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Would you give a second chance at love (child involved)?

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar for_cutie 6 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #668168 Reply

    New here… thought I would try this forum in hopes for some good advice. Pretty sure I already know the answer but hearing validation or reasons against my thought process are what I could use right now. Keeping this short, I have a two year old daughter with a man I was with for almost 5 years. Unexpected pregnancy… he was excited, only to later resent that I caused his life to change so dramatically and lose all trust in me for not being more responsible and in turn changing his life. I was on antibiotics and although I’m old and smart enough to know to use back up I didnt because we weren’t together and we weren’t intimate often at this time when it happened. Stars aligned and it happened. Anyway, a fight ensued (something that was seemingly minor in which i hit a breaking point and basically gave the ultimatium of stop complainint or leave- he left).

    This was 8 months ago. He almost immediately began a new relationship, allegedly signed a year lease within the date of him leaving, has sough attention from women on international dating sites, and has a few exes he reconnected with in order to confess his love and get attention from them. He tried for these months to tell me he wasn’t giving up on his family and attemping to get us back, but I knew he was with another woman, and I knew nothing good would come of it so I continued to keep him at a distance. Well… I’m assuming something happened with the woman he was seeing because he is back in full force. Realinzing all of a sudden he will not let me go, and will not let his famliy go, he says all of his contact with women was because he was lonely since I had kept pushing him away emotionally, and that his relationship didn’t mean anything, that he has never given up on me or the family and to please find it in my heart to give him time to prove himself. He said he realizes this could take a long time, alot of work and a lifetime but it is worth it.

    To me? I can’t get passed how easily he moved on to another and sort of just left his daughter and I to figure this out on our own. Yeah, he made an effort to see her a couple hours a week or once a week, said how much he missed her, would be there if i had an emergency. But, his life desires and needs took presedence over his daughter there for a while while he was courting someone else. Coupled with that, the fact that he needed attention so badly from other woman that he went to international dating sites to secure attention. He claims it was because he knew they would go nowehere but he was so lonely, so it was his safest bet. Then confessing his love to an ex, just to get attention. How could I possibly ever get past these things? Of course now he dangles that dream and hope I had, he dangles the gentlemen and nice guy he once was. When I don’t comply to him, he reacts terribly and throws an tantrum because his ego is bruised and will say mean things like I never loved you, or we weren’t compatible anyway, or i will never stop foot in your house, requests gifts he had given me back, tells me I had way too much anxiety for him and that he feels so much happier now- when I bring up these dramatic fits he throws he tells me with tears that it was the only way to protect himself because of how strongly he felt about me, that he had to come up with some reason as to why he was taking such a dramatic stance and leaving me and his daughter, that he didn’t mean those words, and he admitted to saying certain things so that I would fear he would leave and see it wasn’t worth it.

    Like I said, I am here because he is back “better than ever,” I have been doing great and it feels like he can sense that. I let him go finally… but all of a sudden I’m seeing the man I had hoped to see 6 months ago, and lets just say OKAY he has changed- it feels too little too late, and that sort of breaks my heart. Could this just be a man (almost 40) who is just so emotionally immature and insecure that the dlightest brusise to his ego makes him say things he doesn’t mean and seek attention when he is feeling lonely? That he might finally wake up and realize there is something he needs to work on… or is this just the reality I need to realize and continue moving forward. This is actually probably more than a second chance, any argument or disagreement would send him running for the hills in the past, exclaiming- see this is why I cant be with you. Never since we had a child and became what I thought was more serious. Alwyas wondering or questioning me or our relationship. It was just easier for me to close the door when a child is involved, because I have to watch out for her now…. but at the same time it makes it more complicated.

    • This topic was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar anny21.
    #668169 Reply

    You know the answer. It’s “no.” He’s immature, unstable, can’t be alone, is not prepared to be a dad, and if you were to let him back in your life it would be an endless cycle of bullshit and not good for you or your daughter.

    Does anyone seriously use birth control anymore??

    PS, no, he hasn’t changed, he’s on “good behavior” right now. You need to learn this cycle. Men do this all the time.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar Kate.
    #668173 Reply

    Thanks Kate. Totally agree with you. I did use it and was usually so good about it, never had a pregnancy scare always on time. Actually was told I would need medical intervention when I was ready to come off the pill to become pregnant.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by avatar anny21.
    #668174 Reply

    Sorry I don’t know more about how many or what types of men do this, but I’ve experienced it myself and I see it on here all the time. It tends to happen in those relationships where one or both people have some emotional issues and there’s drama and they can’t get along, but there’s still this strong connection. You break up with the guy, and he goes away for a few days or weeks or even months, and then he comes back and is on his best behavior and buys you gifts maybe and makes a lot of promises… You’re like, wow, this is what I wanted from him all along! He finally gets it! He’s changed! And then bam, after you get back together you’re right back where you were before. I used to fall for it.

    #668175 Reply
    Northern Star

    I don’t know where you read that most men are immature, selfish, and desire-ruled, but that is a load of horse crap.

    Yes, you shouldn’t accept lousy behavior from a man you’re seeing. But that means you’re dealing with a lousy person—not a failure on your end to “groom him” properly or whatever you’re talking about there.

    Men aren’t do-it-yourself projects.

    #668176 Reply

    And please don’t fall into that trap of thinking it’s your responsibility to fix him or make him be a decent guy. He sounds, like I said, immature, kind of mean/blaming, and selfish. He walked away from his child and trying to make it work with you as a family. He craves female attention and appears to be back, like you said, because he’s found himself suddenly alone. You can’t fix these things. You can’t make a relationship work with someone who’s not a good fit or able to give you what you want and need.

    #668178 Reply

    I’d give a second chance if there was a child involved. I wouldn’t give a 5th though. I’d have chances 1 thru 4 to tell me everything I need to know.

    #668185 Reply

    Do not resuscitate this relationship. Get a lawyer, arrange for child support and visitation, and brace yourself because he’s probably going to be a huge pain in the ass about it. Take care of yourself, take care of your daughter and learn to recognize his behavior for what it is–manipulative bullshit. Aim much higher.

    #668186 Reply

    Is he paying child support? Is there a visitation schedule in place? This guy was a terrible person and partner, and there is no reason to think that will ever change. He blamed you for not being responsible and ruining his life with your pregnancy? Wtf? In case he didnt realize it takes two to tango, and he was just as responsible for that pregnancy as you were.

    If he isnt paying child support, time to talk to a lawyer and make that happen asap. Whether he wants to be a dad or not, or when in the future he changes his mind again about wanting her in his life, he has a responsibility to his daughter. As far as getting back together? No, absolutely not. It will only end in heartbreak for you and your daughter.

    #668188 Reply

    Wait, are you pregnant again by this man?

    #668189 Reply

    No, absolutely not, we have one child.

    #668192 Reply

    Taking him back means you’ve essentially told him that it’s ok if he leaves, sees other women but is really heartfelt when he wants to come back. He’ll do it again when he reaches his breaking point again. Might take a couple of years but it will happen.

    Don’t do it. Make sure you file for full custody then figure out a visitation schedule that gives the kid some semblance of a routine. This guy is not reliable and he needs to at least be somewhat involved if he’s not going to be a full time parent.

    You said yourself, you’re doing great. Don’t lose that.

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