Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“We’re Both Unemployed And Live With his Parents”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “We’re Both Unemployed And Live With his Parents”

This topic contains 9 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by avatar LauraK 1 month ago.

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  • #682782 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    From a LW:

    Hello Wendy! First of all thank you for receiving my mail and for your time. Long story make short. I came from Argentina to the US I left everybody and came by myself working as au pair. My husband and I meet through social media while I was in my home country and both became friends and start to have stronger feelings for each other. When I came here he already told me that he love me and I love his as well. We meet between 2 weeks from when I arrived and start dating. I was living and working in Philadelphia and he was living in Michigan. He traveled every month to visit me and I did too a couple times. He was living in his parents house like his all life he never move out or live outside Michigan. Me on the other said lived in different places and very independent. We got married after almost a year of relationship and both love each other really really much. The problem is that I had to move here with him and his parents (don’t get me wrong I love them) but in their house and we planned to move out but he is still unemployed and as I don’t have my green card already it’s in process I don’t have a work permit so I’m unemployed too. He on the other hand is having a hard time to find something other than pizza places. So I’m living here since almost 4 months already without almost progress. I started to feel very depressed in here, I came in January and it’s way too cold in here and I’m used to big cities and we lived in Metro Detroit and it’s pretty quiet and boring for me. I started to feel depressed more and more, I don’t have a job, we don’t have a own place , don’t have friends or anything. I started to dislike a lot here and I miss Philadelphia so much. I told him but every time he gets mad at me. We both love cars and I like car scene in here but I don’t think it’s worth to loose my mind and happiness. I express all of this to him and he seems to not understand or simply gets mad or upset with me. I don’t know what to do I love him and I don’t wanna leave him but I don’t wanna live here either. What can I do? Thank you so much!!! I’ll appreciate your time and advise. Have a wonderful day!

    #682784 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy
    Keymaster

    It sounds like you rushed into marrying someone you didn’t know very well and hadn’t adequately made longterm plans with. You knew he lived with his parents and didn’t have a job. And you knew you wouldn’t have a job in Michigan. Did you discuss how you both would get work, how long you planned to live with his parents, and where you’d go next? Did you marry him before spending much time in Michigan? It sounds like you did. And it sounds like it was all a mistake. Honestly, if it were me, I’d be looking into annulment or divorce and finding work wherever I could.

    You gave up your job and livelihood to marry with zero ambition, who can’t provide for you and doesn’t seem to have much interest in doing so. It sounds like he’s probably happy living under his parents’ roof, and simply wanted a companion who would also either freeload along with him or support HIM. I don’t know how either of you expected that to happen without you having a work permit. I mean… what were you thinking?! Why did you marry someone without a job when you knew you wouldn’t be able to work for a while either?

    You seem to have these fantasies or expectations for how you want things, but they don’t align with reality. You live in a place you don’t like, you can’t support yourself, and you’re married to someone who doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to listen to your concerns, and can’t support you in the meantime. This isn’t really fixable. This is a bad match and you need to get out.

    #682800 Reply
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    Ron

    Yes, it would be nice if you could get a divorce and actually learn what love is before you marry somebody, but I suspect that loses your green card. I say this because you start your note declaring that you and your husband both loved each other before you even met. That isn’t love; that’s mutual desperation to have a significant other.

    #682802 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    Get a divorce and move on. You married a guy you barely knew–less than a year dating and monthly visits means you have spent very little time together still! These last four months are you actually getting to know him and it doesn’t sound like you’re excited about what you’re learning. You do not have the mutual respect or shared goals that are vital to a successful relationship. Are you really okay being with a man who mooches off his parents and allows his wife to do the same?? If pizza places are all that are hiring he should be working at at least two of them. The green card aspect is not something I understand so I’m going to withhold judgment. You should run before you get pregnant. Please use birth control. Imagine being stuck in Detroit with an infant living in his parents house while he still doesn’t have a job–that’s the future you’re looking at.

    #682803 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom

    I think you had some magical thinking. It was like a fairy tale where you met your prince charming over the internet and fell in love and you moved countries to be near him and the two of you got married and now the happily ever after isn’t there.

    You’re learning the hard way that internet love isn’t the same as knowing someone in real life. In real life you see things like how they get along with others and whether they can hold a job and whether they can be independent. You married someone you may have been in contact with for two years but barely knew.

    Your options are to hang in there until you have your green card or accept things as they are now knowing they won’t change or go back to Argentina.

    I see a brother and sister almost every day who live in complete poverty. They lived with their parents and never had self=supporting jobs. That worked until both parents had died and there were no retirement checks coming into the household. They live in a house that is falling down from lack of repair, get their food from the food bank and beg money to heat the house a little bit in the winter. They wear the same dirty clothes day after day because they can’t afford clothes. I’d think hard and long about whether I wanted to remain attached to someone whose future looks a lot like this brother and sister. Do you want to always support him? Did he marry you just to have someone to financially support him?

    It sounds like you are married to a man you don’t respect and he probably doesn’t respect you either. Lack of mutual respect will turn into anger and then contempt and then there will be no love between the two of you. You’re finding out the hard way that love isn’t enough to make a marriage successful.

    #682871 Reply
    avatar
    Rose

    Your husband sounds pretty lazy. I grew up in metro Detroit but moved away a few years ago. I can confirm that the job market is pretty tough. Even still, I always managed to find something that wasn’t a pizza place, even if it didn’t pay much more than one. Rent there is also cheap as heck compared to Chicago, where I live now, so you guys should be able to find something if you look in a less nice but still passable area.

    Still, most people I know/grew up with in metro Detroit live with their parents until their mid to late twenties. It’s not uncommon at all. I don’t know why, it just seems to be a cultural thing. I was the only person I knew to have my own place at 19.

    Perhaps you can talk about moving/getting your own place once you get your green card sorted out and you can get a job. At the very least, you can save up to move somewhere nicer like Ann Arbor.

    #682921 Reply
    avatar
    Ruby Thursday

    LW, I am unclear as to why you could work as an au pair in Philadelphia, but do not have a work permit in Michigan. Have you attempted to find a different family to work for until you or your husband are able to find other employment?

    #682942 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    @ruby Her visa probably allowed her to work for one year and then she would be expected to go back home. So she got married to stay with her boyfriend/husband.

    #682976 Reply
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    LauraK

    Skyblossom is right. An au pair visa is very specific, both in duration and job allowed. Once that year and that job is over, the au pair is supposed to return home. My sister has had 2 au pairs, and I believe they had to leave after a year even if my sister would have liked to extend the job longer.

    #682975 Reply
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    LauraK

    Skyblossom is right. An au pair visa is very specific, both in duration and job allowed. Once that year and that job is over, the au pair is supposed to return home. My sister has had 2 au pairs, and I believe they had to leave after a year even if my sister would have liked to extend the job longer.

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