Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: Bridesmaid Times Two Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Bridesmaid Times Two” whose sister asked her to be MOH in her wedding on the same day the LW was already committed to being a bridesmaid in another wedding. Find out whose wedding she’ll be attending, after the jump.

This was really hard for me. I actually already had made my decision by the time I read your response because I figured I would have to tell whoever ASAP what I was going to do. After reading your response and everyone’s comments, I do have a few comments of my own: First, my sister signed up for her venue because there had been a last minute cancellation. So no changing the date there. Also, I do know that my sister absolutely was not being passive aggressive or manipulative. She is not like that whatsoever. I think she just wants to get married as soon as she can and grabbed a date at an awesome place. She most definitely should have asked me first if she wanted me to be her maid of honor, but I think she was just doing what was best for her and would have understood if people couldn’t attend. She absolutely was not trying to guilt trip me.

I thought A LOT about this decision, but in the end, no matter how I got put into this situation, I would majorly regret not being in my sister’s wedding. I think she would have understood if I told her I could not go, and would have been disappointed but not angry, but I just cannot imagine not being a part of it and not being in her pictures ten years down the line. I think the way she picked the date was crappy, but that doesn’t really matter now, y’know?

I talked to my friend’s maid of honor right after I found out (and was crying), and she said that my friend will absolutely understand. So then I talked to my friend. She was disappointed, but kind, not angry, and said she actually felt bad for me. Fortunately, it will not mess up her plans money-wise or other type of planning-wise; it just sucks that I won’t be there. She said she could tell that this was really stressing me out and not to worry. She was awesome.

So, in the end, I am so sad to miss my friend’s wedding and let her down, but would regret not being at my sister’s wedding forev. Not to mention that I think my sister would be MORE hurt that I missed her wedding than my friend would be for my having to back out of hers (really). When I was pondering all of this, I tried to put what I felt about it out of my mind and try to put my sister’s and my friend’s feelings first, and I honestly think this solution will cause less hurt in the end. The fact that my sister chose the date without asking me and put me in a tough place SUCKS, but I think this was really my only option in the end.

Needless to say, I was a little shocked that almost none of the comments reflected my sentiments! I hope I did the right thing.

 
In this situation, there truly was no right or wrong. You can only do what you feel in your heart is the best choice for you and what you believe will create the least hurt feelings (yourself included), and, if going to your sister’s wedding is that choice, then, of course, go to your sister’s wedding! Go, have fun, and don’t feel guilty about missing your friend’s wedding. You were put in an impossible position where there was no way to make everyone happy, and, luckily, it sounds like everyone involves appreciates that and doesn’t want you to spend another minute worrying about this.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

112 comments… add one
  • katie

    katie January 15, 2013, 1:05 pm

    yea, this was a damned if you do, damned if you dont situation.

    ill be honest, i would be SO pissed at my sister for this. like, it would effect the day because i would know that i was supposed to be somewhere else. its sad that the wedding industry screwed you, your sister, and your friend over like this…

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    • theattack

      theattack January 15, 2013, 1:11 pm

      I completely agree. I would not be able to enjoy the wedding day at all because I would be pretty resentful about it. Ultimately the sister decided that the venue was more important than the LW. You can’t have everything you want, ya know? She could have either chosen a different venue or a different date if she wanted her sister there so badly. Now instead of the sister making a slight change in her plans that really wouldn’t affect much, she’s putting the LW in a very uncomfortable situation that she might never forget. So so shitty.

      I’m glad the LW is happy with the decision she made. That’s the most she can really do in this crappy situation she’s in.

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      • katie

        katie January 15, 2013, 1:31 pm

        i agree- how hard would it have been to just be like, oh shit, well that wont work. call the venue and cancel, find a new venue.

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      • katie

        katie January 15, 2013, 1:32 pm

        especially if she is such a loving, caring, non-manipulative person.

        just another reason to hate the modern american wedding…

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      • theattack

        theattack January 15, 2013, 1:32 pm

        Exactly. Or go to the courthouse and get married as soon as she wants and then have a big wedding later. You do what you have to if you really want someone there with you.

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        kerrycontrary January 15, 2013, 2:00 pm

        I have a question. Why do people let venues dictate so much of their wedding? I remember seeing letters before that are like “we want to invite X amount of people but the venue only fits Y”. Why are specific venues SO important to some people that they are willing to not invite people they really want to, or screw up other peoples schedules? Unless you live in an area with only 1 wedding venue in a 100 mile radius I don’t get it.

