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Why would ex be so mean to me?

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This topic contains 39 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by avatar Kate 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #724826 Reply
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    Carol Evans
    Member

    I met a man at work who works as a manager in an office in another city in the US (I work abroad). We had a great one night together and really had a lot of chemistry, and then he had to go. For six months we kept in touch, though I knew that he had been divorced 3 times and had a bad record in terms of past trials for adultery and other things. He also has a major temper and anger management problem and when he doesn’t like something he blocked me and then apologized. His Facebook also says he is married but he swore to me it was not actualized and he was really divorced…he even introduced me to his kids when we talked on line. Most of his pictures were of him alone everywhere and for six months he was counting the days until he got here, telling me how much he wanted to be near me, how much he desired me, etc. He sent me his itinerary when he came on business and I waited for him at the airport, he even said he wanted to spend every night with me and made me pack up for nights we would spend together. When we met it was great, but he said he had not slept from excitement the whole night. The minute we got to the hotel we had sex and then he went to sleep and when we went to dinner his energy was off, he was antsy, nervous, constantly texting, saying he had a lot to do at the hotel. He was getting very nervous. So I did not spend the night. Then after that I told him it was unfair that he had made me make plans only to say he was “busy” when he knew he was coming for 6 months. He blatantly told me to f off for calling out his character and blocked me. I tried to reach out to calm him down and saw him at work. He got very intimidated because I was sitting in a room behind him going through an audit and wrote me an email saying why are you there? I am worried because at 2 am on my phone (on his screen he said it was 9 am and that I was crazy). I told him I am there because I work there and that his behavior was worrisome. He then sent multiple all caps texts “YOU are worried by MY behavior?” “LEAVE. ME. ALONE” and not to contact him etc. and threatening to expose our texts to HR. I have not heard from him since. WTF did I do wrong and what can I do now? Did he just use me for sex and I cannot stop crying since we broke up. This is a man who was divorced 3 times, lied about being divorced 2 times and has had, I found out after all the things problems with adultery and depression.

    #724829 Reply
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    Anny21

    This man sounds like a liar, a cheat, and very unstable… you should thank him for blocking you, and now block him and never speak to him again. We wear rose colored glasses sometimes because of connections, or chemistry- but look at this man’s past? You coulnd’t have expected any more than what his past was… it sounds suspicious, and it also sounds like he is probably still married despite his lack of pictures with the other woman and introduction via online to his children (which I also find odd). He sounds like a very unhealthy toxic individual. There is no explanation for his behavior other than that. You really need to wake up and realize that you didn’t do antyhing other than decide to try to trust someone who hasn’t shown much of a past of loyalty and honesty. He slept with you, got weird because he realized what he was doing and that you were probably catching feelings, so now he is trying to safeguard himself from discovery either by his wife, or another girlfriend. Block this guy and work on getting yourself into a better place, because there has to be some reason you felt like this was okay to involve yourself and trust a person like this. You deserve better treatement, and the proof that he is a toxic person lies in his cruel behavior and words towards you.

    #724830 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    You thank god you don’t work with this man directly and never, ever interact with him again unless you absolutely have to for work. He’s clearly a whack job who’s still married or has a serious girlfriend at home. You couldn’t sleep over because he had to FaceTime or Skype with her. This guy is a red flag convention. The fact that you’re so hung up on him after two nights and a shitload of drama is concerning. You need more in your life, focus on building yourself up and filling your time with positive things and people. You may want to consider some time with a therapist. It’s worrisome that your question is ‘what did I do wrong’ and not ‘how do I make sure this whacko doesn’t wreck my career’.

    #724834 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    Yup – he used you. He is a manipulative and awful person. You need to block him, avoid him and move on.

    He showed you exactly who he was while you were apart: 3 divorces, anger issues. You chose to ignore all of that. Try to learn from this.

    #724838 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    He’s married and seriously messed up. Don’t try to decode his behavior, just end this, cut off contact, block and delete, and maintain polite professionalism if you must encounter him at work. You’ve been willfully ignorant about what an awful person he is and that he’s married, but it’s time to see this clearly.

    #724844 Reply
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    Sarah

    It always amazes me when women find out early on that their significant other has been a liar and cheater with other women (huge red flag when its their wife/wives, yet jump through every hoop these men set out with no real rewards on their end, yes you got sex but no real intimacy and it doesn’t sound like you even got dinner and a movie. If a man treats/describes all of his other women/wives as terrible you will not be any different get out then. Your post could be the dating bible of red flags, every sentence is a red flag or 2 or 3. Before you date again figure out why you ignored so much and expected so little in return just to get sex. He was a terrible partner but he gave you all of the signs that he is a terrible person you just wanted a warm body because you didn’t have any standards when you picked this man. Make better choices it may take longer to find a good partner but they will be worth the time. If sex is that important find someone to just have sex with most men wont say no, or invest in toys to do it yourself.

    #724895 Reply
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    LisforLeslie

    @sarah – totally agree with you but you and I both know that manipulators gonna manipulate. They say things like ” Sure, I cheated on all of my wives, but the way I feel about you is so different because you’re so special.” and there’s the ding!ding!ding!: Some women want to be loved so badly that they’ll ignore the red flags because between all of those flags is someone saying all the right things.

    OP – his words said one thing. His behavior said something completely different. You should definitely talk to someone about why you believed what you heard over what you saw with your own eyes.

    #724919 Reply

    This dude is probably married.
    He was just in it to get sex, nothing more and nothing less.
    Unfortunately, you were caught up in the emotional giddiness of the situation and ignored the ocean of red flags slapping you in the face. Learn from this so next time, you don’t ignore the signs.

    FTR, for men like this introducing you to his kids means nothing. It’s just one more way to manipulate you into thinking that you are somehow different than all of the other women he’s sleaze-ing on. Trust me, his kids are used to meeting their Dad’s side chicks and not telling their Mom about side chick #4,554,233.

    #724929 Reply
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    Ale
    Member

    So, a thousand red flags flowing right in your face here. And you continued with the whole thing. For your sake, move on.

    #724946 Reply
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    Ron

    LW —
    An equally good question: why did you continue an affair with a guy you had every reason to know was married. Neither of you was an angel in this, so neither of you gets to play injured victim. He treated you ‘mean’, because he knew he could get away with it and he is that kind of person. He knew he could get away with it, because you also are that kind of person. You think you have some sort of ownership rights to another woman’s husband. You also chose, eyes wide open, a guy who was objectively awful and absolutely guaranteed to ‘use’ you. It’s not possible to use someone who goes forward with eyes wide open, despite a ton of signs warning what you are getting into. Willing participants in anything don’t get to play the victim card.

    #724957 Reply
    Skyblossom
    Skyblossom
    Participant

    “WTF did I do wrong and what can I do now?”

    What you did wrong was to ignore his appallingly bad character and what you do now is be much picker when choosing a partner. Say no to anyone who seems to be a liar, a cheat, a narcissist, or just manipulative. You don’t have to take any guy who shows interest in you. Learn to be discerning. Learn to look at their character. Learn to say no even if they are charming and say the right things when their background screams that they are a lying cheat.

    #724966 Reply
    TaraMonster
    TaraMonster
    Participant

    “I met this huge asshole who was obviously lying to me so I had sex with him at the very first opportunity and now I want to know why he is a huge asshole.” -Your letter, in summary.

    AIM HIGHER, FFS.

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