Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Bewildered Best Friend” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Bewildered Best Friend” whose letter appeared in a His Take column when she wrote asking the guys why, if her best guy friend says he likes the qualities she possesses, he hasn’t pursued a romantic relationship with her. Some of the guys told her to just ask him. Others suggested she MOA after five years of pining for him. Find out what she decided to do, after the jump.

I brought up the subject to him recently about us dating. He told me that he was interested in me, but didn’t want a relationship. A few days later he claimed he did want a relationship, but not with me. He said he thought we would be very happy together and in the same conversation gave me a long list of reasons why we would be miserable together. He told me he had higher standards than I did, and that I didn’t measure up to his standards. He repeatedly brought up my sexual history (which he knows nothing about) to tell me I should be sorry about not being a virgin and that he couldn’t get over the fact that I wasn’t (it’s not like we’re kids; I’m almost finished with college and he’s graduated. We are by all reasonable standards, mature adults with no reason not to be sexually active).

He was rude, arrogant, and condescending every step of the way. Not only had I about had enough with his flip-flopping, I saw a side I had never seen before and I really didn’t like what I saw. The good news is, I am successfully cured of best-frienditis and happy being single!

 
What a dick! Sounds like you dodged a bullet on that one.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

46 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bethany October 24, 2011, 12:03 pm

    Wow… Wendy’s right! What a dick! I’m glad that at least now you know what you need to in order to fully move past this!

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  • Budj

    Budj October 24, 2011, 12:04 pm

    HAHA wowwwwwww. Dick, indeed. That guy will be single for a long time….and I feel bad for the poor woman who will inevitably date him and deal with his shit.

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  • avatar

    MellaJade October 24, 2011, 12:12 pm

    Holy Carp LW!! You certainly escaped a jerky boy on that one! Good for you to finally have the courage to ask and so bad for him to be a narcissistic, jackhole!
    Best of luck finding a great guy who’ll know the value of an awesome lady when he meets her! I’m sure you won’t be waiting long!

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    • avatar

      MsMisery October 24, 2011, 2:04 pm

      I know it’s a typo, but I just imagined a fish with a halo… >_<

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      • avatar

        MellaJade October 24, 2011, 2:28 pm

        @ MsMisery – I actually wrote ‘Carp’ on purpose. I enjoy the mental imagery!

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray October 24, 2011, 12:14 pm

    A giant bag of dicks!

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    • Tracey

      Tracey October 24, 2011, 12:53 pm

      And a floppy flaccid one at that….

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    • avatar

      artsygirl October 24, 2011, 1:38 pm

      How does one suck a bag of dicks?

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      • Budj

        Budj October 24, 2011, 2:01 pm

        Ask Dahmer? I guess he dipped them in chocolate.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny October 24, 2011, 2:24 pm

        Eeeewie.

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      • avatar

        lk October 24, 2011, 2:33 pm

        Louis CK has an excellent bit about that ever-perplexing dilemma : )

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster October 24, 2011, 2:57 pm

        Speaking of Louis CK… I saw him in front of Tomkins Sq Park on Saturday! And my boyfriend pissed him off by going “Holy shit it’s Louie Anderson! I mean-” he paused and snapped his fingers “-Louis CK!”

        His daughters were with him in costumes. I think they came from the Earth School Fair in the park (that’s what we were doing there). He gave my boyfriend the DIRTIEST -and well deserved- look. I was LOLing all day at my boyfriend, like, “Louie Anderson, babe? Really?!”

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  • avatar

    mcminnem October 24, 2011, 12:57 pm

    Remember how the other friend told him in no uncertain terms that she was uninterested? I’d bet she knew something we didn’t.

    I’d also bet that he’ll be one of those dudes who, years from now, will whine and complain about still being single, and then in the next breath claim no one he’s met has met his “standards”.

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    • avatar

      Nadine October 25, 2011, 7:38 am

      He’ll probably describe himself as a Nice Guy, and spend serious time thinking women are all insane for not liking the Nice Guys like him…..

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't October 24, 2011, 1:09 pm

    Wow, I hope you won’t be staying “best friends” with this bag of dicks. I’m sure he’ll be complaining in a few years that he’ll have to “settle” because no one will live up to his impossible standards.

    Also, is he a virgin? Because if not, you can add misogynistic ass hattery to his list of un-redeeming qualities

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    • avatar

      artsygirl October 24, 2011, 1:41 pm

      So true about the virginity comments. Chances are he has been with women in his life, but to expect partners to stay ‘pure’ until he comes along is still on his list of deal breakers.

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    • avatar

      eelizg23 October 24, 2011, 1:56 pm

      The virginity thing, unless he has some sort of genuine religious conviction (and based on the letter, I doubt it), just reeks of insecurity to me. Like he has to make sure his gf has no one to compare him to. And he’s gonna have a hard time finding virgins as he gets older. What a tool.

