It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Assumed Guilty,” whose friend asked her to be bridesmaid and then rescinded the offer and acted like it was the LW’s fault for assuming she’d been asked to be in the wedding party. “While I treasure our friendship,” she said, “this is truly making me ill. To think that I am being talked about is driving me insane and giving me anxiety attacks. And I just cannot not say something to her. Any advice on how I can clear this up without hurting our friendship?” Keep reading to see what she decided to say.
I did end up saying to her, “I just remember that night so clearly as it really took me by surprise, did you not recall that evening over at x place?” Of course, it was, “Oh, I thought that I may have asked you but couldn’t remember.” REALLY???? I ended our short visit on it saying how I understand things change, weddings are hard, and I’m excited for her and can’t wait to celebrate.
The beyond frustrating part is that I was point-blank asked, which I do not think she “forgot” at all. I think that’s the road she took out of the situation. I did not assume anything, the words out of her month that night were “Would you be one of my bridesmaids?”. She made a clear decision on how to respond to my email — several days after I sent it — inquiring about bridesmaids dresses. There is no excuse for asking someone to be in your wedding and then, when you have to change things, blaming it on their wrongly assuming it. There were many ways of saying some version of “things changed and I can’t have you in the wedding anymore, but let’s make a point to get some pictures together.” That’s the part that has hurt our friendship – that she felt it better to push it off as my fault. The part of being a bridesmaid is beyond trivial to me. Sure, maybe when I hadn’t received details, I should have “assumed” I wasn’t in the wedding party. I guess I was busy working and trying to think of shower ideas and what else could be done to help out.
After days of thinking on it, do I feel it appropriate to never see her again? No. But I now know that, in general, I am not that important a person to her. This is not being dramatic, it is knowing where you stand. I know how she normally is and I know how timely she usually responds to emails, so I know that, in the days she delayed in responding to me, she was discussing with others what to say. (Again, I do know for a fact it was discussed with others). I’m blown away that a person I thought I knew so well made the decision to push the blame onto me.
So, to sum it all up: The reason I was so hurt by the situation is that I just found out that my “close friend” is not such a close friend after all these years. While some of you think it’s no big deal to be treated so rudely, I guess I expect more of my friends. I 100% expect not to be made to feel guilty for something I did not do. And I, above all else, expect my friends to be considerate when responding to a touchy situation. We have all had our fair share of those awkward moments, but it’s how you handle it that determines who stays in your life and who goes.
Thanks, Wendy, and everyone else for your responses.
Thanks for the update!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.