Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Scared of dying alone and unloved.

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by TaraMonster TaraMonster 1 month ago.

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  • #729424 Reply
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    Martin

    I’m a 26-year-old male and a kiss-less virgin. Feel extremely worthless a lot of the time but mostly angry. I’m worried anyone I end up with will probably think I’m pathetic. Most advice says the problem is with me. I’ve been looking for the problem for 10 years and I haven’t found it. Bullies from when I was a younger teenager told me I’d never be “worthy” of a woman. I can almost hear them laughing at me. I still see the word “virgin” used to mean “pathetic” or even “psycho”.

    I’m scared I’ve wasted most of my life so far by not experiencing any level of intimacy. Is it too late for me to have a decent relationship/sex life and will women mind my inexperience?

    #729425 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Hello Martin. A young man asked a similar question or rather refused to ask titled ‘ how to give up’, the same question. So here’s a link to a useful answer to this I found for him & useful to you too:
    https://captainawkward.com/2014/08/26/617-all-the-dating-advice-again/

    There is nothing wrong with you that can’t be worked on. People develop and learn about life etc at different times. You’re in your 20’s, so plenty of time to realise your worth and find someone too. And you aren’t alone in this, but it’s true that people who are in a similar situation don’t advertise it. Especially as society pushes coupledom etc. You might need therapy etc to work on your self esteem and confidence too, but that’s one of the many reasons therapy and counseling exists.

    Oh & you already are worthy of a woman or anybody else, but you might need time and work on your self to see that clearly. Bullies are just shitty people who had bad lives & take that out on other people. It doesn’t mean anything about the person they bully, but for proximity, opportunity and seeing another person be happier/different from them. So you are fine but they tried to tear you down. Don’t let them continue to live in your head.

    https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/

    #729428 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    How are your non-romantic relationships and social interactions? Do you feel worthy in other areas of your life? Being inexperienced in your 20s is not that uncommon and is absolutely not the end of the story. If other areas of your social life are working well and you generally feel good about yourself I would simply say put yourself out there online dating, realize EVERYONE has trouble finding quality matches there and in real life, and try to enjoy meeting different women and getting to know them.

    However….you bring up anger and bullies so I am going to guess the issues you’re dealing with aren’t limited to women and dating. In that case I think a therapist can help you navigate some of the negative beliefs and thoughts that are holding you down. As far as the anger goes, realize that there are many people, including women, who have experienced just as much insecurity and rejection as you have but the ones who get bitter and angry are the ones who go downhill. People want to be around positivity, not bitterness-nothing turns women off more than desperation crossed with anger. Frankly it’s a scary combination and women will avoid you like the plague. If you sense that I’m yourself please get help and be open to a different way of thinking.

    #729429 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    *in yourself not I’m yourself.

    #729431 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    No, it’s not too late. I know several people who never had a serious relationship until their late 20s or even 30s. The one thing that you might be doing that is hurting your chances is that you’ve internalized what your childhood bullies said to you. If you are coming across as someone who is angry all the time and who doesn’t like yourself or thinks you’re pathetic, then that’s going to be the biggest roadblock for finding someone to date. People can get over someone being inexperienced or whatever, but they can’t see themselves with someone who is radiating anger and sadness all the time. Because when they imagine a future with someone like that, they envision themselves having to spend all their time reassuring them or potentially being the target of anger.

    I also agree with seeing a therapist. They can help take the negative experiences you’ve had in the past and move past them. They can also help you figure out if there are things that you are doing or saying that are making it harder for you to meet someone.

    #729432 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    So the advice site Dr. Nerdlove is an excellent resource for life and relationship advice, specifically catered to folks who need to work on their confidence. There are a lot of readers who are just like you- in their twenties without much romantic experience. Have a look through the archives and read some of the columns. Harris O’Malley gives really good, compassionate advice, having once been similarly unsure how to approach women and dating: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/basics/

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