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“We Lack Passion and Chemistry”

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This topic contains 26 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by avatar Essie 2 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 27 total)
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  • #668200 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    It’s not just normal sliding if it happens after a handful of months and is this pronounced. Either he’s got something wrong that needs to be treated or, more likely, those initial feelings were a false positive and this is real life.

    #668202 Reply
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    Fyodor

    None of this answers any of anyone’s questions. You say that you had “overwhelming sense that this was “the one” ” and an “intense initial connection” but not your “connection” has “fizzled.”

    Unless you can articulate what the actual problems you’re having are, if not to us, then to yourself and your boyfriend, you’re not going to be able to figure anything out. It’s basically “numinous forces were drawing us together” but “now those numinous forces have gone away.”

    If you don’t want to date him because he’s having money troubles and is fat, that’s fine-it doesn’t make you a bad person. But you have to figure out what you want and what’s going on, rather than blaming it on mysterious attractive forces outside your control.

    #668203 Reply
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    Fyodor

    that should be “*now* your ‘connection’ has ‘fizzled'”

    #668215 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    Your description of your chemistry is a slightly different definition that what I (and maybe others) are referring to. You’re describing chemistry in a general person-to-person sense, as in you have a lot in common, connect, etc. These are all things you can have with someone in a non-romantic sense. The question is if you have sexual chemistry. As in, feeling sexual attraction. Some of the things you mentioned sound like circumstantial issues. Is it that you are attracted and the sex is bad? Or are you just not attracted?

    Regardless, I think it’s important to put this in context and not blow it out of proportion. Yes, it’s unfortunate to meet someone who has qualities that are good but who you don’t have chemistry with. But you’re only giving examples of two guys. It’s not karma or anything like that. As others have said, maybe you were overcompensating (I did this too — dating some guys who were not super mature, then dating one who was stable but boring and I wasn’t attracted to simply because he was mature), but maybe it’s also just luck of the draw. Tons of people date folks who have one thing they want and not the other, in any combination of variables, and it’s just how dating works. So, if you determine that he’s not for you, it’s fine. Just look for someone who has both.

    #668277 Reply
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    Fulfilled

    @fyodor Many people have understood what the issue is that I’m referring to and have provided helpful insight. I’m sorry but I really don’t have the time to articulate it differently just to you. It’s very much not an issue of I think he’s fat and has money troubles. He might think these things, and that affects his own confidence. It seems you’re oversimplifying a more complex issue. But I appreciate you trying to help.

    The difficult part is that we do have great chemistry overall, and have had great sexual chemistry in the past. So yes, the issue is that it seems to have fizzled out sexually pretty early on. I’ve had that issue in my previous relationship with lulls here and there but often when we would argue, we would have intense make up sex and feel closer afterwards. My current relationship we never argue, and if we do he listens to me and respectfully resolves it. This is exactly what a mature relationship should have and is what I am looking for. But I sometimes worry if I got used to the intensity of fighting + resolution (my mom is also abusive so I almost am too used to conflict.)

    Maybe it is just “too safe”… But that would be quite unfortunate to touch on all these levels of compatibility, genuinely enjoy our relationship and yet still have some doubt of late that we aren’t connecting as we used to. Realistically, relationships can fluctuate, as people do. Since I went through so much in my last relationship, dumping someone for an issue like “we’re having a lull sexually and I don’t feel as connected lately” seems slightly petty if the issue can be worked out/improved.

    I guess I find it difficult to throw away something great to look for perfect, especially when I grew so accustomed to “fair” in my last relationship.

    #668285 Reply
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    Kate

    When you say “I’ve had that issue in my previous relationships,” do you mean the sex going away really soon? I don’t think that’s what you meant but wanted to make sure.

    After just a few months, it’s really really not typical for the sex to fizzle. It’s a bad sign, and indicative of a problem. Now, whether that problem is his confidence or something completely different that you haven’t thought of, you won’t figure it out without talking to him (and, unfortunately, maybe not even then. He may not know, be able to articulate, or want to discuss what’s wrong because it’s embarrassing or potentially hurtful to you).

    But since you’re not willing to walk away from this (yet), I think you need to talk to him. At a time when you’re not in bed. Maybe taking a walk. Maybe sitting side by side on the couch. Dressed. Not right before or after sex.

    You would probably want to start with how happy you are overall, how well you think it’s working, that you see a future, you love him, etc. And then segue into, there’s something I’ve been thinking about… we don’t have sex as much as we used to. Has he noticed that? What’s he think? Talk about it. Listen to him. Ask him about the difficulty climaxing. Is he worried or stressed about something? Is this something he’s always experienced? If so has he sought help for it? How could you help? Would he be willing to address this with a doctor or therapist? You are really attracted to him and would love to have more sex with him. What does he think?

    I promise you, it will not get better on its own. Try talking, and give it another 3 months to see how or if it may improve.

    #668286 Reply
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    Kate

    By the way, it is possible he’s over-using some kind of porn or webcam thing, which could account for the difficulties.

    #668288 Reply
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    Kate

    Or, re-reading your posts, maybe it’s not really that you’ve stopped having sex, but you frame it more that you feel like that romantic connection or spark is going away and you want to see how he’s feeling about it.

    I will say…

    “We did have sparks in the beginning, and he would do romantic/spontaneous things all the time but things have just fizzled to a complete halt in that regard.”

    That’s not too good. Unless he’s actually depressed or something, when a guy stops doing that stuff, it indicates either he’s not so into the relationship anymore, or that that spontaneous romantic stuff is his MO in the beginning but then he doesn’t keep doing it.

    Either way, it’s a problem for you and you should talk.

    #668291 Reply
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    Museum_Nerd

    Do you love him? If you love him and he’s “the one” and you can’t imagine life without him, then working through these issues is worth it and can be a normal part of a relationship. My husband went through a period of depression and it was difficult, for him personally and for our relationship. But it’s worth the added work when you know he’s you’re person. It doesn’t really sound like he’s your person. Or maybe you haven’t figured that out yet. But when there are less surprises and less flowers and less special dates, there needs to be that foundation.

    Real love and real (healthy) relationships aren’t a giant swing between “I hate you” and “I love you”. And if you’re missing that kind of roller coaster excitement then that’s something to work on with yourself/therapist. And without the roller coaster emotions or the super intense lust and excitement of a new relationship you’re not feeling as loved, excited, or fulfilled. Which is what you need to figure out and work on. What do you need? What makes you feel loved and happy? And what is exciting, positive, but also sustainable? Real love is exciting over the long-term, even though that excitement may look and feel different at different times.

    #668294 Reply
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    Anonymousse

    Chemistry is not the compatibility list of things you look for. Chemistry is an emotional connection, “we click.”
    If most things regarding romance fizzled and died four months in, I think you can put a lot of that up to it being the first four months-everyone is being their best “you.” Now, you are with the real him. For better or worse this is who he is.

    #668295 Reply
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    Kate

    Yeah, that’s what it sounds like, there was a lot of excitement on both sides early on, regarding the feeling of a “click” and the potential relationship, but it wasn’t sustained. That happens.

    #668296 Reply
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    Anonymousse

    Also, Fulfilled, I know exactly what you mean about missing the over emotional “passion” that fueled so many of your arguments and fights and make up sex with your recent ex, and as consuming and passionate as that feels, it isn’t a sign of a healthy, sustainable relationship. I had similiar experiences watching my parents fight, (and that’s a story for another day) but I too thought that’s what real passion was like, and it’s not. A therapist can help you work on that.

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