Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Sudden break up

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by avatar Heatherly 2 weeks ago.

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  • #728305 Reply
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    Ivy Mc

    The break up happened last week, we were lying in bed after spending sometime together in the evening. I noticed the last week or 2 he wasn’t saying “I love you”, he’d say it back but I guess he usually said it first so it was less. I thought it was strange, he also started gaming, he missed a gathering with my friends because he spent 5 hours playing, he felt distant. He started to talk about wanting to make ridiculous amounts of money if he got into a certain field after school, how competitive the different cultures were and he wanted to spend his free time doing more studying and gaming. It was a sudden shift of behaviour, he just started school, he was scared, he has a lot of pressure. I thought it was that and he was just focused. I quit my job and searched for a month and half, got one. I was depressed, but I had the finances and my job was not ethical so I needed to work for something better. It was scary, it was hard, but it was right – he agreed with what I had decided, but things changed when it was harder, when I was weaker, more vulnerable. The gaming, the distance, the need to be rich/leave our home city. He said what was happening with me was too much for him, he couldn’t handle it. It weighed on him.

    We didn’t discuss it, we didn’t try to make things better, he didn’t tell me things were bad until he told me he was leaving. He didn’t tell me how much my pain hurt him, I knew it must’ve but I thought he’d hold on because it was low but it wasn’t forever. He just said he had to leave, he wouldn’t say he loved me, said I’d always be in his heart. Told me he wanted to talk, thought I deserved that, he respected me. Said he just gets this way, he becomes detached, thought I deserved to know.

    It was unexpected when it happened, but when I think about it now I see it. I had a dream last night I begged him to stay, he kept telling me to go away. In reality I asked how. How he could stop loving me. I was just shocked. I respected his decision, I didn’t get it, but I knew I didn’t want to be with him if he didn’t. It was one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt, I asked him to drive me to my parents house because I didn’t feel safe alone. He did, and I eventually got safe.

    I called him a couple days later to clear up what happened, again it was shocking and I wanted to make sure he was sure. He just told me he needed to leave the relationship, it was best for him. I said it hurt but if that’s how he felt I was happy he told me, I would move on, be a little mad naturally right now but I wanted to be friends in the future. I said we aren’t good partners, I can see that now, but I think we’d be good friends. I told him to contact me in the new year, when he felt like we could be friends, but that I wouldn’t be waiting by the phone.

    It was my first good relationship, he was very kind to me until the end. He was amazing to be in love with, the relationship was a dream. Every other relationship I was in was abusive, I ended all of them, too late. It makes me pretty afraid that I’ll never have one like this again, I’ll never have another kind love. I get the fear that he was “the one” but I lost him because I was weak. It’s painful.

    #728325 Reply
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    brise

    Sorry about that, it sucks, especially as it comes in addition to other problems. It is often like this, problems come together, it shows you where you stand, what is solid around you. The breakup didn’t occur because you were weak, unless it drove you nuts it wasn’t your fault. He didn’t hold under pressure, he was himself too absorbed in his own issues, the relationship wasn’t solid enough, the link didn’t hold.
    I think you reacted well but now you need to stop calling him. Don’t entertain the hope or idea of a friendship with him, you don’t need that, you don’t want him as a friend. He sounds immature. Just let it go. Try to get in touch with your angry side about it, and turn a new page in your life altogether. Your job is to focus on yourself, your own good, your well-being. It is great you found again a position, so this will drive your attention and give you more energy. This relationship was not abusive, so you are on the right path. The more independent and self-confident you become, the easier it will be for your love life. Follow a class if you feel like, meditation or yoga or whatever calms down your mind and makes you feel better about yourself. It will pass, and you will find better partners than this one.

    #728328 Reply
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    Heatherly
    Member

    Peoples feeling change and his did. So he broke up with you. A break ups are very hard for both, but especially for the one who got broken up with. But to break up it only takes one of the people in the relationship to decide it, so it isn’t a point to start debating and negotiations. Though it’s very human to want to try that. So it’s time to stop calling him, block all communication ( you can’t get over some if you talk & see them all the time), wallow in grief, then slowly and surely move on. It takes at least 6 months to get through this.

    By way, be proud and glad you did managed to have a good and relatively healthy relationship after abusive one. A lot of people don’t manage that.

    http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2017-09-dear-dana-break-someone-move/ ( the person who wrote in did the deed, but way it’s put is for both sides of this.)

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