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      • katie

        katie January 15, 2013, 2:10 pm

        because the modern american wedding SUCKS!!! and is all about the pictures/what it looks like.

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        SpaceySteph January 15, 2013, 2:12 pm

        I think in the particular example you give, it’s often (not always, but probably more often than not) more about money than the space and they’re using the venue as an excuse.

        When I booked my wedding we had a choice of 2 venues owned by the same company. One could max out at 150, the other at 280. We chose the bigger one, but it was much more expensive to reserve it (a few thousand dollars)… plus inviting 250 people to your wedding is more expensive than 150. We could afford it, not everyone is so lucky.

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      • Lady_Red

        Red_Lady January 15, 2013, 8:57 pm

        The money was totally the driving force behind my venue choice! We could only fit about 130 people comfortably, but we were still able to invite all of the people truly important to us.

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        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 2:15 pm

        I don’t understand why people do kerrycontrary. In my world you make a guest list, then figure out your budget, then find a venue that fits your number of guests and budget. But some people are obsessed with a location (but it’s the Plaza in June!!) and I just don’t get it.

        I’m getting married in my parents yard, half surrounded by corn fields and one side a motocross track so clearly I just don’t understand.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary January 15, 2013, 2:34 pm

        Well its like when we were looking for my brother’s wedding, my SIL asked me and my parents to go to like 10 venues. My parents literally visited every wedding venue within 50 miles of our house (because my brother and SIL live in another state). Like the wedding wouldn’t be special if it wasn’t at some cute Bed and Breakfast that had a 5000K venue fee before food and other fees. They ended up having the reception a country club and the whole thing was awesome. I just think people get too obsessed with Pinterest and focus on the venue/centerpieces/favors instead of the people.

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        kerrycontrary January 15, 2013, 2:45 pm

        And as I disclaimer I adore my SIL. But the hunting down the venue thing was absurd.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 15, 2013, 4:18 pm

        We happened to love the first venue we visited, but I can understand hunting around from place to place. Different venues have different things to offer, and a lot of that is about practicality rather than the “perfect” place to get married. One place we were considering before we found our venue only had one bathroom for everyone to get ready in, and that was shared with a family who had three toddlers. That venue goes for about $5,000, and it’s pretty popular. They’re all very different, and some of them just can’t accommodate your needs. I do think it’s stupid to try to find the “perfect” version of anything though. It’s a big waste of time and money when really you’re just trying to get married.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 15, 2013, 4:24 pm

        We did what GatorGirl is saying and made a rough draft of our guest list before picking a venue. That’s the way you’re “supposed” to do it, because that’s the only way that practically makes sense. I wouldn’t pick a venue just because I was a few people over on the limit though.

        Honestly, a venue really does dictate a lot of what your wedding is going to be like. Does your venue offer on-site catering? Bartending? Do they have certain licenses? Commercial kitchens? A place to get ready? Bathrooms for the guests? If it’s outside, is there a pavilion or something in case it rains? I really do think it’s important to find a venue to match your needs. If you have a conflict between the venue and your guest list though, you just have to decide what’s more important to you. I would rather cut ten people from my guest list than to have to change venues to a place where I have to rent port-a-pottys and get ready in someone else’s house, but I wouldn’t compromise 100 guests for that. It just depends on the person.

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        handy0318 January 15, 2013, 5:33 pm

        We did the same thing…guest list first, then budget, then looked at venues that accommodated both. The budget dollars spent were spent for the guest’s comfort and budget dollars saved were saved on doing things like trolling thrift shops for cheap glassware to make table decorations with, not spending a fortune on wedding photos that eventually wind up boxed away only to be taken out when the kids or grandkids want to see them and choosing some very simple invitations.

        Anyway, I’m glad the LW followed her heart on the matter. Common courtesy and etiquette dictates that you go with the first obligation but this wasn’t exactly a common circumstance.

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      • avatar

        FancyPants January 15, 2013, 6:49 pm

        I know this isn’t everyone’s situation, but I got married in a small city with limited venues. There were only three available that were easily wheelchair accessible, which was important since some of my absolute had to be there relatives have mobility issues. Out of those three, my best friend had gotten married at one and they were a nightmare to deal with so I wasn’t even considering that. Out of the other two, one was a larger place, but they had ridiculous charges like a $700 lawn mowing fee that was mandatory, as well as forcing you to rent every chair, napkin, etc from them. The other just had a flat $500 fee for the whole shindig, after catering costs. It was kind of a no brainer which one I would go with despite capacity limits, but Pinterest and my vision for the day had nothing to do with it.

