July 13, 2017 at 12:42 pm #693588
From a LW:
My parents found out about my crush on my bestfriend. He is 9 years older than me and that would be a problem if I wasn’t 18. I really do like him and I trust him. Yet they can’t seem to look past the fact that he has minor mental illnesses that make him seem emotinally stunted. They even think its nessasary for my theripist to talk to me about this. The thing is that I really want to try dating him because I trust him more than boys my own age. I also feel confident around him. Around boys my own age I feel very insecure. I honestly feel a deep connection to my best friend and my dad has been a pill lately. He even said he never should have let me be friends with him. I hate how my parents seem to have a problem with who I am attracted to and think they know what is best for me without even knowing him as well as I do. What should I do. I want to date him and yet I’m scared that my parents will try to stop me from seeing him. I only obey their rules out of respect and love for them, but now they are messing with my love life. I feel like I am being treated like a child who knows nothing about my own feelings. They even said that he could never give me the type of relationship that they have. My father did nothing to help my mother for years after he got sick. He was fully capable of doing something after a year. My father is also extreamly rude to my mother’s family and he has antagonized me many times. Yet my best friend was extreamly respectful to my parents when he first met them and while we may fight at times we always end up resolving it peacefully and finding comprimises. He also helps me whenever I need it and he does whatever his parents ask him too even if it is someone elses responsibility. Meanwhile Dad won’t even mow the lawn and he left it for mom to do for years until my brother was old enough to take over the chore. I don’t mean to sound whiney abbout that. My parents have s great relationship but I am not the same as them. My best friend has shown every charecterisic that I feel is important to have in a relationship and has been nothing but respectful to me. Hr has even helped me to feel better about myself. I just want them to accept the fact that I have feelings for my best friend and to trust my choices in who I choose. I really need help with this. Can you please give me some advice?
-in love with my bestfriendJuly 13, 2017 at 12:53 pm #693598
Dating a 27 year old with mental illnesses at 18 is a colossally bad idea. That your parents object to your relationship is honestly a no-brainer. How did two you meet? I’m sure none of this is what you want to hear but truly, there is zero chance of this working out well. If boys your age are making you uncomfortable then hold off on dating. Deal with whatever issues you have that are making a wildly inappropriate romantic partner seem appealing and use this time to do something productive for your future.July 13, 2017 at 12:54 pm #693599
You live at home with your parents, correct? So you obey their rules because it’s their house—not because you “love and respect” them.
How did this grown adult become your best friend? How did you meet him? Why did your parents allow you to hang around him? I suppose most of that doesn’t matter, but it’s concerning that your folks weren’t paying enough attention while a man was growing close to their underage daughter.
Talk to your therapist. I don’t know why you haven’t done so already, unless you are afraid your parents’ concerns are valid.
And if you want to be an adult who controls her own love life and dates whoever she chooses—move out.July 13, 2017 at 1:15 pm #693603
Eh, NEWSFLASH! You ARE a child. Only a child would think dating a 27 year old dude with “mild” mental illness is a good idea. Of course you feel more confident with this guy! You feel superior to him, I suspect on a subconscious level. And you know what? You probably ARE. Listen to your parents. They are right on this. You are wrong. Trust me, one day you will look back at this and think YIKES! Whatever was I thinking?!July 13, 2017 at 2:16 pm #693618
This sounds like a terrible idea. First of all why not talk to a therapist? They will likely be honest with you and not have the same biases about what relationship you need and can give you some good advice.
Look I have moderate anxiety and have had depressive episodes. I don’t think mental illness (especially mild) makes someone undateable any more then say Type 1 Diabetes but they do both require lifelong management and support so it is something you really need to think about being prepared for. There are a lot of other red flags in your letter though. Yes the age difference at 18 and 27 is staggering…or at least should be. You should take your parents concerns into consideration. I’m not saying that they have to approve who you are with but they may well have good reasons for being worried and if you respect them don’t outright assume they are just ruining your love life. You say you feel insecure around boys your own age and that is something you need to work on to be ready to start a relationship with anyone.
