- January 9, 2017 at 8:46 pm #668225
It’s not your place to determine that his daughters are too spoiled and entitled. You aren’t their mother, or their stepmother, you are just their father’s girlfriend. Divorce can be extremely traumatic for children. Your bf is trying to take that into consideration. He should push harder for therapy for the wall puncher, who seems to be carrying a lot of anger from the divorce.
How long have your bf and his ex been divorced? Were you dating him before the divorce was final? If so, his daughters may well blame you for the divorce. How long into your dating relationship and how long after their parents’ divorce were you so thoroughly inserted into their lives. It may well have been too sudden. They may want their father more to themselves when they see him.
It is natural that your bf is more concerned with his daughters than he is about whether you and he get to watch the big TV. He’s a parent, who knows that his as well as his ex’s actions have put the daughters in a very difficult situation which they have not been able to cope with at all well. Living in two places isn’t either. Time spent with a parent, who isn’t entirely their, because he is with his gf, isn’t easy. Lot’s of kids are messed up by their parents’ divorce.January 9, 2017 at 8:57 pm #668226
Yep Ron, I get that which is why I am trying to figure out a solution. I care about the kids father, and I am also concerned for the children and the impact their parents separation is having on them. I know that can’t be easy for them.
Anyhow I think a bit of space is the right answer for now, there is certainly no need to rush anything. I can spend the one day on the weekend every other weekend, that doesn’t seem to excessive.January 9, 2017 at 8:59 pm #668227
Wait a minute, why isn’t he divorced?January 9, 2017 at 9:03 pm #668229
Well that is personal but he was having issues with his ex responding to his lawyer with answers to everything, and he has finally worked out the separation agreement, house finalized in his name, etc, but has not finalized the actual divorce. I have been hounding at my ex as well to work with me to get the divorce finalized, we will be filing together, which lawyer, etc.January 9, 2017 at 9:08 pm #668231
You are judging them so harshly! Their parents split up-but they aren’t divorced, so in their minds there is still hope. Why haven’t they divorced? It’s possible one of the parents is still holding on to hope as well.
These are children. You realize that, right? They don’t want their father dating or to have a girlfriend. Of course they aren’t going to like your cooking, or want you staying up with their father, or spending the night there. Is this a surprise or shock? If you want to make an impact on them without parenting (which is not your place) act calm and cool and with kindness and respect to them. At all times.
Don’t insinuate or mutter how they should be grateful. Or how they are spoiled. Or how they have their heads in their tablets all the time. That is a parenting choice made by their parents. They are still learning how to treat others.January 9, 2017 at 9:09 pm #668232
I am hoping that they do not blame me, I had met their father over a year after he separated from their mother and she had moved out, so that was certainly not my doing. I am concerned for his children and their behaviour, I do realize that I can’t do much on my end, however what small bit I can do hopefully will help. I want to be a good positive influence on their life, but realize these kind of things take time. I am just trying to doing the best that I can in this situation and I am thinking a bit of space and try to connect a bit more with the girls when I have the opportunity.
January 9, 2017 at 9:21 pm #668238
- This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by fourleafclover.
I dunno…this is a very complicated family situation. It’s great that you guys found each other and all but he has a 12 year old punching holes in walls. That should really be his priority.January 9, 2017 at 9:22 pm #668239
Reading your latest update, you just seem to have extremely strong opinions about how your bf should parent his children. Honestly, a lot seems based upon what works best for you and what you think you deserve. I think you are out of bounds. This isn’t your job. I also don’t think you should be trying to make yourself a greater presence in the daughters’ lives. It’s clear you don’t approve of or especially like or sympathize with them. For someone who wants to get closer to the kids and be a role model, there seems a lot of me, Me, ME! in what you write. How sure are you that you are going to marry this guy or be with him 5 years from now? You strike me as too interested in deciding how these girls are parented. They aren’t your kids. At least they aren’t yet your kids. It is very difficult to be a step parent. Don’t try to be a step girlfriend-sort-of-parent. It’s not a role that works.