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      • avatar

        SpyGlassez October 24, 2011, 8:49 pm

        No he won’t. They’ll just get younger and younger….

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 24, 2011, 1:10 pm

    I agree this guy was a major dick, but I can also see him finally being sick of being approached so many times by is BFF about dating, and finally just going on a rant to get her off his back. I mean how many times can you tell one person who is suppose to be your friend that you only want to be friends with them. Doesn’t mean he was right about how he handled this, but I can see how something like that could happen, because of pent up frustration.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 October 24, 2011, 1:44 pm

      I also am happy for you LW, because this guy made it much easier on you to move on, and start dating some guys the deserve to be with you. This way you wont have to look back and think that he was the one that got away!

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe October 25, 2011, 10:45 am

        True, he did her a favor with his dick-like behavior, it’ll be much easier for her to move on than if she thought this guy was everything she ever wanted but just not into her.

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    • avatar

      iseeshiny October 24, 2011, 2:27 pm

      I hate to say, this was my thought too. I’ve both been friendzoned and done the friendzoning, but after you’ve had that conversation once, forcing the issue just makes things messy and usually kills the friendship. As it has here. True, he acted like a tool, but it was either acting like a tool or doing the fade-out.

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  • landygirl

    Landygirl October 24, 2011, 1:13 pm

    I think you should send your former best friend a case of Massengill because he’s a dooshbag.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG October 24, 2011, 1:35 pm

    Reading back on the guys advice in the original letter, it sounds like that this dick was FAR from being a nice guy! You are a very lucky LW. Have fun with your singledom – and live it up!

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  • avatar

    AKchic October 24, 2011, 1:38 pm

    Interesting.

    As a “best friend”, you say he knew nothing about your sex life? Really? He knew you weren’t a virgin, so he had to know something. A girl tells her best friend quite a bit, if not everything. Complaints, rants, etc. You probably bitched to him about former flames. What exactly did you say about them? If the relationship you envisioned crashed between the two of you, what would you say, and who would you say it to? Ever think about that? Bet he did.
    Yeah, what he said COULD have been his true thoughts. Or – he could have said that to get you off his back in order to ensure that you never wanted to date him so you couldn’t trash-talk him like your former paramours previously.

    I’m thinking he’s a douche though. He probably did say what he thought and you dodged a huge bullet.

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    • avatar

      Lydia October 24, 2011, 1:51 pm

      Not all best friends discuss each other’s sex lives. I know I rarely do, even with my very closest friends.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl October 24, 2011, 2:05 pm

        You know, I used to tell my two best friends EVERYTHING. But as time went by, I dated a couple guys who were kind of upset when they found out how much I’d shared, so I have stopped. I’m more selective with what I tell them now.

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    • avatar

      Dennis Hong October 24, 2011, 2:04 pm

      I think you (and Bagge above) make a good point. We’re only getting the LW’s side of the story, so we have no idea how obnoxious she might have been with the whole situation.

      Still, if what she says is completely factual, then the way he responded was kind of an extreme way to get a friend off your back, ya know? It’d be like if my house had an ant problem, and I decided to get rid of the problem by blowing up the house….

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 24, 2011, 2:28 pm

        Oh it is definitely and extreme reaction, I just wouldn’t say that it couldn’t happen. Either way the guy was a huge dick, and handled things very badly with someone who was suppose to be his friend.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 24, 2011, 2:29 pm

        *an extreme

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      • avatar

        AKchic October 24, 2011, 2:32 pm

        Well – getting rid of the house wouldn’t get rid of the ant problem. The ants would eventually walk through the ashes. Unless you plan on nuking the house, of course. That WOULD solve the problem 🙂

        That’s why I think he DID mean what he said in regards to the virgin issue. He does want a virgin (although we don’t know if he is one himself or not). The fact that he knew she wasn’t would tell me that she did discuss her sex life enough for him to know that she wasn’t one, so it is plausible to assume that she did discuss relationship matters with him, since she considered him her “bestie” (did I use that word correctly? I never know since I don’t actually have a “best friend” of the female persuasion, and my closest friend and I talk trucks, guns, homebrew etc – not girly issues).
        Whether she realizes it, or even knows it – he picked up on what she said, and he paid attention to what she said, inferred, and suggested. What she implied, he took to heart, and may have even exaggerated in his own mind. If she wanted a relationship with him, she shouldn’t have put him in the “best friend” category. He got to know her too well and it soured him on her. In this case, it was a good thing, but for many – it’s a bad thing.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery October 24, 2011, 2:02 pm

    “What a dick!”

    LOL, and totally agreed!

