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Should I walk away from this "relationship"

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This topic contains 20 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #672997 Reply
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    ashley

    I met this guy who moved in with a friend of mine. He came here from New York on December 18th, we met then and hit it off. From there I was at the house every day, we were texting and there was instant chemistry. We started sleeping with eachother about three days in. We were extremely into eachother. His roommate had went away for the winter holidays for an entire month so it was just me, him and his other roommate at the house. I spent every night at the house, it was almost as if I had lived there because we just couldn’t get enough of eachother! We had come to the understanding that since we are sleeping together and have developed feelings for each other we would not sleep with other people, also to protect our sexual health. I spent Christmas night with him because he does not have family out here as he is here for school and basketball. He does not have a car so I offered to take him places to make his life easier as he begins to start his foundation. I never got the impression he was using me because he has taken me out for dinner and breakfast and helps me out whenever he can. Three weeks in, I went away for the weekend. That weekend he had a one night stand with some girl who just crawled into bed with him while his roommate was throwing a house party… to make matters worse, me and this girl already DO NOT like eachother. He did not tell me that he slept with anyone and on that sunday I came back, I was right in his bed like usual. He acted as if everything was fine. That following Thursday, we had plans to watch the university mens basketball game. I was unable to get a hold of him for 7 hours. Essentially he stood me up. There had been a series of break ins at his house earlier in the weeks so I was very scared that maybe something had happened to him… When I showed up to the house that night he had told me he was at the movies with another girl.

    I was in shock… I ended up throwing everything off his table and knocking over his shoe rack and I slapped him across the face. I found out that he had given his number to this girl and they had a one night stand back in September when he was first in Canada. He said that she wanted to pursue something more but he rejected her and told her that he’s with me and he sees me as his girl/ future girlfriend.. I was very confused why he had to go to the movies to tell her that? Who talks at the movies?? So in short, I ended up forgiving him, under the impression that this one night stand happened months ago and he had ended this thing with her.

    Throughout the past month I saw her texting him in the middle of the night, he was liking her Instagram photos, but he SWORE he had cut her off and she has been persistent in pursuing him. Last week, he finally admitted that before they went to the movies he invited her in to hang out before they went to the movies (he swears they never hooked up then) he then admitted that he slept with her while we were talking. I was absolutely shocked. Better yet it took an entire day of arguing for him to admit it happened the weekend I was away. He claims we were not official, but he always asks me if I had slept with other people because hes concerned about his sexual health. Yet, this asshole did not respect my sexual health it seems like, although he promises he work a condom.

    He has been begging me to work it out with him, and that he regrets it and wish he never did it. He wants me to trust him again and that I am the only woman he is with and he has cut this girl off. I do have intense feelings for him and care about him deeply, but I can’t seem to get over the fact that we’ve only been seeing eachother for two months and he had the nerve to have a one night stand with a girl who crawled into his bed three weeks in!! He didn’t even know her and had me back at the house the next day as if everything was fine and dandy!

    I feel betrayed beyond belief. I know we did not have official titles but I THOUGHT we were under an agreement that we wouldn’t sleep with other people while were getting to know each other. Better yet, I feel humiliated because not only do I DISLIKE this girl, she had the nerve to talk shit about me to him when they were at the “movies” and I’m back at the house infront of the roommates and other people while they all know he had a one night stand! Even more humiliating to me is that I was laying in that bed while another woman was in it less than 24 hours ago.

    There is so many great aspects to him, he has bought me gifts and I know he has deep feelings for him. In a way I understand where he’s coming from, he is new to the country, he got out of a relationship in october and wants to take time with this relationship… but I can’t shake the way it all went down. He is not all bad but this latest stunt makes me feel our dynamic is no longer fixable and there’s no way I could trust him in a full on relationship.

    #672999 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Ugh, no. Forget this. The drama, the lies, the fact that you HIT HIM. Wtf. No, you won’t be able to trust him. He in no way wants a monogamous relationship. He wants to hook up with whoever falls into his bed (like you did in December). He’ll say he’s not sleeping with anyone else if that’s what it takes to get sex on the regular. And rides to school and stuff. He’ll go to dinner with you and text you. But he is not, and does not want to be (ever) your boyfriend.

    #673000 Reply
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    ashley

    Thanks kate you are absolutely right! What drives me nuts is that I’ve told him I’m open to having a more causual or open relationship only if there communication between us in order to protect our health. He claims he wants me to himself and does not want me being with other men because he has feeling for him. In other words he wants his damn cake and eat it too! No one should put up with this bullshit!

    #673001 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Right, it’s bullshit. Either you agree it’s just casual or you agree not to sleep with other people. If the latter, and you go ahead and sleep with other people, you’re a liar and a jerk. He’s told you a whole lot of lies, and you’ve behaved abominably by throwing stuff and hitting him. Time to move on.

    #673002 Reply
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    Ron

    Yeah he expects you to be monogamous, while he intends not to be, while pretending otherwise. Just the whole controlling, hypocritical, double-standardness of it all should be adequate cause for you to MOA and not look back.

    #673003 Reply
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    golfer.gal

    Wow, so yeah I’m going to agree with Kate and say you should be 100% done with this guy. He’s a jerk who is going to continue to lie to you, and he doesnt value your feelings. Block his number, unfriend him, and get tested at your school’s health center since (I assume) his sex with the other woman was unprotected.

    I’m also going to say that screaming, hitting!!?? this man, throwing things around the room, and having hour long screaming fights to get him to admit things is…really, really not good. Like, never, ever ok under any circumstances. If you find yourself facing the kind of anger or instability on a regular basis I would strongly suggest making an appointment with your school’s counselling center. You seem to think your response was normal and it’s not. Even when faced with really hard circumstances it’s never ok to get violent.

    #673005 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    TLDR. Way too much drama for someone you barely know. You’rd being violent, not okay, at all.

    #673006 Reply
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    ashley

    I slapped him because I felt as though he was recklessly endangering my sexual health and not living up to an agreement that he put forward! You guys are right though, I do not condone violence and it is not okay unless in self defence.

    #673007 Reply
    mrmidtwenties
    mrmidtwenties
    Participant

    Him being “reckless” with your sexual health is no excuse for assault.

    #673008 Reply
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    ashley

    He was having unprotected sex with me and possibly this woman he literally does not know in the same 48 hours! God forbid I get angry! I clearly said violence is NOT okay, I lost my cool, it definitely is hard to keep your composure under circumstances like that. I am human!

    #673009 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    Losing your cool is human and so is time in jail for violence. You need to always know when to turn and leave and never look back. You could have made just as strong a point by turning and walking out and blocking all further communication. You need to decide now that you will never repeat that violence. You should never make excuses for it. Know the reasons but don’t use them as excuses because excuses won’t keep you out of jail if someone chooses to press charges.

    I was cheated on by a guy that I intended to marry. I didn’t hit him or throw things or knock things around. I broke up. Breaking up is the easiest and best solution and it can be very satisfying. If becoming angry has lead to violence in the past you should seek counseling. You may feel that it demonstrates the depth of your emotion but what it shows is that you lose control and that you like violence. It defines you just as much or more than helping someone by giving them rides. Violence defines you. You will be unable to have a happy life if you keep the violence.

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 1 week ago by Skyblossom Skyblossom.
    #673011 Reply
    mrmidtwenties
    mrmidtwenties
    Participant

    Having unprotected sex with someone you’ve only been seeing for 2 months, whether or not you’re in a committed relationship with them, is you being reckless with your own sexual health.

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