Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“We’re Married, But Live Like Roommates”

Home Forums Get Advice, Give Advice “We’re Married, But Live Like Roommates”

This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Skyblossom Skyblossom 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #693765 Reply
    Dear Wendy
    Dear Wendy

    From a LW:

    We hv been married for almost 6 yrs. Husband refuses to have any kind of physical contact. He gets very angry and starts a fight if i try to be intimate in any way. There has been no sex at all in the last 2 years. Initially when we used to have sex it was always only if i initiated it. Now i have simply given up.
    This is my 2nd marriage & i m trying to make it work somehow but cannot handle this room mates like situation any more.
    I hv tried- asking talking fighting taunting discussing and everything else but nothing at all worked. He refuses to admit or address this situation let alone try to fix it. He is obese+ chainsmoker and has lots of health problems which he didn’t disclose when we got married. He has refused to exercise diet quit smoking or attend any kind of counselling.
    Im getting increasingly frustrated & hopeless by the day

    Please please help me

    #693767 Reply

    DIVORCE HIM. I’m sorry & understand that this is your second marriage & you want it to work, but I think the reality about people is that you can’t change someone else.( Yes, they can change themselves, but it has to come from themselves wanting to.) The person you meet and get to know is unchanging. They are what they are. So if they didn’t like sex after the 6 month honeymoon period, well they’re not interested in sex or getting healthy or…

    #693768 Reply

    Divorce is your best option here, I’m sorry.

    #693769 Reply

    He has demonstrated that he doesn’t give a crap. He isn’t going to change and with all his health problems, it is inevitable that you will end up both supporting him and nursing him. That’s a huge commitment to a roommate who hid the truth from you to trap you into marriage. I doubt he wanted a true marriage. He well knows what his future needs will be. MOA

    #693770 Reply

    How do you “make a marriage work” when only one person wants it to work? It’s impossible.

    Do you think there are magic words that you can say that will make him have a complete personality change? Turn him into a different person? He doesn’t care about his health, his marriage or you. There’s nothing you can do or say to change that.

    Leave, today, and get on with your life.

    #693795 Reply

    Divorce. You can’t marry someone who doesn’t show interest in sex and expect them to suddenly become interested in it. I get there are some things you feel he hid from you (but obese chainsmoker with bad health habits presumably would have health problems), but you knew who he was, to an extent when you married him. He’s going to remain that person. You, on the other hand, can choose to be done.

    #693911 Reply

    it won’t let me log in properly, but had to respond.

    I was in a marriage almost exactly like this. Move on. You can’t change him, and if he’s not willing to work on it, you need to move on so you can find a happy life for yourself. it does not get better if both people aren’t willing to work on it. you can’t do it by yourself.

    #693945 Reply

    This marriage is already over except legally. There is no point in trying to save it because it is done.

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