It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Addicted to His Sext” who was in a long-term relationship with one man but couldn’t stop sexting another guy from her long-ago past whom she’d recently reconnected with on LinkedIn. She updated us once before to say she was working on her relationship (including counseling) but admitted that she still occasionally texted the long-ago fling. She wrote: “Do I need to completely cut the sexting to work on my current relationship? Or what is the place of this fantasy in my life? I like it and don’t want to give it up if I don’t have to.” Keep reading to see whether she gave up either the relationship or the sexting and fantasy (or neither or both).
Given his poor ability to provide for our family, we have acquired significant debt. He has decided to sign out of all financial responsibility and has no issue with declaring bankruptcy. He has unilaterally designated me as the sole provider for the family. I would be ok with this if we did not have debt and my income was ridiculously good. Reality is that there are bills and debt to pay, and he refuses to work and share the financial responsibilities. He doesn’t even want to be bothered to discuss the situation or talk about solutions or strategies to manage. He wants me to figure it out all by myself. And THIS was the start of the end of the relationship.
He doesn’t believe he has an obligation to share financial responsibility because he wants to be home full-time (doesn’t matter if I like it or not — he expects me to put up with his decision). He feels entitled to be provided for, and he refuses to accept any responsibility because “it is too stressful for him.” This is what came to surface during couples counseling.
For the last six years, I’ve been struggling to manage finances ALONE while working part-time, going to school and raising two wonderful children. If anyone has signed out of the relationship, it was him. The sessions helped me realize how dissatisfied I am with this situation.
So, he refuses to change and I refuse to live like this; therefore, we are splitting up. He refuses to divorce and is demanding alimony from me, and he wants full custody of the children to make me pay full support and all living expenses. Thankfully, I’ve got a good lawyer and my husband’s issues have reached the courts. Still, he refuses to get a lawyer or talk to my lawyer about this. As a result, the relationship has completely disintegrated. I had been holding it together for a long time, just picking up his slack and running the show so we could have “a happy family for our kids.”
The sexting man served the purpose of helping me realize how unhappy I was in this relationship. I had completely stopped talking to Mr. Sexty for a few months, until 10 days ago when he invited me to reconnect. We have since been talking, sexting and enjoying that connection. At this point we haven’t met face to face, but we might some day. This may turn into a relationship or it may not, I’m just letting it be. If it happens, it happens. If not, I’ll be okay. I do fantasize about a future with him, but I don’t expect anything serious going on here, at least not for a while.
Contrary to what most of your readers’ opinions are, I do love and care deeply for my children. It is better for them to know their mom won’t put up with their father’s BS and can instead go for what makes her happy. They also need to see that it is important to work and provide for the ones you love and for yourself, instead of feeling entitled to be catered to.
Anyway, thank you so much for your advice. I am glad I wrote to you initially; it was you who got me looking into the current relationship.
Thank you so much for your help.
You should feel proud for taking the steps to leave what sounds like a very unhappy and unfulfilling marriage and to move forward, creating the best life you can for your kids and yourself. Going to counseling was a really smart move, too, because it sounds like it opened your eyes to your husband’s unwillingness to make any positive changes and your need to move on. Good luck with everything.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.