Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Brand New Wife” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Brand New Wife” who wondered whether she should MOA from what sounded like a very one-sided friendship. My response was one of the few times I gave only a one-word answer. Keep reading for an update.

First, I would like to say a quick thank you to all the commenters for all the advice and stories that they shared, especially KerryContrary, ReginaRay, AnitaBath, and the lovely MissDre. So within a day or two of you posting my letter and reading all the comments multiple times, I decided quite quickly to pull the plug on our friendship starting with FaceBook. I unfriended her and took “LK’s” advice and reached out to her brother, whom I was and still am close with. I let him know that I just couldn’t be there for her anymore and that I had concerns for her emotional and mental well-being. He swiftly wrote back with his acceptance that there is something wrong and that he and their family had been trying to get her to find some help. Feeling that this was enough, I began moving on.

She, on the other hand, had other plans, and, when her barrage of text messages went unanswered, she began to recruit mutual friends, acquaintances, and her husband to bother me. Mutual friends were told that our problems were between us, and I refused to go in-depth into what happen or to even explain my side of the situation when they brought up everything she said, which actually proved to be beneficial to me because I didn’t have to defend my actions or talk constantly of what happened. When her husband began to message me, I tried to explain to him how I felt and how the wedding was just the final cannon blast to signal our friendship was over. He told me I “needed to apologize and fix our relationship because “T” was torn up over everything.” I told him in a very sailor-like way to fornicate with himself since his wife was too busy with her boyfriend, and I blocked him on all social media sites and everything else. Which was pretty much the end of it.

I have maintained a close relationship with her family, even visiting them this last Christmas while I was on leave. I was worried about seeing them again since the whole blow-up, but they welcomed me with open arms and her mother kept apologizing for her daughter’s actions. During our conversations I learned several things that I hadn’t before: one being her mother had also offered to pay for her to come to my wedding.

I’m honest when I say I was worried about ending this friendship. We’d been friends since middle school, and, when things became bad for me at home, she and her family would take me in. I guess I was more worried about losing my “safe” place and all the great memories associated with who she used to be. I was also sure that losing her as a friend would somehow impact my life in some really significant way since she had always been there. Boy, was I wrong. I still wake up in the morning, I still go to work, I still call up and hang out with mutual
friends when I’m on leave, and I live life like I did when she was still a part of it. My fears were unfounded. It’s been almost two years and all that has happened since I cut her out has been the noticeable lack of drama in my life.

 
Well, a-men, sister. Amen.
***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

18 comments… add one
  • avatar

    MissDre April 11, 2013, 1:12 pm

    OMG you guys, I’m lovely! LoL.

    Anyway, I’m really glad you were able to move on from this friendship. You don’t need the negativity in your life. Having friends like that just causes anxiety. Focus on positivity, on the good friends you do have, and I’m sure you’ll make new friends as well.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 11, 2013, 1:16 pm

      You are lovely!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        MissDre April 11, 2013, 1:35 pm

        Awww thank you 🙂

        Link
  • Lindsay

    Lindsay April 11, 2013, 1:20 pm

    Glad to hear things are going well. I feel like we should paste a link to this letter anytime someone is worried about cutting off someone who is making them miserable.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest April 11, 2013, 1:21 pm

    Wow, that’s an oldie! BGM even complained about getting a purple thumb.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Christy April 11, 2013, 1:29 pm

      I simply can’t imagine BGM getting a purple thumb! His opinions are always so popular!

      Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow April 11, 2013, 1:56 pm

      Re-reading really old letters and comments is always…interesting, I guess? Entertaining, but also weird and, like… eerie.

      Reply Link
      • Diablo

        Diablo April 11, 2013, 3:35 pm

        Why eerie?

        Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 11, 2013, 1:56 pm

    Hah, I stand by my original assessment that the LW set herself up for that whole fiasco by NOT reading the most obvious signs that not only was her friend NOT going to make her wedding, but that her friend was seriously about as low as you can go on the scale of humanity. (I mean to cheat on your spouse while he is away at war — all the while relentlessly DRAINING his bank account? Talk about beyond the pale… Who remains friends with a person like that? Seriously…) And I still think now — after rereading it all — that LW did indeed seem to simply thrive on drama back then. The desperate last minute, raising of the money is absurdly hilarious… Especially since, you know, it was all for naught. (I may steal some of this tale of epic woe for a short story or at the very least a hilarious improv scene.)

    That said — I am pleasantly surprised that she actually not only DID finally cut off all contact with this former friend — has has steadfastly maintained the separation as well. Sometimes, people can and do surprise you, I guess. Bravo, LW. Bravo.

    Reply Link
    • Diablo

      Diablo April 11, 2013, 2:08 pm

      LW, I just want to say pointedly that BGM does not say Bravo very often, so take that as a compliment.

      You can almost forgive him for threatening to make your personal life his improv fodder.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    bethany April 11, 2013, 2:07 pm

    WOW.

    LWs out there, take notice. THIS is what happens when you follow our advice. Wonderful update! Good for you!!

    Reply Link
  • Alena

    Alena April 11, 2013, 2:47 pm

    LW, you’re awesome for sticking to your guns and doing what’s healthy for you, no matter any sense of obligation you may have felt from years of being “friends.”

    I think it’s been gone over many times here on Dear Wendy, but just because someone (friend or family or whatever) has been part of your life for a long time doesn’t mean they deserve or have a right to stay there. So many people seem to forget that regularly.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest April 11, 2013, 2:55 pm

      I don’t even think its that they forget, but just never realized it was ok in the first place. Been there and feel so glad to have finally cut the strings.

      Reply Link
      • Alena

        Alena April 11, 2013, 3:09 pm

        Good point. I unfortunately have a few people in my life that I have to regularly remind of this fact, and then they seriously consider it, but then a week later are telling me how horrible that poisonous person in their life is making them feel and are back at square one of “well I can’t cut them out of my life, they’re family!” And it happens over and over and over and over and… I could go on for a while with that.

        Link
  • avatar

    sarolabelle April 11, 2013, 3:53 pm

    I still think that the original letter is the longest one on Wendy’s website.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Married by Elvis April 11, 2013, 6:01 pm

      The update is nearly as long. I just don’t have the kind of patience it takes to reread the original book, then read this. Kudos to Wendy and the rest of you who do have that kind of patience. I also love how the length of Wendy’s responses are inversely proportional to the length of th letters.

      Reply Link
      • kaluu

        Katia April 13, 2013, 1:41 am

        They are easy reads though! She ditched her own kid so yeah she’d ditch a friend on her wedding. Good riddance

        Link
  • avatar

    artsygirl April 12, 2013, 12:58 pm

    Oh I am so happy to hear an update on this one because the original letter was so bat crackers.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment