Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Ridiculously alone at 39

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar csp 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #716754 Reply
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    Ron

    The other posters gave a lot of good advice. Things won’t change until you want them to change strongly enough to leave your present unhappy comfort zone. Therapy and meds for your mental health issues seem a must, as does giving up your drugs. After that you are going to venture into situations which you now find uncomfortable in order to meet and connect with other people. Treating your mental health issues and dealing with your drug dependency (and that begins when you stop lying to yourself about not being dependent — if you turn to your drugs when you are feeling low, then you are best psychologically dependent upon them and either are or soon will be physically dependent). You don’t say what sort of therapy you’ve attempted and for how long, but it sounds like you have shied away from professionals who might actually diagnose and treat your mental health issues and start you on the road to recovery from your drug dependency. Only you can take the next step.

    #716962 Reply
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    csp

    LW, I believe you when you say that pot is the most insidious. You need to stop the pleasure escapes. It is so easy to spend your life in front of a TV, getting high and eating and having no meaningful connections.

    I have a few ideas. Find out where an older singles crowd hangs out in your town. I live in a sleepy suburb and we have an Italian restaurant that turns into a singles scene on Tuesday night. It honestly is a bunch of divorced people who are chained to the suburbs like you.

    I also think you need to look up Rut Busting. I have this happen from time to time. I think if you look to change everything for two weeks. Like, only run in parks you have never run in, go to bars you have never gone in, make recipes you have never made and eat at takeout you have never been to. Take a different commute and look up local events that you have never tried. Again, I live in a rural suburban place but the local farms have bands play and serve wine from local wineries. You can find local poetry readings or community theater. See if that helps you out of this funk.

    #717035 Reply
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    csp

    Phil, I was thinking about your letter all night. There is one other thing I did that made a difference for me. I did a writing exercise where I wrote down the life I wanted based on my current circumstances. So with the same income, job, what did I want. Each person this is different but I wrote down that I wanted to have a home where someone could stop by unannounced and it was clean enough and stylish enough not to be embarrassed. I wanted to have dinner with my family and have good food a few nights a week. I want to be fit enough to do fun things. I want to be well read and learn. I wanted to do interesting things on the weekends that didn’t involve sitting in front of a screen or sitting in a bar. To achieve a lot of this, I started looking up Facebook events and groupons. Then the algorithms gave me other ideas. Like, nearby there is a “punk rock flea market”, that seems new and different. Next weekend I am doing an inflatable 5k where you run then jump in bouncy houses. I started listening to podcasts on my commute that would help with these goals. I made an effort to learn how to cook and decluttered my home. I didn’t need all new furniture but really looked to value my home and take better care of it. Write what you want in a partner and in friendships. Invite married friends out with their kids and don’t worry about being corny.

    My favorite quote is “You are the cultivator of your life not the manager of your circumstances.”

    I just want you to know that i have been stuck before and hope that this can help make your journey a little easier.

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