Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Update – "how to let go"

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar Waverly 3 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #666346 Reply
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    Waverly

    I am so happy that I posted here before the Christmas holiday. It’s only been a week but the realizations that I made after reading through all of the advice on my post made an immediate difference.

    We obviously ran into brother and sister in law on Christmas and I noticed a change in myself already. The first thing is, I didn’t get upset that they didn’t ask my Fiance’s daughter how she was feeling. Instead, they were thanking God that ther boys recovered from their ear infections in time for Christmas. No, I’m not kidding. They didn’t ask how she was doing after her emergency appendectomy, they just talk about their struggles with ear infections.

    Honestly though, realizing exactly what was bothering me about them seriously changed my attitude. I was able to roll my eyes and move on. This is actually the first time that I’m thinking about it since Christmas, and my blood isn’t starting to boil.

    Also, my brother in law was LITERALLY following my mother in law from room to room yapping and whining about anything and everything.

    Usually when this happens, I strain to listen even though it pisses me off. This time, I stayed where I was and barely noticed what he was saying. I honestly didn’t care, I just felt bad for my mother in law that he was yapping away as she was trying to set the table, trying to get dinner out… everywhere she went, he went, blabbing away.

    I know it’s soon for an update but I’m honestly amazed at how quickly I was able to change my reactions to them.

    My feelings were absolute poison and did nothing to change the situation.

    I feel so much better and I’m hoping I can maintain this attitude. I’m also continuing my work with my new therapist, going weekly until we establish a solid foundation, then will move to a regular every other week schedule.

    I can’t thank this community enough, not only for being open to what I was saying, but to help me dig a bit deeper to find the root cause of my feelings!

    #666357 Reply
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    Waverly
    Member

    Also, I’m new to the forums so I actually thought my old thread was closed because it said “comments on this entry are closed”. I realized that that doesn’t mean the topic is closed. That’s why I didn’t update in my old thread.

    #666497 Reply
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    K

    Glad to hear that you’ve been able to change your attitude towards them!

    #667221 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Sounds like you made it through the holidays with a minimum amount of added stress. Be careful though – too much eye rolling could require opthamalogic intervention. Which of course would be ignored by the whackadoodle because one of the kids had a hangnail.

    #667224 Reply
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    Waverly

    That made me laugh. She’s desperately trying to make herself happy but she hasn’t learned that if you’re miserable on the inside nothing is going to make you happy on the outside.

    She always has it worse or better than my brother in law. My brother in law has been making bracelets as a hobby (yes, he will be forty in a few years). When he found that, she started metal stamping. Then she started making beads. Then she started splatter painting on canvas. Now she’s making jewelry.

    This cycling through hobbies started a month ago. She did all of that in a month, right now she’s making jewelry. I don’t even want to know where all of that junk is in the house, and it’s stuff that a toddler shouldn’t be around. Metal stamping? With a toddler running around?

    Though, brother in law says the toddler watches monsters Inc five or six times a day (he will be 2 in February) so they have a tablet shoved in his face for 10 hours every day, I guess when you turn your toddler into a zombie with his face buried in a tablet for 10+ hours a day, you get a lot of free time. Luckily, they nixed their idea of buying him his own tablet to keep him from stealing his brothers. They decided that he’s too young for his own.

    He had his face buried in monsters inc on my mother in laws lap when we walked in. I actually positioned my daughter so she couldn’t see it. She gets her own screen time so I can shower in peace, don’t get me wrong, but not when we have company or when I’m with her. How else will she learn to interact with people?

    Her hobbies are not cheap and apparently they are going to try to sell them on etsy… or… something.

    It’s hard to see her waste so much money on this crap and STILL have to listen to my brother in law hem and haw about why the kids don’t have boots or snow suits.

    My 16 month old daughter spent her first time in the snow on Saturday and I was telling my mother in law all about the snow suit and boots. She turns to my brother in law and asks “do the kids have boots and snow clothes”? I had to listen to his dumbass stumble saying “he just started walking (he started walking in the summer, he’s 6 months older than my daughter and didn’t walk until after she did, until he was 18 months old. That tells you how much they DON’T interact with that poor kid) and that he grows too fast to keep up with foot wear. The 9 year old doesn’t like going outside so he doesn’t need boots or snow clothes.

    My mother in law said, well we should look into buying them for him I guess. WE, as in, Fiance’s parents.

    I was able to keep my mouth shut but it’s sooooo frustrating to see her blow money left and right (him too) while doing absolutely nothing for the kids.

    She wants to go to Vegas for her 40th in april. What she wants, she gets and the kids will be left with Fiance’s parents while they leave. She wants to do a big thing for his 10th birthday (she only started talking about a huge party after we rented a community room for my daughters first birthday because my family is huge)… you know, that whole one upping nonsense even though they have no friends and would have maybe 10 people at this party. Anyway, Fiance’s mom said “you can’t afford Vegas and you can’t afford to do both”

    I’ll place money on which one they (she) decides to do if they don’t do both events, selfish assholes.

    Anyway, it’s hard listening to this crap but my goal is to keep my mouth shut and just let karma slam them whenever it decides to show up.

    #667225 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    The bright side of her going to Vegas would be that the kids are with the grandparents for a few days which has to be a huge improvement for their lives during those days.

    #667226 Reply
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    Waverly

    Sky blossom,

    Absolutely. I’ve also told my fiance that I want to start taking the older one out again. Now that the holidays are over, we will be able to go out with us. He asks to go with us every time he sees us, and now I see how important it is to get him out and doing things.

    When the toddler is older, we will take him too, it’s tough juggling the car seats

    #667227 Reply
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    Kate

    Ok, you’re getting super invested in this again… try to breathe and stop paying attention to what they’re doing.

    #667228 Reply
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    Waverly

    Kate,

    Like I said, it’s all that’s ever talked about. Every discussion strays back to them. Every. Single. One. All of that snow suit and Vegas talk happened in a half an hour, because he was only there for half an hour. It started by me talking about my daughter.

    I know it sounds like I’m all wrapped up in it but that all happened within that half hour.

    Usually when it strays back to them, it’s over for you. Whatever you were talking about is done and you don’t get a word in ever.

    Anyway, short from getting up and walking away from the table, I’m not sure how to stop that. Changing the conversation does nothing.

    However, I haven’t been stewing about this, at all. Yeah I was irritated listening to his excuses but it didn’t bother me after he left or at all after, so that’s still an improvement for me.

    #667229 Reply
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    Waverly

    The plus side is after he left, we had a nice visit lol

    #667234 Reply
    Nookie
    Nookie
    Participant

    I’m glad that you’re not as bothered about them as previously but Kate’s right, you’ve got to stop keeping a mental catalogue of all their misdemeanors.. Just concentrate on the nice visit you had after they left!

    #667236 Reply
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    Waverly

    Nookie,

    I will, I appreciate all of the advice, it honestly did me a world of good!

    I’m working on focusing on myself and our little family, and it’s time to start putting details together for our October wedding! Very exciting times ahead.

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