Talk to your therapist and your parents and hear them out honestly. This really sounds like a huge mistake.July 13, 2017 at 2:58 pm #693624
The best advice is to get dating experience with someone your own age. You may trust this guy, but the age difference is severe. Worse, you say he is your best friend. So you were younger than 18 when the two of you got together, making the 9-year gap even more stark. Socially stunted is a problem. If you only feel comfortable interacting with or dating a socially stunted person much older than you, that points to serious gaps in your own social/emotional development. Your parents are right to insist you talk to your therapist about this crush. Your father is correct to feel guilt about allowing you to have a so-much-older opposite sex best friend, whom you were developing a crush on. I’m not sure why you are so trusting of this guy. That seems unwise.July 13, 2017 at 3:31 pm #693633
Well, first, the answer to your question is this: move out. Support yourself. If you don’t want your parents to be in your personal business, then conduct your personal business in your home, not theirs.
I’m guessing that your response would be, “But I’m only 18, I can’t support myself, I can’t afford a place of my own.” If you take their money, you take their opinions, too.
If you’re looking for a middle ground where they pay your living expenses, but forget that you’re their daughter and treat you like an unrelated adult, with no concerns about what’s going on in your life…that’s never going to happen.
They’re your parents. They see you walking towards a huge mistake that’s almost certainly going to end in heartache for you. It’s normal for them to be concerned. Look at us here on this board – a bunch of people who don’t even know you, and WE’RE concerned. How do you think your parents would feel?July 13, 2017 at 5:16 pm #693641
If you want your parents to treat you like an adult, start acting like one.July 14, 2017 at 9:32 am #693680
You’re trying to use your anger at your dad for things you feel he’s done wrong as some sort of evidence that he has bad judgment or doesn’t have the right to treat you the way he does. As terrible as you think he is, it doesn’t mean that he’s wrong. Someone in their late 20s who prefers to date 18-year-olds over people his own age IS probably stunted. I don’t meant that to sound super harsh, but it’s telling when a person finds their equal in someone who is that much younger than them (especially at an age where there IS a big difference in maturity level). A lot of people in their late 20s are at a point in their life where they are in the midst of careers, being independent adults, perhaps starting families even. But he’s choosing to be with someone who has barely reached adulthood. There’s a reason for that.August 7, 2017 at 8:09 am #696432
In love with my bestfriend
Last i checked 18 is not a child. He is getting better and has had tramatic experiances in his life that caused him to be emotinally stunted. When we met we didn’t know each others age and we became friends because we had alot in common. He doesn’t have anything serious. Also I have mental disabilities aswell. He just has adhd and bipolar disorder. Both treated with meds. Nothing holding back his maturity. Its his emotinal health that was effected by many things. He was outcast by his family because of his fathers actions and he heard a man who he saw as a father get murdered through the phone. Honestly I am abke to make my own choices. Wr have been best friends for almost 3 years with no problems. I did talk to a theripist about this and she said there was nothing wrong with how i feel.August 7, 2017 at 8:32 am #696440
Please read and consider what we are saying, since you came here for advice.
1. It is not a good idea generally for an eighteen year old to date a twenty seven year old. You are going through a time of extreme transition and are in a fundamentally different life stage than this guy.
2. The first person with whom you have a relationship should absolutely not be someone 27 years old. There’s a massive experience differential which will be problematic.
3. You are not doing this guy any favors by dating him. He will be better off being with someone his age who is able to navigate his emotional issues.
4. The fact that he was “best friends” with you when you were fifteen and he was twenty-four is …not great.
Go on some dates with some boys your own age. You are not ready to manage the burden of an adult’s mental health issues and you should not be dating someone so much older, particularly as your first serious relationship.
You say that you are not a child, but adults who go out and solicit advice listen and give it serious consideration.August 7, 2017 at 8:32 am #696441
haha just kidding about that last part. Adults usually don’t want to hear it either.