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Should I try to contact my ex-best friend?

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice Should I try to contact my ex-best friend?

This topic contains 16 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Lissa 1 week, 1 day ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 17 total)
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  • #726180 Reply
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    Amanda

    Back in August my best friend was pursing inpatient mental health treatment and we had a fight. Her pet had just died and I had been trying to get a hold of her for days. I was worried because she’d mentioned thoughts of death to me and I wanted to check in. With no response, I sent her a gift in the mail, a drawing of her recently lost pet. Shortly after that (before she received the gift) she finally texted me back and told me that I was being aggressive and demanding too much of her and she was mad at me because of something I’d said months prior. She said she wanted a break. I called her and left her a voice message explaining that I think she’d taken what I said out of context since we were just texting and I wanted to talk over the phone. She never called back. A week later I was mid panic attack not sure what to do. She was my person and suddenly I was alone. So I texted her and told her I needed her. No response. Another week went by, during this time I made no attempt to contact her. I randomly decided to look at her facebook page and it was gone. I freaked out, imagining the worst, I feared she’d committed suicide. I decided then to facebook message her roommate and another close friend of her and ask if they’d heard from her. I never got a response from either of them. I also called her and left another message saying that I was thinking of her and wanted to hear her voice. Mind you, this is now my 2nd voice message in 3 weeks. I’ve also sent her 2 texts since she said she wanted a break. The next day I got a very long text explaining that I had crossed a line by texting her friend and that she couldn’t trust me anymore. I was being overwhelming and had no respect for her. She hadn’t deleted her facebook. She’d just blocked me. And she blocked my phone number too. I sent a text back saying that I was hurt that she thought I was being disrespectful, I did what I did because I cared for her greatly and I was worried. I assume she sent me the text and then blocked me again because I never got a response. To keep myself from sending her more I deleted her number from my phone and tried to move on. It’s been 2 months and I can still see her I stagram and her facebook business page and I miss her so much. I’m so hurt by her and I don’t know if I miss her just because I’m lonely or because I genuinely want her back in my life. I’m still facebook friends with her mom who I’m sure is probably mad at me. I’m sure she said some terrible things about me. And I could attempt to message her via instagram or her facebook page or business email. Should I try? Do you think she will realize she made a mistake and that I really was just trying to look out for her? Or will it just make it worse? I miss her so much and I don’t know what to do.

    #726188 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    She’s told you more than once that you’re overwhelming her and to not contact her. She does not want you to reach out through other channels. You are behaving like a stalker.

    She tried to ghost you. You didn’t get the message. She told you flat out that she doesn’t trust you and she doesn’t want to be in touch with you.

    I understand that you miss her, but you have to move on without her. Stop stalking her on social media. Don’t bring her up when you talk to mutual friends. If mutual friends bring her up just say “We haven’t really been in touch by her own request, so I’d rather not discuss her if you don’t mind.” and then change the topic of discussion.

    #726192 Reply
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    Amanda

    I think that calling me a stalker is a little hurtful and extreme. Especially considering that we mutually called each other our best friend for 5 years. During the month that passed between when she asked for a break and told me to go away for the last time, I reached out 3 times. I don’t think I’d consider that to be stalkerish in this instance. It did not have malicious intent, it was based out of concern. On top of that, since she has told me she doesn’t wish to speak to me anymore, I’ve made 0 attempts to contact her. How stalkerish of me. I do not sit at my computer every day staring at her social media. I actually unfollowed her on any remaining platform she did not block me because I thought it would be more beneficial to me mentally. I simply mentioned that I have the ability to access those sites because they are possible avenues I could use to reach out.

    We also do not have mutual friends.

    So I guess what my question really should have been is, if time has healing qualities, will it ever be appropriate for me to try and rekindle our friendship? I know she was in a tough spot mentally. I could’ve behaved better, but I don’t think I’m all to blame for the way our relationship ended. Ultimately though what we had was really special and when I’m 80 and dying I really truly think I’ll regret if if I just said “her loss” and walked away without ever trying again. Maybe in a month, maybe in 10 years. But will it ever be appropriate for me to reach out?

    #726193 Reply
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    SherBear

    Short answer is no – she tried to set boundaries and you did not respect them. If she ever wants to get in contact with you she knows how. In the meantime look into fostering other relationships (and maybe some good ole therapy), no one person should ever be you’re everything and only person – that is way too much pressure for anyone (much less someone going thru their own mental struggles).

    #726195 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    You need to leave her alone. When you are 80 you will know that you respected her wishes and left her alone. You can’t ignore her wishes out of fear of what you will think of yourself when you are 80. When you continue to contact someone who has told you to leave them alone it does become stalking so don’t cross over that boundary. She gets to set the boundaries in her own life.

