Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Should I try to leave now or hang in there?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 1 week, 2 days ago.

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    I had to move cuz the assisted living facility I was at is closing soon. I moved in with my daddy cuz it will take a while to get an apartment through the Supportive Living Program. I don’t like the way he treats me.

    – The last time I went grocery shopping with him, he said after we got home, “Next time we go shopping, stay the fuck out of my way!” I thought this was way too harsh and unnecessary, since if I was in his way, he could’ve just said “Excuse me.” He also got mad at me for eating right after I put the groceries away. He wants me to always wait until at least 15 minutes after I get home to eat.

    – He throws a fit if I buy frozen fries.

    – He told me to kill myself.

    – He sometimes says, “Do you want to fight?” which adds to the hostile atmosphere.

    – I don’t remember specifically how he has indicated this, but I know that he has a very negative view of me. I have vague memories of him making me feel like a messed up person.

    I’m trying to manage my mental illnesses (which I think may have developed at least in part cuz of how he treats me) and get myself to a good enough place that I can get off of Social Security and support myself. Dealing with him at home is making it harder to reach my goals. In addition to the mistreatment, before I moved in, the house was very grimy. Also, he leaves the door and a window open a lot, so a lot of bugs get in, including but not limited to spiders and crane flies (a type of fly with very long, spindly legs. ick.) The mistreatment, mess, and bugs altogether make for a very depressing environment.

    My therapist referred me to a temporary apartment for people with mental illness that I could hopefully stay at while waiting for a long term apartment, but even that will take a long time. There’s a part of me that wants to leave right away.

    I’ve been thinking about going to a shelter and/or moving in with someone from Craigslist. My mommy thinks that they’re both bad ideas cuz they’re too “dangerous” and says that she might cut me out of her life if I leave soon. She’s okay with me moving out sooner to go to the temporary apartment, but I’m not sure if I can wait even that long. I tried suggesting to her that I could meet the Craigslist roommate(s) in public before moving in with them, but she still insists that it’s a bad idea. If I go to a shelter, my payee will only give me $20 a week for as long as I’m homeless. I just started getting Social Security after a lifetime of severe impoverishment, so it’s very difficult to think about going back to having hardly any money.

    I’m torn about what to do.

    As far as other options go: my mommy isn’t willing to let me move in with her. I only have two friends, both of whom live far away. I don’t know many people yet cuz I only recently began understanding how socializing works. I’m not in touch with any other family members. I go to a Unitarian church that has a pastoral care team, but I’m not sure how to get in touch with them or how much help, if any, they could give me.

    If you think I should stay, I’d appreciate any advice you have about how to cope. My daddy isn’t willing to try to keep the bugs out, and I don’t feel like I have the strength emotionally to clean up his mess. It grosses me out too much.


    Talk to your minister or if that’s not possible to any long-term church member about pastoral care. It sounds like your father can’t cope on his own and you on top of that is just too much for him. Likely you inherited your mental ills from him. There likely is a county service that can help you on an interim basis.


    I don’t appreciate being blamed for the situation. Thanks to you, I’m spiraling down even further. Even if it’s true that he can’t handle having me there, he needs to respectfully ask me to move out instead of abusing me. It sounds like you think the way he’s treating me is justified, and it’s not.


    BlueMorningDove, Ron didn’t blame you at all, or say the way your father is treating you is justified. Read his post again. You father may not be capable of doing any better than he’s doing. It certainly sounds that way.

    I agree that you should start with your church. If you found us, you can find your church’s web site the same way. Just search for the name of it on Google, and you’ll find the phone number of the church. Call and say that you need help. Or, when you go to services, talk to any priest/minster or staff member. Or even a fellow churchgoer; they can help you talk to the pastoral care team. At the very least, they can guide you to the local social services that can help you.


    I can’t find anything about the pastor care team on the church website. Also, I don’t want anymore replies to this thread cuz it’s just upsetting me. I’m not gonna use the forum on this site anymore cuz I no longer feel safe posting here. I’m not even sure if I feel safe asking the church for help at this point, since everyone is just gonna blame me. Just never mind. I wish I never said anything.

    Leslie Joan

    What Ron was saying was that you should try talking to the minister about the pastoral care team, reasoning that the minister could direct you, since it’s not on the website. Good luck; I hope you get the help you need and deserve.


    I missed that part of his post cuz I was so upset about him blaming me for the abuse. And maybe it sounds like a simple solution and that I must be totally stupid, but it’s hard to think clearly when I’m so stressed. I’ll try talking to the minister and/or one of the church members. Now, please no more. Please respect the limit I’m setting of no more replies to this post. I’m too upset to deal with anymore.


    Lmk if you change your mind.

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