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Dear Wendy

Would you give a second chance at love (child involved)?

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by avatar for_cutie 7 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 12 posts - 13 through 24 (of 28 total)
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  • #668193 Reply
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    Kate

    I doubt it would even take a couple of years. There’s a volatile history here. You were together less than 5 years, and at the time that you became pregnant, you weren’t together / not regularly intimate, which suggests there was a break or breakup of some period of time. Then, it’s not too long after the baby is born that he’s being a pain in your ass and complaining.

    A little after a year after the baby is born, he splits after some minor incident, and if I’m reading this correctly he signed a lease THAT DAY and immediately began a new relationship (this would suggest he may have had another woman waiting in the wings that he was seeing, and used some convenient excuse to break up with you and not have to be a family guy and dad).

    Then he continued seeing other women while paying lip service to trying to get back with you, and BLAMED YOU for his being with other women. Like you said, he left you all on your own to try to figure things out, and didn’t spend a whole lot of time with his daughter. Your instincts are correct, he’s lonely, he’s had some distance from the family situation and is trying to convince you, and himself, that it’s what he wants, but you have no reason to believe that. My guess, he’d go back to being his pain-in-the-ass, complaining self within just a few months or less.

    #668197 Reply
    juliecatharine
    Juliecatharine

    I’d give it two weeks tops. Any man who blames his partner for getting pregnant doesn’t have the emotional depth to keep up good behavior beyond a very surface level–living with his kid shit gets real very fast and he (clearly) can’t handle it.

    #668201 Reply
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    Ron

    The ex is not immature. Another five or ten years of life experience isn’t going to change him. A 22-year old can be immature. A 40-year old man is pretty much a finished product. His next major mental/emotional change will come with senility. He is selfish, he may be a bit of a sociopath, he may have a bit of mental health issues, but he does not suffer from immaturity, which some wise woman can educate him away from. He wanted you to be a trouble-free vagina and for your child not to be. I’m not at all sure he sees you or these other women as real people, rather than things he can use to ease his loneliness and make him feel less sad. He seems unable to connect on a human level and understand the interests, emotions, and needs of the real people he interacts with.

    Don’t go back. Your situation will not improve.

    #668216 Reply
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    dinoceros
    Member

    No way. He’s unstable, dishonest, and shirks responsibility.

    #668223 Reply
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    stillrunning

    “When I bring up these dramatic fits he throws he tells me with tears that it was the only way to protect himself because of how strongly he felt about me.”
    God, is that tired old excuse still around?

    He may think and say that he loves you, but he’s a manchild. Don’t let him come near you or your helpless child. Keep moving away from him or you’ll be caught in an unending black hole of his needs.

    #668267 Reply
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    anny21
    Member

    Thank you everyone for your insights, it means a lot.

    #668535 Reply
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    Peachyqueen

    You are being manipulated and lied to. He’s done it so many times and you still don’t see it. This man is doing what it takes, saying what needs to be said in order to get what he wants. He hasn’t changed one bit. What is it about him that draws you to him? Is it the drama? Does the drama he creates make you feel, for that short time, powerful, adored, important? Whatever it is, it isn’t real. It isn’t genuine. He doesn’t care one bit about you or his child. Because if he did, there would be no tantrum throwing when you tell him no. There would be more concern for your happiness and his child’s. THERE ISN’T ANY! Why would you want to live with someone who treats you as second choice? By allowing this man back into your life time again, when he continually shows you who he is, is now a reflection on you and your lack of value for yourself and your childs. You’re making excuses for him because what, you don’t want to be alone? Show your child what healthy self-esteem is by recognizing this guy for who he is, a selfish, tantrum throwing child and kick him to the curb! Then put yourself in the position to grow and value yourself and find someone who offers no drama, genuine concern for you. Someone who would never step away from his spouse or child because he genuinely values them.

