    LisforLeslie

    I don’t think you’re overreacting so much as I think you are very sensitive right now and having trouble with the situation.

    You can try to have completely separate lives but that’s difficult to enforce when your child is going from home to home. It’s clear this is a new situation for you and you are still pretty raw from the breakup. That’s ok, but I think you have to fake it until you make it. Don’t make this a big deal with your ex because it could backfire on you and you will have even more grief to deal with.

    Suggest that gifts that they buy stay with them. But if the new chick wants to spend money on your kid, just let her buy your kid stuff. There is no harm to the kid and your child won’t get confused about who is her mom. You are. That isn’t changing. Ever.

    Make sure that whatever child support agreement you have (and if you don’t have one – get one!), isn’t diminished because they buy gifts. Pretty decorated water bottles are not a substitute for child support.

    #696857 Reply
    avatar
    annoyed

    Well this girl already knew my daughter before we broke up so nothing I can do about that. The first night my daughter went to sleep over, they all slept in the same bed. I think THAT is too soon but his take is he asked my daughter if it was ok and she said yes so they did it. I think it’s really insensitive to me but what does he care. He’s happy.

    #696859 Reply

    With the introduction of his daughter to the girlfriend so soon comments….Doesn’t the LW say in the beginning that her ex is with someone new now but that he has known this new girlfriend for a while now? Couldn’t that potentially mean that the daughter has already met her before all of this started?

    #696860 Reply

    they all slept in the same bed. I think THAT is too soon <————— absolutely yes that is WAY too soon! if even appropriate at all..the courts around here where I live would not take kindly to that and would most likely not allow your daughter to spend the night over his house any longer

    #696862 Reply
    avatar
    Ron

    Crochet Ninja —
    You’re correct. When she said ‘my daughter’ I assumed that he was not the daughter’s father.

    #696863 Reply
    avatar
    golfer.gal

    Oh my god. They all slept in the same bed together? And they’ve only been dating about 6 weeks? That is grossly inappropriate and really alarming. Also a 3 year old doesn’t necessarily have the wherewithal to say no to a father who is pushing her to sleep in bed with his new girlfriend. The others have given great advice about your feelings on all this also.

    Do you have custody and child support arranged? If not, you need to get a lawyer asap. Either way I would talk to your lawyer about the cosleeping immediately. A judge would likely weigh that pretty heavily, and frankly if he’s having your daughter sleep in bed with women he’s only known a few weeks I’m not at all sure that it’s safe for her to be staying at his house

    #696865 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    I think you are focusing on the wrong things, here. It’s not your hurt feelings that are the problem, it’s the fact that your ex is an idiot who asks his small child for “permission” to do wildly inappropriate things.

    Co-sleeping with a girlfriend of six weeks is NOT OK. You KNOW that, right? You wouldn’t do such a thing to your daughter with a new man, RIGHT? Protect her. Protect her from your idiot ex, and be extremely careful when you start dating again. Raise the standards of behavior you will accept from a man much, much higher.

    #696866 Reply
    avatar
    TheRascal
    Member

    You need to put a custody agreement into place.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 20 total)
Reply To: Overstepping?
Your information:




Comments on this entry are closed.