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When will i want to settle down

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This topic contains 31 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by avatar dinoceros 5 days ago.

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  • #716993 Reply
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    Confused

    Just asking for some guidance, I’m 28 years old and I also struggle with extreme over thinking. I just wanted to hear some opinions of this forum,

    I enjoy my single life, I enjoy being able to do what I want. I spend a majority of my weekends at the bars or going on trips. I have a good job and no kids and am just really enjoying life right now. The only issue is my conscience makes me feel guilty and feeling like people look down on me because I’m doing these things instead of the whole marriage thing right now. Every time I meet a girl I never let it get too serious because frankly I’m not ready to give up all my freedom yet and being able to do what I want.

    I guess my question is should I feel guilty about not wanting to be settled down yet? Also do these priorities usually change when you meet the right girl or will i keep keeping things casual in favor of the single life? Thank you in advance.

    #717000 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    There is no reason to feel guilty for enjoying your life. If you don’t want to be married yet you would make a terrible husband and that reason alone is a good reason to wait. There is no reason you ever need to get married.

    I think if you meet the right person you won’t feel like you are giving up anything and definitely won’t feel like you are losing your freedom. With the right person life feels better, more fun, more exciting, more rewarding. You will know the difference if and when it happens.

    #717001 Reply
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    Ange

    Nah I wouldn’t worry. If you’re enjoying life then why WOULD you change it? There is a huge societal pressure to find ‘the one’ and settle down and have kids but don’t let that make your decisions for you. We only get one go at life so there’s no point doing it by someone else’s standards.

    I can’t predict whether you’ll change as you get older, you might or you might not and that’s ok. Always keep good friends in your life and save for your future in case it all comes down to you. Treat the girls you’re dating now respectfully and let them know straight up that you’re not ready for anything serious and you’ll be learning good relationship skills to take with you if you meet someone special. Just be a good person basically, that will always serve you well for whatever future you land in.

    #717012 Reply
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    Janelle

    I just turned 35 and have never wanted to be in a relationship less. I just want to do what I want and enjoy. Now this could be because I was in a 10 year relationship but who knows. Settle down when you feel you want to. If you don’t want to, then don’t. There is no perfect formula to life. I do suspect though that you will feel much more inclined to settle down once you meet the right person.

    #717013 Reply
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    Essie
    Participant

    Not everybody “settles down” – gets married and has kids. That’s not a thing like buying a car or getting a job that you check off a list. And it’s definitely not something you do because your friends are doing it and you want to fit in, or you’re afraid people are looking down on you.

    Life takes all kinds of shapes. Some people marry, but never have kids. Some people have kids but don’t marry. Some people stay happily single all their lives, or have a series of monogamous partners.

    If you do marry, it should be because you’re in a relationship with a woman that you cannot imagine NOT waking up next to for the rest of your life. Because you both feel so right together that you MUST be together. If you haven’t met a woman who makes you feel that way, and you have no urge to be in a serious relationship, then marriage shouldn’t be on your mind. The single quickest road to unhappiness is to seek out marriage because “society” says you should be married. That’s how people end up settling for a person who’s not right for them. You will quickly be unhappy, and then you will be divorced.

    Live your life in a way that makes you feel content. If someone wanders into your life that makes you want to share your life with them, then do. In whatever way works for the two of you. Maybe it’s partners living in separate homes, maybe it’s partners living together, maybe it’s as husband and wife. There’s no one way to live that’s right for everyone.

    #717017 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    Ookay – so, “your conscience makes you feel guilty that you’re not settled down, ” or is it “that you feel like people are looking down at you for going to bars every weekend and going on trips?” Which one is it? For someone who overthinks things, this seems awfully vague and fuzzy. WHY does your conscience say this? Who influenced your conscience? Are you getting pressure from your family; is this what you were raised and nagged to do? Why would anyone be looking down at you; has anyone said something? If no one has said anything, then this is a projection of your own mind. Again, why?

    The fact that you see marriage or getting serious about a partner as “giving up your freedoms ” is rank bullshit. A relationship is what two people define it as, and it is not “limiting” unless you’re playing with paper dolls. You sound like you’re bullshitting yourself, and that’s why you feel guilty.

    I recommend a counselor, and one who will really challenge you on your shit. You are smart enough to bullshit your way past the unwise.

    #717021 Reply
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    Ron

    As long as you are upfront with the women you date and don’t lead them to believe that you are looking to settle down, then it is perfectly fine to be single and relatively unattached as long as that lifestyle satisfies you, Not having kids or a wife should not be a source of guilt. It’s your life. People are entering first marriages at a later age than in recent memory, so even if you end up going the marriage/kids route you really are not unusually old to still be single. I don’t think it is a question of not having met the right woman. There is such a thing as right match at the wrong time. As you describe the situation, the key point is where you see yourself wanting to be in life now and you not being ready to be settled — nothing to do with the particular women you’ve been meeting. I think you could meet the perfect woman for you tomorrow and you still wouldn’t want to settle down with her.

    #717045 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    As long as you are honest with any women you date – do what is best for you. I have a friend in his 40’s who is up front and honest with the women he dates, but they still think they can change him. They won’t. So don’t be that guy that says to a woman “Well, I’m not ready to settle down but maybe you could be the one!” because that is just cruel.

    At 28, you’re in the marriage years. These are followed by the baby years and the divorce years. Friends who nag you to “find the right woman” will be jealous that you aren’t covered in baby vomit, get 8 hours of sleep a night and don’t play Rafi tunes in the car. The divorce years, well, that’s a whole other set of issues.

    #717072 Reply
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    Northern Star

    I’m married, and I spend the majority of my weekends (and plenty of weeknights) at concerts or at bars or going on trips. My life is better because I’ve got a go-to partner in crime for any random activity I dream up. Finding someone compatible to share your life isn’t The Death of Freedom.

    Just sayin’.

    #717073 Reply
    courtney89
    courtney89
    Participant

    I’ve been thinking about this alot too, where people look at me at 28 going out and going on trips and are like are you going to settle down? I have a good job, i enjoy my life and i do want to settle down eventually but i’m not there yet! Its become more magnified since my brother has gotten married and had a kid and its when are you and your sister going to do that and both of us are like . . . . .

    (PSA, not saying that married couples / parents don’t go out and have fun and all that too!)

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 4 hours ago by courtney89 courtney89.
    • This reply was modified 5 days, 4 hours ago by courtney89 courtney89.
    #717075 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    When people are pushing you to do things like get married and have babies they are doing that for their own selfish reasons. They should want you to get married if and when you are ready. They should only want you to get married when you are in a strong, healthy relationship. They should only want you to have children if you want them. People need to back off and be happy that you are happy.

    #717077 Reply
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    Leslie Joan

    It’s really interesting to read these comments. Nowhere has the LW said that people are actually bugging him about his status. He just wrote that he “feels like” people are looking down at him for his status. If I feel like you’re looking at me strangely and judging me for my choices, why is it automatically assumed that you’re looking and judging, and not that I might be projecting for my own reasons?

    I think the problem isn’t that anyone is judging or saying anything. I think the problem is entirely a result of a conflict in LW’S own head – and also the product of an unhealthy imagining of how restricted one is with a serious partner. The whole notion that all serious relationships must involve some stifling level of restriction and confinement is absurd. There are couples who live long distance; there are couples who live in separate houses, there are couples who choose not to have dependents, there are couples who have open relationships: there is a whole kaleidoscope of possibilities that don’t need to restrict someone from being serious about a partner, UNLESS he has conflicted or immature expectations that he hasn’t examined. This is why I recommended counseling.

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