Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Why can't he see what I do?

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar Hannanas 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #722633 Reply
    Not a country girl

    This place is TOXIC. And I see so many easy ways to fix it all… But my husband won’t act and I’m confused and hurt…

    I moved here about a year ago, married my husband, he has two kids and an ex-wife, who was his high school sweetheart… So naturally we live in this same small town that they grew up in together, where they have SOOO much history, all of his family is here, all of her family is here, meanwhile mine is 2500 miles away and clear across the country, along with all my friends… At first I thought, no big deal! I’ve never struggled making friends, never really had an issue socializing and finding people, so this would be easy. It’s not. The ex is a distater, she’s falsely gosipped about me to nearly everyone in town to the point people won’t even talk to me, anyone she hasn’t done that too… is friends with her parents, throwing me on the outside. I can’t make friends. To top it off, all my dreams aren’t here, both career paths I qualify for take us away from here… So I’m working a low-paying job, that I honestly don’t enjoy and without any chance of growth.

    Her parents have sent him nasty texts and have shown up t the house yelling at us before… For lies the ex fed, the ex ditches the kids with us for months at a time, refuses to finanialy fund anything for them, and puts them in crappy situations when she does have them… Yet he won’t go for custody. I’m confused, she only hurts them and we could go somewhere better. My husband is in school, so I’m financially trying to support everything, and it’s stressful, plus puts us on the floor in his parents living room, I hate the lack of privacy with my own husband. The majority of my stuff is in storage, as there’s no space for it.

    My husband jumps whenever the ex’s family says to, even though it’s all actually rather rude how they go about iy, then insists to me they’re family, but won’t play nice with my family the very few times I actually get to see them.

    His mom meddles and thinks she knows best. My husband got in a car accident and I asked if she would please watch the kids cuz I need to go be with him. She stormed out and left me with them insisting I need to be a “mother” and that she’s his mother which trumps me… Yet the ex asks her for anything and she gives in and takes complete pity… The ex has recently gone around friendin all of what’s supposed to be my family on Facebook. AND tbh it makes me fee sothered and invaded… Her fiend showed up at y work this last week, played dumb, but considering we don’t service private people, I felt spied on.

    We went to clean out storage yesterday, I firmly told him I don’t want any of his ex’s stuff to hang around and that anything that was their household, isn’t ours so that needs Togo too… He got mad and told me I’m just being too emotional, and if we can use it we should be using it, I disagree, I feel it’s our household and we should be allowed to form it ourselves.

    He told me last night he doesn’t go for custody cuz he doesn’t see how the neglect and abandonment is actually affecting the kids so the ex should just be able to come in when she wants, and he also told me he doesn’t want to move away from here, because this is where his family is… but mine isn’t here and I feel beyond smothered by the ex here… I can’t make friends or get a real job, and the ex flits in and out, lying to the kids, then vanishing with a string of “she’s not even a parent” or “she’s the one keeping us apart” while I’m sitting here raising the kids and trying so hard to financially support a family that doesn’t show much help back…

    I love my husband… I am just so confused and wanna be comfortable in my own home and be able to make a few friends… I feel alone… I don’t know why he can’t see. Advice or help? Why is he doing this?

    #722634 Reply

    How much time was there between their divorce and when you started dating?

    #722636 Reply

    What exactly is it you love about your husband? What I just read was several paragraphs of how he has failed you and his children at every opportunity. Were i you I would run like my ass was on fire before a third kid winds up trapped in that hell hole.

    #722638 Reply

    Love alone isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. There has to be mutual respect, trust, and compromise. You should not feel stifled in a marriage.

    #722641 Reply

    Birth control needed ( long term ones like IUD or implant) until you make a decision to leave or if stay, then don’t bring a baby into this. No baby is ever a bandage or a relationship fixer.

