Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Why me vs. other girls?

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by avatar NS 6 months ago.

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  • #689554 Reply

    I’m feeling a bit bummed today because a guy that I was talking to from online and met up with a few times told me he started officially seeing someone else. It wasn’t a major blow (we hadn’t even kissed yet) but still stinks because he seemed like a genuinely good dude. But it brought up an issue I’ve struggled with internally for awhile. I’m smart, cute, funny, etc. but I also have a disability that requires use of a wheelchair and a lot of assistance from people. It makes me wonder… why would a guy pick me? There are lots of smart, cute, funny, etc. girls out there that don’t have the additional baggage of a disability, so won’t they win every time?

    I’m usually pretty confident and my disability isn’t something on my mind on a day-to-day basis, but it bubbles up in times like this when I’m not the one picked. I’m starting to feel like Charlotte from Sex and the City when she says, “I’ve been dating since I was 15; where is he?!”

    I know everyone deals with rejection but it’s disheartening when you feel like you have to start back at zero and find a guy you ALSO think is smart, cute, funny AND willing to take on that extra layer of being with a girl with a disability. Because not all of them are!

    Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!

    #689555 Reply

    Because none of those other girls are you. The guy who chooses you doesn’t choose you only for one thing, he wants all the facets that make up everything about you.
    Finding real love isn’t easy, especially with apps and sites and everything now.

    #689557 Reply

    I totally understand why you may feel this is more about your disability than anything else but let me tell you, it isn’t. I have had the same feelings MANY times. Men like to date me then marry the next one! That feels good. It will be you when you find “HIM”. I can assure you of that. 🙂

    Now, that doesn’t solve the feeling, regardless of baggage, of, why not me? That is something we all struggle to figure out.

    #689560 Reply

    True. It only takes one! And with online dating, it’s tricky because while on one hand it’s helpful because it gives lots of options, that’s also a detriment sometime. I get a lot of messages but it’s easy for a guy to just keep moving on pass me but I’m guilty of the same. I’m sure there were many great guys that I ignored because of something minor on their profile I didn’t like. I know it’s not just about a disability but I just feel like sometimes my pool is smaller and then finding someone I’m into as well, can be tricky.

    #689561 Reply

    There’s a lot of noise right now. I had the good luck of never having used an app, so I would recommend keeping your eyes open IRL, as well. Chemistry is hard to ignore.

    #689577 Reply

    Yeah, I’ve had that same feeling many times. If you went on a few dates, I think it’s safe to say that your disability didn’t bother him and wasn’t the reason he decided to commit to someone else. I can understand why you’d feel like it is, but realistically you wouldn’t have gone on more than one date if he’d genuinely felt like it was a major issue. Like anonymousse said, it’s a multi-faceted thing.

    This came up in a conversation with a friend of mine recently, but I think most people have baggage of some kind that would send the wrong person running for the hills almost immediately. For example, someone I’ve been texting me with told me he’s a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for almost five years. I can understand why he’d want me to know up-front and don’t doubt it’s scared off at least a few prospective dates.

    I hope this doesn’t sound like I’m minimizing your feelings or experience, but I really do think everyone has baggage. We all have to weed through the duds, the mediocre first dates, and the guys who stick around just long enough to get our hopes up to find the right fit. It’s frustrating. Join the epic dating thread to commiserate. 😉

    #689578 Reply

    @nutella I completely understand your frustrations and I’ve had those feelings too! If it’s any consolation, a very good friend of mine dated a man that was in a wheelchair for 9 years. Ultimately they parted ways but not because of his disability. To my friend, the wheelchair meant nothing. She loved him for everything, including the wheelchair. She’d only ever known him like that. For the right person, it won’t matter. And I don’t think this really mattered to that guy. He just wasn’t your person.

    #689581 Reply

    I don’t feel like you’re minimizing at all! I guess I’m just feeling mopey about having to weed out all those duds. 🙂 And I don’t think this guy had an issue with the chair. In fact, he seemed totally comfortable. And that’s why it stinks so much! He seemed to check off a lot of the boxes but it really didn’t get a chance to go anywhere.

    I’ll have to check out that thread!

    #689583 Reply

    Thanks @veritek33. I try to remember I’ve had some good relationships with guys who didn’t seem to care about the chair but sometimes it does take a reminder that there will be more out there.

    #689661 Reply

    My boyfriend of several years uses a chair and it was definitely never an issue for me. We were attracted to each other as soon as we met—my biggest fear during the first year of our relationship was that we had a ton of sexual chemistry but not enough in common. Sure, there have been some difficulties related to his disability we’ve dealt with along the way, but they were all very practical issues that needed navigating once we started planning our future, moved in together, etc.
    I think that probably some people are afraid to be with somebody with a disability because they don’t know what to expect or what you might need. But as long as you are confident about your own abilities, needs, and limitations, and aren’t afraid to communicate them, the right kind of people will just recognize that you have your shit together and when they need to know something either you’ll tell them or they will ask.
    Your disability might be your particular baggage, but it is not EXTRA baggage and I don’t think you should see it that way. Nobody would be sacrificing to be with you when he “could” be with an able-bodied girl. Accommodating your partner physically, mentally, whatever…that’s part of any healthy relationship.

    #689665 Reply

    It’s the same reason why anyone chooses one particular person over another. My friend has a chronic illness, and you could ask why her husband would marry her over some other woman who doesn’t have one. Because he liked this particular woman. I think it’s important to remind yourself that people aren’t just combinations of traits. Everyone is an individual. Just because you are friends with Mary who is smart, funny, and nice, doesn’t mean you’d automatically click and want to be friends with Sally, despite her also being smart, funny, and nice.

    Just look at some of the letters on this site where people won’t give up a jerkish, mean partner because they just have to have THAT particular person. In that regard it’s a negative thing, but there’s also the positive side that when you like a specific person, you like them for them, not for how convenient or easy you think the relationship will be.

    #689693 Reply

    @NS Thanks for your response. It’s kind of nice to hear it from the other perspective. The part where you said “Nobody would be sacrificing to be with you when he “could” be with an able-bodied girl.” is exactly what I needed to hear. 🙂 I get curious how other couples with one disabled person work some of the logistics. Some of my more serious relationships happened when I was a little younger and I was able to do more independently but things have progressively gotten harder as I’ve gotten older (in my 30s now). It’s like I’m always having to reevaluate and figure out how I’d need help from a partner, from dating to if things became more serious. How did you guys navigate it when you first got together? Has it changed over time?

    @dinoceros You make a good point about it being more than just a list of traits. I guess I just worry sometimes because I haven’t found him yet, since I’m in my early 30s, and if I ever will. But I suppose that’s what many single, 30-something year old women think about!

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