Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “An Unsure Roomie” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “An Unsure Roomie” whose boyfriend wanted her to move in with him in a house with 3-4 other roommates. “But I can’t shake the feeling that our first official living-together experience shouldn’t be with a bunch of strangers,” she writes. “So I’m wondering, am I making a big deal out of nothing?” Keep reading to see what they’ve decided to do about their living arrangements.

First of all, thanks for your advice, especially the list of questions. After taking some weeks to think them through, I came to realize that I was less interested in preserving the chance to live alone, my original goal, and my biggest concern was avoiding moving into that house. The house in question was owned by my boyfriend’s relative who was financially desperate for him and some roommates to move in and start paying rent, so I understood that I couldn’t ask him to get out of that commitment. I explained to my boyfriend that my not moving into the house had nothing to do with not wanting to live with him and everything to do with not wanting to live in that particular set-up. My boyfriend admitted that he hadn’t thought about a lot of logistics of moving into the big house together with the roommates, like losing the privacy we currently enjoy. He just wanted to find a way to keep living together while satisfying his family, which I definitely appreciated, and knowing that made me feel better, like I wasn’t being “dumped” because he wanted to move into a frat-house. He admitted that he would prefer to live with me on our own, but it just didn’t seem possible.

At the same time we were having that conversation, the homeowner made some decisions about the house that my boyfriend was uncomfortable with, like suddenly changing his mind on allowing pets and expecting my boyfriend to leave his cats behind, and filling two of the rooms with people my boyfriend didn’t know without telling him about it. This gave my boyfriend a little leverage to get out of moving in there without really leaving his family in the lurch, since the situation was turning out differently than the relative had promised. Things are still very tense between them and the drama has damaged my relationship with some family members who blame me for his decision, but I know that he made up his own mind and he’s happy to have, as he put it, “dodged a bullet.” He’ll be moving into the apartment when my roommate moves out, so you might just see it submitted for your “reader home tours” soon!

 
Thanks for the update. I’m so glad it’s all worked out for you two!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

8 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Chiara April 2, 2012, 1:04 pm

    I’ve done it. Living with a boyfriend’s brigade of roommate CAN be done but it often pushes you into being roommate yourselves. Living together should make you feel like partners, equally sharing a home..
    Good on you! Good to hear it worked out! 🙂

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  • avatar

    Ktfran April 2, 2012, 2:10 pm

    Great update LW. I’m glad you ended up doing what is best for you. And in the end, it happened to work out in your favor.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG April 2, 2012, 2:28 pm

    So he’s not only considerate to how you feel and understood completely where you’re coming from, but he also has concerns for his family and wanted to help out. Yet he’s also smart enough to recognize when a situation is potentially asking for trouble and committed to you to realize that he wants to live with you all along? LW, you got yourself a keeper. Glad to hear it worked out. 🙂

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. April 2, 2012, 3:07 pm

    Now here is an example of good communication. I’m glad someone knows how to do it.

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  • avatar

    belongsomewhere April 2, 2012, 5:03 pm

    Yay! I’m so glad this worked out well!

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 2, 2012, 6:33 pm

    His family sure sounds like a great one to marry into…

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  • avatar

    stilgar666 April 3, 2012, 12:00 pm

    Nicely done, be wary of the family.

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  • MackenzieLee

    ColorsOfTheWind April 3, 2012, 5:07 pm

    His family does not sound like the best, but he definitely does. I’m really happy it all worked out for you LW.

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