    No, sorry but no matter the sunk costs in this marriage; it’s a massive waste of effort. Save yourself. Move on already. All this man really cares about is his own of level comfort. In no way (at all), has he stood up for you and he’s not even standing up for his own kids. He refuses to see the problems that occuring for his own flesh and blood, so what makes you think he’ll see or do anything about your efforts to stressfully keep him etc?! He’s got a donkey (you) who works its self to death for a few scraps of attention. Why change anything that works so well for him? This is who he is. Change isn’t happening. So:
    Run! Don’t walk away. RUN.

    #722644 Reply

    Why can’t you see how little this guy is willing to offer and how bad this marriage is for you. MOA. In answer to your question: he can see how bad this is for you. He just doesn’t give a crap. You come after his family and after his ex’s family, and if allowing them to spread lies about you is the price to stay in their good graces, then he is willing to accept the lies. This is his small town and he care about its residence more than he cares about you. He won’t make a change. If you want a change, you are going to have to flee. You can give him the option of following you, but he won’t do it. Just MOA and don’t look back.

    #722651 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    Yikes. I have a hard time seeing how you and your husband got together to begin with. What you’ve described sounds like hell on earth. I can’t see anything positive in this situation for you at all. Not socially, not economically, not now or in the future. Save yourself. You can’t save him or anyone else here.

    #722652 Reply

    I think you’re asking how to make your husband be a better person and make your life with him more tolerable. But I don’t really see how that’s possible. This is who he is. You can’t make him suddenly care about his kids or empathize with your situation or make his family treat you better. If he cared about that, he’d already be doing it and you wouldn’t be in this position. But he doesn’t, and no amount of pleading with him is going to make him care about that stuff. The only way your life is going to get better is without him in it.

    #722653 Reply

    LW,I’m not being critical, because I’m sorry you’re in such a lousy situation. But essentially, what you’re asking is “How do I make my husband have a complete personality change?” You want him to change into a guy who stands up for you, his wife, when his family criticizes you. You want him to change into a guy who fights for his kids when they’re not treated well. He’s not doing either of those things because he doesn’t want to. He’s not that person.

    I agree with everyone else, it’s not that you can’t make him see. Of course he sees. He just doesn’t want to do anything about it. If you want to frame that as him not caring enough about you or the kids, well, that’s up to you. I’d have a hard time NOT seeing it that way.

    It’s not wrong to hope someone will rise to the occasion and become a better person. It just depends how many years of your life you want to spend hoping he’ll magically change into the man you want him to be.

    #722656 Reply
    Leslie Joan

    It’s more than the husband. It’s the entire area. He’s not going to leave his kids, and LW has no future and no life other than her husband. It’s untenable.

    #722658 Reply
    Boo Berry Waffles

    How recent is this divorce? If this is a very new thing and this is as small a town as you’re describing chances are you’re seen as a home wrecking harlot by the townsfolk and the ex is the put upon victim who has to suffer your presence. That might not be reality, but the truth means little against public perceptions, and that’s what you’re up against.

    I’ve got to wonder how much research you put into things before you moved to his hometown. Did you guys cohabitate before movingg forward with the marriage? Did you have much interaction with the kids prior to any of this?

    It definitely feels like there’s some gaps in information on this one, but I want to echo both the IUD suggestion as well as the idea of not falling for sunk cost fallacy. Get out of this mess before you drag another kid into this and damage your employment record with less than up to par positions.

    The good news is mistakes like this are easy to fix when there’s no kids on your end. It’s just a matter of paperwork. Be more cautious with the people you get this deeply involved with going forward.

    #722686 Reply
    Northern Star

    I think it was very foolish of you to move and marry this guy without having a custody agreement in place, a discussion about the ex, a place to live, a job, or even a basic understanding of how he lives his life.

    The only solution I see is to divorce him and leave. I don’t know you met in the first place (online?), but you clearly didn’t know a thing about your husband before agreeing to spend your life with him. It was a big mistake.

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