    I suggest that if she does contact you at some point in the future you decline because this relationship isn’t healthy for either of you.

    #726198 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @amanda – You’re checking the channels that she’s left open and wondering if, despite the fact that she’s told you she doesn’t want you to contact her, maybe, just maybe you should contact her via these channels. That’s kind of stalker-y.

    She made her needs clear. The ball is in her court. For whatever reason, she decided that she would prefer to have no contact, even after 5 years of friendship. If she wants to resume a friendship she should reach out to you. You are going to have to let her go. You didn’t just say “Her loss” and let it go; you contacted her multiple times despite her asking you not to. So give yourself permission to say “I did what I thought was right and now I’m abiding by the boundaries she has set.”

    #726200 Reply
    FireStar
    Firestar

    Do you have other friends? Spend time with them. Cultivate new friends. Volunteer. Learn to paint. Something.

    The answer to should you ever contact her is no. She expressly told you not to. Move on. Break ups – of all kinds-are rough. I had a best friend from high school I had to cut off after university. Was anything unforgivable? Did she murder my pet? Sleep with my boyfriend? No. But I was just done. And 10 years later she contacted me. It was awkward and I didn’t want her to and nothing good came out of it. And 10 years later she did it again. Through a ridiculously long Facebook message…Rehashing things from 20 years ago. And it was full on creepy. Don’t be that chick… Some times people are in your life for a page, sometimes a paragraph, sometimes for a chapter. Not everyone is in the whole book. Be grateful for the friendship you had while you had it and move on..

    #726202 Reply
    Copa
    Copa
    Participant

    I don’t know if I miss her just because I’m lonely or because I genuinely want her back in my life.

    This stuck out to me. I’m willing to bank it’s the former moreso than the latter. How are the other relationships in your life going? Now is probably a good time to look toward strengthening other relationships and meeting new people. Move forward with your life. Don’t reach out, though. You’ve done so several times and received the same response. More contact will likely aggravate her even more even though a couple months have passed.

    #726203 Reply
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    Amanda

    Thank you for your genuine advice and experience. I appreciate your point of view without calling me a stalker. I guess I’m just having a hard couple of days. I can’t wait for enough time to pass where I don’t think about her everyday. I guess I’m just in a hard spot right now because I’m in the midst of trying to figure out what to do with my life and transferring to a new school so I don’t have much of a social life.

    #726212 Reply
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    LeslieJoan

    Good grief. What part of “no” don’t you understand? First of all, you mention that all of this was going on **when she was pursuing inpatient mental health treatment.” If there ever was a time that a person does not have the capacity to deal with anyone *else’s* freakouts, it’s then. But when she says no, instead of listening, you feel the need to jump in and explain or try to excuse: oh nooo, you’re taking it the wrong way, I mean well, it’s out of caring, etc etc etc. But you still refuse to get the message, and it doesn’t matter. No means no, and blocking you means you’ve refused to get the message any other way so she needs to cut you off – and even then, you are still upping the ante by reaching out to her friends. She cannot handle your needs now. It doesn’t matter how long you were friends, and what you’ve done is to drown whatever relationship you had, I’m sorry. If you need mental health support of your own, then please get it. But please, when someone says stop then you need to stop.

    #726214 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    When someone tells you not to contact them, you respect that.

    It doesn’t matter that you miss her.
    It doesn’t matter that you need her.
    It doesn’t matter that you think she should be talking to you.
    It doesn’t matter that you’re worried.

    It doesn’t matter that you can see her Instagram and her business page. That is not an invitation for you to contact her. If it hurts you to see them, then don’t look at them.

    By the way, the legal definition of stalking includes “non-consensual communication.” Which is exactly what you have been doing, and are thinking about doing again. She has told you very plainly that she doesn’t want you to contact her. Don’t.

    #726229 Reply
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    Amanda

    I will not be checking my responses here again. I want to thank the two people have gave me advice without berating me. This is my first time on this site and my last. I had a really rough weekend thinking about her, I was really tempted to write to her and ask for forgiveness. But I didn’t. Not thanks to most of you though. I will admit that through the two constructive responses I got, I was able to understand why I should t. But good god. Most of you are just downright mean, insensitive people. I regret asking for advice and I regret reading what you had to say. I want you all to know there are ways of giving advice without making people feel like they’re absolutely terrible people and no you don’t have to be completely 100% nice but you also need to know that you don’t have the full story here. You have what I wrote in 5 minutes.

    Also, side note, based on what I found on .gov sites, your “legal definition” is not accurate. I have made some poor choices regarding this relationship but I am not the only one at fault. I could have been better, but I wasn’t. That’s in the past. But apparently I’m still a stalker now because I thought about her today. Whoops. Guess I’ll go get electric shock therapy so I f

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