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  • FireStar

    FireStar October 24, 2011, 2:27 pm

    There is a way to communicate to someone – and a friend in particular- that you aren’t interested and won’t ever be. This? This ain’t it.
    And that whole virgin thing? Unnecessary. And judge-y…which is the last thing you want from anyone you call a friend.

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  • avatar

    Dennis Hong October 24, 2011, 1:36 pm

    Nah, I wouldn’t call him a dick.

    Cock, on the other hand….

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    • avatar

      Pinky October 24, 2011, 11:03 pm

      I agree. Dicks can be useful. I would call him a wanker.

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  • avatar

    Anna October 24, 2011, 3:09 pm

    What an ass! Good Riddance to him! And what is with this double standard where women are supposed to be virgin nuns before they get married but men are supposed to have as many different sex partners as possible?

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  • avatar

    LW October 24, 2011, 5:12 pm

    Hey all, I am actually the LW, and I think some of these comments are really interesting. Also, I wanted to clarify a few things. One time, he asked if I was a virgin, and I said no, that was the end of the discussion and the greatest extent of any discussion about my sex life. I didn’t offer up info and he didn’t ask. And we’d only ever seriously discussed us dating twice, once when I wrote the original letter to Wendy (when he told me that he might be interested in me in the future, which is why I brought it up again) and again as mentioned in my update.

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    • avatar

      thyme October 24, 2011, 5:42 pm

      is he a virgin?

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't October 24, 2011, 9:11 pm

        Inquiring minds want to know!! haha

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 October 24, 2011, 10:41 pm

      yeah it was just confusing, because in your original letter you said you discussed this several times.

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  • avatar

    the other guy October 24, 2011, 9:29 pm

    Don’t be too hard on the guy, he is after a certain feature in his future partner, not like he pursued the LW initially. Everyone has things that are deal breaks in a possible partner, this one is his, pre-martial sex. Unusual but not unheard of before.

    Also he gave an honest answer when pushed to do so, his mistake, but then if he does actually has high moral standards as he claimed maybe lying is something he doesn’t like doing.

    He does sound a bit of a dick but as mentioned previously we are only getting one side of the story.

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    • avatar

      VioletLover October 24, 2011, 9:53 pm

      He was the one who told LW he might be interested in her someday, so your little bon mot about “not like he pursued the LW initially” falls somewhat flat. There are also ways to make it clear that you -don’t- want to pursue a relationship without being a dick. This guy completely failed. She was very close friends with him, and he rebuffs her by saying that she’s got low standards adn isn’t good enough for him ’cause she’s had sex? That would be rude enough if he was turning down some girl at the bar on a Saturday night. To do it to someone whom he is friends with is pathetic and childish.

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      • avatar

        the other guy October 24, 2011, 11:49 pm

        Sorry but if you read what LW wrote –

        ‘I brought up the subject to him recently about us dating. He told me that he was interested in me, but didn’t want a relationship. A few days later he claimed he did want a relationship, but not with me’

        He didn’t ever say he ever wanted a relationship with the LW. The guy has been honest from what I have read, i.e. he liked the LW but wouldn’t date her and he would like to date someone…but they had to be on the same page with regard to sex before marriage.

        So everyone should be honest with everyone…except when you don’t want them to be honest?

        I have previously been asked out be women who I was good friends with but declined because they were very sexually active and not to careful about with whom. In these cases I didn’t tell them the truth but I most likely find lying a bit easier than the guy the LW liked.

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    • avatar

      Nadine October 25, 2011, 7:36 am

      Slut-shaming isn’t having “high moral standards”. Sorry.
      I’ll let you have “certain feature in his future partner” but please don’t equate this with morality. It’s a personal preference.

      But I do agree that he gave an honest answer when pushed to do so, which is good, especially in this case, as I’m sure his feelings will help the LW get over her feelings for him quickly. Being judged will do that.

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  • avatar

    atraditionalist October 24, 2011, 10:15 pm

    you know what:any time you’ve known a guy for five years and have expressed interest and he doesn’t reciprocate-just don’t push it. Just don’t. Because then you end up with douchey responses and feeling like a fool. If a guy likes you he will jump on the opportunity-you will never need to bring up the subject again.

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  • avatar

    Pinky October 24, 2011, 11:11 pm

    LW, I’m so sorry that it turned out this way. This really turned out to be a worst-case scenario. Not only did he make it clear that he didn’t feel the same way, you also lost your best friend. Who knew that he had the capacity to turn on you with such vitriol? You don’t do that to friends. You just don’t.

    I’ve got a bunch of guy friends. A couple of them expressed interest in me that wasn’t mutual. There’s no reason to be cruel about it. I just don’t get why he felt the need to lash out at you like that. He managed to destroy a 5-year friendship in one night. That’s horrible.

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