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Should I tell him to lose weight?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Ron 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #728652 Reply
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    Chloe

    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a great person and I love him but over the past year he has been gaining quite a lot of weight. (He is medically classed as obese). He is always eating fast food and looking for more food after a meal. He says he doesn’t have time to prepare meals because of work and eats on the go. I have offered to make food for him but he refuses and says he will pick up a burger. He is always tired and no longer has any stamina in the bedroom which isn’t much of a turn on for me without sounding shallow. Obviously I want him to cut back for health reasons first and secondly to get our spark back. I am health conscious and have suggested he work out with me to which he got upset and said are you calling me fat. I don’t know what to do or say without hurting his feelings but I can’t watch him eat himself to death either. How do I approach this?

    #728655 Reply
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    Fyodor

    I think that you can suggest things on the margins but it’s going to be up to him. We’re wired from a billion years of evolution to store energy. You need to decide whether you can accept him as fat or not. You can’t make a partner lose weight.

    #728662 Reply

    Nope.
    If you’re not attracted to him or if you can’t live with the differences in your respective lifestyles–move on. Don’t try to manage anyone’s weight or food choices, that’s a slippery slope that leads to nowhere.

    #728666 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    As someone who is fat, he knows. He knows he is fat and he knows he is making bad choices. You don’t have to tell him that. I don’t fault you for being less attracted, yeah, it’s a little shallow, but that’s pretty human. You can say to him that it makes you sad that he’s sacrificing his health and that you’re frustrated that his libido is impacted. If he reacts poorly, that’s on him. My mom has said to me that she worries about my health over the long term and I acknowledge her concerns and then I eat some cheese.

    Ultimately though, this boils down to not taking care of himself and you can’t do it for him. You can’t force him to eat healthy and you can’t force him to exercise. He has to make those choices and you have to decide if you can live with the impacts.

    #728667 Reply
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    Brise

    I would move on. If you are so invested in his health that you intend to make food for him, whereas nothing happens in the bedroom, this relationship isn’t going to make you happy. You are not his nurse, and what is he offering as a boyfriend? You don’t say a single positive thing about him. Just end it.

    #728673 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I disagree that all fat people necessarily know they’re fat. When I was overweight, I didn’t realize how big I’d gotten until I’d lost most of the weight.

    It sounds like his weight gain is newer and something that happened over the past year. How is the rest of his life? Is he happy? Is he fulfilled with work and relationships? When I gained weight, I’d turned to food because I was deeply unhappy in other areas of my life and felt stuck. I suspect I’m not alone in finding comfort in food. If your boyfriend’s weight gain is a symptom of a deeper issue, it may be worthwhile to try to address the root cause.

    That aside, his weight and habits are ultimately his own. I think you’ve done what you can do — suggesting working out and cooking together — without crossing a line. And it reaches a point where you can accept and love him as he is, or move on. I personally don’t think it’s shallow.

    #728674 Reply
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    va-in-ny
    Participant

    I go back and forth between “fat people know they’re fat” and “some people don’t realize how big they’ve gotten”.

    When I was in college, I had gained weight. I knew it, but I also was under the impression that it was just a natural part of college life. I didn’t realize how much it had changed my appearance until I was at Thanksgiving with my family one year and someone commented on the food I was eating and I joked, “I know, WHERE DO I EVEN PUT IT?” and everyone laughed. Laughed a little too hard, really. It was a wakeup call for me. I’ve yo-yo’ed since then, but I’ve been on a pretty good streak as of late (down 50 pounds!) (and down nearly 80 pounds from that Thanksgiving) I’m trying to lose about 15 more to put me in a more healthy range before having a baby, but we’ll see how that goes. (Note: I’m in a healthy range now, but I wouldn’t want to get back into an unhealthy range during a pregnancy)

    Anyway, I guess my point is that sometimes you know and sometimes you don’t. His comments about not wanting you to cook for him might be his way of saying “oh, you don’t have to do that for me, I can pick something up” and meaning that he doesn’t want to inconvenience you – not necessarily that he doesn’t value his health.

    It’s an awkward conversation, and it’s hard to not take it personally when someone suggests you can do better for your health. I would say to start small. Make a pact that you’re going to be healthier together. Plan a summer trip and make it a goal to look your best by that point. Do some cooking together on a Sunday, prep weekly meals together and see if he’ll take those with him instead of picking up a burger. Plan dates around something that are more of an activity than hanging around or around food (visit a museum, zoo, or aquarium, go on a haunted walking tour of your city, etc.) and maybe the conversation will naturally fall into a realm of “what can we do to prioritize our health together?” instead of “you’ve gotten fat. change it!”

    I wish you luck – this isn’t an easy road to navigate, but it can be done!

    #728691 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    I can’t walk into the Gap and buy pants. I’m fat. If he can walk into the Gap and buy pants, maybe he’s just a little chunky. If you’ve started shopping at the Big & Tall store… you’re fat (Or tall).

    But if he’s saying “Are you calling me fat?” then I’d bet a fiver that he knows he’s fat.

    He might be depressed and that’s adding to the poor habits and lack of libido, but again – I go back to not taking care of himself.

    #728696 Reply
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    Chloe

    Thanks for your input guys. As for the comment that I have nothing positive to say about him. That isn’t true. I wanted to keep my question short and to the point. There are many positive things about him and he is the nicest person I’ve ever met. Going back we went through a very stressful period so I think it’s likely he is suffering from depression.

    #728701 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    I think that while some people may not know how overweight they are, it seems that he does. Or else his immediate thought when asked if he wanted to work out together would not have been “are you calling me fat?”

    I think you could address with him that you guys don’t have much of a sex life and see what he says, if he acknowledges his weight and expresses a desire to change. But otherwise, not much you can do, except determine what your limit is for staying in the relationship.

    #728706 Reply
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    Ron

    My take on your original post is that you may not have said the exact words, but you told him you think he’s fat. He knows it’s a turnoff for you, because otherwise you wouldn’t have brought it up rather strongly. Likely he doesn’t feel able to change and suspects that you will be dumping him quite soon.

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