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“Should I Move or Stay?”

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar LisforLeslie 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 28 total)
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  • #685903 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    Should I move home or stay with my boyfriend?

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and we now live together. I’m 26 and have a great career where I am currently, as does my boyfriend (we are both pharmacists). I am in England and my home is Ireland. My boyfriend makes me so happy and I love him to pieces, I couldn’t imagine a life without him! But recently we have had lots of arguments over his friends, who aren’t exactly very nice to me or including of me. He’s very supportive however and will always choose me over them. I don’t want it to be like that though and don’t want him to have to choose. I have tried to make effort with them but I get nothing back, so now I’ve given up. The whole situation has got me really down over the past few months and I really wasn’t happy with my life here anymore, always fighting a losing Brattle with his friends.

    I was so down I applied for a job at home in Ireland as I felt like I needed a break. Surprising! Given the job market, I got the job! And now I’m in this massive dilemma about whether to move home or stay here and be with my boyfriend?!

    Some factors:
    – he won’t come with me, not even to a big city like Belfast or Dublin similar to where he is from in England
    – he states he won’t do long distance with me for a few months while I go home and give my mind a break from this toxic situation with his friends
    – he states he wouldn’t even consider moving with me in the future when we had kids if I needed to be nearer my family
    – I don’t think I will be truly happy here long term to settle and have a family so far away from my family in Ireland

    I love him to pieces and feel I may be making the biggest mistake of my life is I walk away from him and move home, even short term! What do I do?

    #685907 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    You mention things YOU have done to make the relationship with your boyfriend’s friends better, but you mention nothing that he has done. In fact, all you mention about him at all, besides loving him to pieces, is what he won’t do (he won’t move, he won’t do long distance, he wouldn’t even consider moving in the future after you have kids and might want to be closer to your family). He doesn’t sound very supportive, which is a trait that’s pretty important to have in a longterm partner.

    I don’t know – I saw take the job and take a break from the relationship. You may find that with some distance and a change in perspective, that what was “really getting you down” was having a boyfriend who wasn’t very supportive. Or, you may find that you’re unhappier without him and are willing to make some sacrifices to be with him. Just make sure that he’s willing to make some sacrifices, too, or your relationship will suffer in the long run.

    #685910 Reply
    avatar
    Northern Star

    Definitely take the job. It’s pretty sad that your boyfriend won’t even agree to a long-distance relationship with you for a couple of MONTHS. That should be an easy request. It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible.

    #685911 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Honestly though? Who really ever moves anywhere for a couple of months? Just break up already. Why drag it out…

    #685912 Reply
    avatar
    Heather

    So…you split up. Yes you love each other, but a relationship is coming to a compromise in someway in order to bring happier together. There is no compromise. It’s his way(staying in London/Liverpool/Glasgow etc forever or no relationship). This means he gets his way and you don’t. Always & I’m going to take a very small leap of faith to say this is his personality, so it won’t change. Yes, you can give up on the job and any future return to Ireland and settle etc, but you’ll feel resentment and anger which leads to love dying. I won’t be immediate, but it will build and if you bring kids into it becomes a nightmare. So, move on already. Block all communication for say 6 months or more, cry, grieve and start dating again. All in the comfort of Ireland and with your exciting new job. Good luck! 🙂

    #685914 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I agree with Wendy. You applied and apparently interviewed for a job you knew would take you away from the current situation. I’m inclined to believe you did that because you know that there are problems with your relationship that aren’t really fixable. The friends thing is weird–unless you’re leaving out serious details them not wanting to spend time with you is likely coming from somewhere (like your bf talking shit about you or them being generally unfriendly people which leads me to wonder what kind of dude your bf is if his friends are jerks). You’re at a pivotal point in your life. I think your boyfriend’s unwillingness to ever consider moving regardless of circumstances says a lot about his commitment to a future with you.

    #685916 Reply
    bittergaymark
    Bittergaymark

    Eh, I do think she’s as much to blame here as she now wants him to move to her… (or do ldr) so that’s pretty much HER WAY or WAYS. NEWSFLASH! if neither of you even want to live in the same place… It’s, uh, gee… Kinda hard to be together long term.

    #685917 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    Do your boyfriend’s friends dislike you because you are Irish? I don’t think that would be too surprising in England.

    You applied for the job because of how unhappy you currently are. If you stay nothing will change and you will remain unhappy. You may love him but the relationship isn’t working so take the job and move. We are all capable of falling into love with someone who isn’t a good fit and that’s probably happened to you. He has some great qualities but overall the relationship doesn’t work.

    #685918 Reply
    avatar
    Fyodor

    “Definitely take the job. It’s pretty sad that your boyfriend won’t even agree to a long-distance relationship with you for a couple of MONTHS. That should be an easy request. It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible.”

    I agree with the consensus that she should break up, but this isn’t your typical temporary long distance situation, where someone gets a temporary work assignment. This is her specifically seeking out a new job in a different country for the purpose of getting away from and reevaluating the relationship. I wouldn’t stay around under those circumstances.

    #685944 Reply
    avatar
    S

    I agree with Fyodor. Did you tell your boyfriend you were applying for the job initianlly? I’d be pretty pissed off if I found out my girlfriend applied for a job to get away from our relationship and didn’t keep me in the loop about it. And no, I would not move anywhere or want to have a long distance relationship even for 2 months under those circumstances either.

    Plus I don’t understand why his friends not liking you is such a problem. Sure, it hurts and might make things more difficult, but do you have to spend time with them that much then? Can’t he just have some time with his friends seperately from you? Do you have friends of your own? It sounds like you’re lonely there, missing your family and all. Are you relying on your boyfriend and his friends too much to keep you company instead of your own friends?

    Either way, it doesn’t sound like you’re happy there with your boyfriend, even though you might love each other. If you’re absolutely positive you want to move back to Ireland at some point and your boyfriend isn’t open for that idea ever (even once you’ve resolved your issues) then maybe it is best to move out and move on.

    #686046 Reply
    avatar
    dinoceros
    Member

    If you’re saying you won’t be happy where you’re at long-term, and he’s saying he won’t move, then it sounds like you two are not compatible. You want two separate things.

    Randomly applying for a job in a different country as your boyfriend seemingly without really discussing or planning it seems like a pretty clear sign that you’re not that into the relationship anymore.

    #686047 Reply
    avatar
    The LW

    Thanks everyone for your replies. I haven’t gave him an ultimatum and said move with me, so I don’t feel I’m being selfish, it was just an option.

    I do have my own friends here yes but his friends are very sociable and always have activities or events organised so it’s just not very nice to feel like I can’t go to them and i don’t want him to have to keep us completely separate! If we were to get married they would have to come to the wedding wouldn’t they? So I feel it’s important we get along. I’m also not very thick skinned!

    the job – he did know I applied but never believed I would go any further with it and it was during some arguments about his friends (again) that drove me to apply.
    It wasn’t random, it was the result of all these arguments.

    Bitter gay mark – its entirely possible to move for just a few months. It’s what might be needed to clear my head and not feel as down as I have been feeling and discover what I really want. As well we earning money and continuing to work too.! Also, I was asking for advice on what to choose .. him or home ..
    So I haven’t chosen yet and we could still be together long term if i decide to stay where I am FOR him (newsflash back!)

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