    #668538 Reply
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    jmarie

    Hi LW, I feel for you, and good for you for wanting to take care of your daughter and yourself. That being said, I do not think this man is the right partner for you (and it could be that he lacks the skills to be in a relationship with anyone and that he does not have a good relationship with himself). Your letter was all about him, the crazy stuff he is doing–and he has done this stuff over time when the stakes: your daughter, her heart and life; you and your relationship with him. You and your daughter do not have to have a life bounded by his selfish and immature choices. You don’t. You can keep being strong, keep working on your relationship with yourself, e.g., making choices of which you can be proud; you can keep being a good mother to your daughter. I would also, as others have suggested, set up boundaries: child support and a visitation schedule. You deserve better than what he has shown you; the only way to get that better (which I believe you want as well as deserve) is to keep being strong in yourself, trusting your instincts and gut (as you say you already know the answer), by making good choices as a person and as a mother and by saying “no” to this relationship: you will then be free to find what you deserve. I personally believe and have found that God never closes a door without opening a better door. This faith helps me to make what otherwise me make might be scary choices; it helps me know and hold out for better: that which I want and deserve–what we all want and deserve. I think you know you deserve better. All prayers, strength and blessings to you!

    #668541 Reply
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    jmarie

    Oops. …when the stakes are high!

    #668606 Reply
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    anny21
    Member

    Thank you again to everyone. I do believe and agree with what everyone is saying, and I think the hardest part right now is facing myself and asking the questions you all are asking: why have I accepted this behavior, and why do I value myself so little? I have made a committment to stand by my decision the day he walked out the door without looking back, I see his maniuplative tactics for what they are, but being of sound mind it is hard to rationalize a persons behavior as just being immature and cruel rather than trying to justify them with some sort of trauma or “immaturity” that it really is. If that makes sense… it’s like finding a good reason for poor behavior, when you just have to accept the behavior is reflective of an emotionally damaged person. I spent almost 5 years with someone who at the beginning was amazing to me, and the good times, they were oh so good, they were effortless and full of love and passion, it wasn’t always ruled be selfishness and immaturity- so I tried to find reasons and justifications.

    Anyway, I came here to help see through the fog and it has heleped greatly, I appreciate the thoughts and guidance I have been given. I realize that there is a pattern in the parnters I chose, and I’m beginning to realize that until I fix or figure out why this has beenplaced in my life that I will keep making these mistakes. I feel like it all comes down to the fact that I haven’t loved myself enough or felt I knew what I deserved, and that is the lesson I am supposed to be learning right now. I am trying my best because I only want the best and strongest support for my daughter, I dont want her to expereinces what I have because of a lack of sense of self. I know it’s something I can fix, I also know it is going to be hard, it is hard admitting where you went wrong and figuring out how to re-work that self talk that has been actively working against you for 15+ years. Maybe I hoped to prove my value in seeing him change for me or put me first, and that in itself is the problem, I was looking for external things to bring myself up when I need to be looking inside.

    I am also in fear or how much harder it will be on myself and my daughter the second I start enforcing those boundaries with him. His tantrums can lead to harsh words said towards me, or has a way of hitting on the very insecurities or doubts/fears that I am trying to work through… when you are in the midst of recovering or working on yourself and you have someone spewing negativity it almost sets you back. I am not strong enough at the moment to take on someone elses negativity towards me, when I have enough to work through on my own. How am I supposed to contniue to be strong, work through my issues, learn my value, when the second I enforce a boundry or court order is the moment I am torn down. I just want it to be peaceful and for him to respect my boundries while at the same time creating a life for him and his daughter- but I am very doubtful it will be that easy. Bracing myself. THANK YOU AGAIN.

    #668608 Reply
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    Kate
    Keymaster

    Oh dear…

    “How am I supposed to contniue to be strong, work through my issues, learn my value, when the second I enforce a boundry or court order is the moment I am torn down. I just want it to be peaceful and for him to respect my boundries while at the same time creating a life for him and his daughter- but I am very doubtful it will be that easy. Bracing myself.”

    I hope you don’t mean bracing yourself for trying to make this work, and train him to be a better man and partner. Everything you wrote points to not having him in your life as a partner. I hope you mean bracing yourself to say no to that, while figuring out what his involvement with his daughter will be.

    #668609 Reply
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    anny21
    Member

    Yes, that is what I mean Kate. Bracing myself because I expect worse behavior from him and that I need to stay strong and remember my values while having someone throw negativity towards it. I know the decision to keep him out of my life as a partner is the best.

    Also, when I refer to his and his daughhter’s relationship, I mean without myself included. I do want to encourage their relationship, if he choses to be responsible and mature in his dealings with her. I dont want to take this out on their relationship, setting boundries as in what I allow to affect me.

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by avatar anny21.
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