If the parents aren’t yet actually divorced, which means you told a whopper in your initial post, then you simply should not be spending the night with your bf when he has his kids with him. That is not at all fair to the kids. It’s selfish. Your bf is a father. He should be putting the welfare of his children foremost. And you aren’t actually divorced either. You and bf are involving traumatized young kids in a big adult mess, and you are blaming the kids for how they react to that mess and denying you the life you think you should be having with their father. Shame on you!January 9, 2017 at 9:29 pm #668243
I don’t think she deserves this sort of heavy criticism. My impression is that a lot of this is going on in her head. It’s not wrong to think he’s parenting badly as long as she’s not telling him that. Pre-teen girls are punching holes in walls and having tantrums. Sure, we can assume that it’s some sort of “traumatic” response to separation/divorce, but I think it’s also a concern for someone who presumably is wondering if this is what her life is going to be like for the next 10 years. I don’t know if it’s a generational thing, but none of my friends (or myself) threw tantrums or punched holes in walls due to our parents’ divorces. And some of these were people who had a parent with substance abuse problems, etc. I get that they may be acting out due to some sort of “traumatic” reaction to their parents separating, but I think it’s a little much to imply the LW is a bad person for not liking the situation.January 9, 2017 at 9:38 pm #668244
Thanks dinoceros. You’re right, I don’t often say anything, I try to laugh and have fun with the kids. Their behaviour is a concern, and like I said it is not my place to try to change their behaviour. Although I don’t necessarily like how my boyfriend handles everything, he can make all of the calls, I really have no say and completely realize that. I am trying to figure out a solution in general or at least think things through or hear a fresh perspective. I figure more space and time and just make my time with the girls light and fun. And I do wonder about the future as well and things like that.January 9, 2017 at 9:56 pm #668245
I disagree. When a LW posts that she has just about a perfect bf, except for his kids, that’s a red flag. When she herself sees enough issue with invading the home the kids live in with their not-yet-divorced father for sleepovers, when she isn’t even totally sure of the future of this relationship, that she lies in her initial post and says her bf is divorced, then that is another red flag. Claiming that the kids are disrespectful (in what she really then describes as very trivial slights) to their still-married father’s gf when she stays the night just seems self centered. I think LW saw enough off with her initial post that she deleted it.
When you’re a parent, your kids have to be top priority. When you are divorcing your spouse, the kids’ reaction to that tearing apart of their family has to be your top priority, not the convenience of your new gf.
Punching out a wall a couple times is indeed a red flag. The divorcing parents need to make therapy for this kid a top priority. This girl is not fairing at all well at present. Just because some kids survive divorce tolerably well, doesn’t mean all do. A separation that drags and drags toward possible divorce, as one parent insists upon inserting an overnight judgmental gf into his young children’s lives is guaranteed to make any child’s adjustment to divorce a lot harder. The kids must have no sense of normalcy and probably have no idea what happens next.
This relationship has moved way to fast for the children’s sake.January 9, 2017 at 10:03 pm #668246
It doesn’t really matter when you met their dad, to them, you’re preventing their dad from getting back with their mom. You’re the current problem. And in their eyes, you’re taking away their time with their dad.
I see that you deleted your post, so I didn’t see all the details. You’re in a tough spot, because you really have no standing to discipline them at all. You’re not living with them, you’re visiting them in their home. You’re not a stepmother or even a fiance.
It’s really on your boyfriend to manage all of this, not you. He should be seeing to it that they treat you with at least minimal respect, but he can’t make them like you, and unfortunately, right now they have very little reason to like you, and a whole lot of reasons to resent and dislike you. Their father is still married to their mother. Which is giving them hope that their parents will reconcile.
I don’t know. There’s really not much you can do except continue to be as kind and polite as you can manage. At least you’ll be modeling good behavior for them. As others have said, they’re a package deal with their dad. If you stay with him, they’ll always be in the picture.