        (Also, my parents don’t have a big yard to get married in – I’m jealous of GatorGirl and her cornfields, that sounds really relaxed and beautiful)

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        GatorGirl January 16, 2013, 8:32 am

        Aw, thanks!! I’m super lucky to have the location we do and so thankful for my parents putting in a crapton of work to get the site ready.

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      • Stonegypsy

        the_other_Wendy January 15, 2013, 6:51 pm

        If it was anything like the venue we went with they would have owed the venue all the money they would have spent there. Sometimes it’s just not that easy.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:17 pm

      But see? Little sisters don’t get SO pissed like you would b/c we are used to it. Amirite or amirite?! I’m right.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 15, 2013, 1:29 pm

        I’m a little sister and I would be super pissed and wouldn’t change my plans. You have to make a stand to stop the cycle you speak of.

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:43 pm

        How much younger are you? My theory is this dynamic (which is hard to break) applies to siblings with many years inbetween (like 8+ years)

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 15, 2013, 1:47 pm

        Ahhhh okay. I’m only four years younger.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:51 pm

        Phew, my theory still stands – it’s a hard and fast rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:53 pm

        And the beauty of my rule is I get to dismiss people’s opinions who are not in the same boat. Because I truly believe if you don’t have a much much younger or older sibling, then you just don’t get it, because it’s a very weird dynamic!

        And well you know how much I like to create rules and see if they hold. ….

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 15, 2013, 1:58 pm

        Rules that dismiss other people’s opinions are the best kind of rules.

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 2:01 pm

        The. Best. And completely necessary if this rule is going to last.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 1:58 pm

        I have a sister who is 8 years younger and think your theory is silly.

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:59 pm

        I think your mom is silly.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 15, 2013, 2:08 pm

        My brother is 13 years older, & I don’t think this dynamic exists. But there’s never been a situation in which it’s been tested, so…maybe your theory is still right!

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 2:25 pm

        Fork, you’re not helping, Fabelle. … But you know what? Now that I think about it, my boyfriend has a much younger sister, and I’d say they experience the complete opposite of what I’m advocating. But he’s an exception to the rule. You’re an exception to the rule. And GatorGirl is just an eldest sib in major denial, bwhahahahahahaha.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 2:55 pm

        Weak little sisters act weak.
        Strong little sisters act strong.
        Some (like Addie Pray)
        Make excuses all day long. 😉

        I kid, I kid. But honestly? Yes.
        Things are truly simply is a simple as that.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 15, 2013, 4:26 pm

        I hate to say this, AP… But I have a brother 10 years older than me, and none of this applies to me. If anything, he got the rotten end of the stick!

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        painted_lady January 15, 2013, 4:29 pm

        Wait, then why is it my little brother seems to get so much joy out of pissing me off? He’s 9 years younger, and I’m his snobby older sister (snobby because I feel like you should wear shirts with sleeves to a nice restaurant and not have screaming matches in the street).

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 4:32 pm

        Ugh, can’t you people just let me make up a rule that fits my life and belief it applies to everyone else? What a buzz kill.

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        painted_lady January 15, 2013, 8:08 pm

        Dude, I get it. I hate disappointing people in general. My brother thrives off disappointing people. That, I don’t get.

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      • honeybeegood

        honeybeegood January 15, 2013, 8:40 pm

        I think there is a thing with whatever school of child psychology that cares about birth order that considers only children to be children with siblings significantly different in age (and no sibs obvs.) Not sure the exact number of years though. We’ll go with 8. Yes I remember stupid things.

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        painted_lady January 15, 2013, 10:43 pm

        That’s funny – my mom always says she raised two only children. Now, if I say I was basically an only child, she acts like I’ve just said I wish my brother hasn’t been born.

        That might also have something to do with my temperament.

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      • avatar

        painted_lady January 15, 2013, 10:45 pm

        Hadn’t been born. HADN’T been born. Put down the wine glass and walk away, PL.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 1:08 pm

    You’re lucky to have such an understanding friend.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 1:15 pm

    As much as I wanted you to pick your friends wedding (as a roar to baby sister rights for all!) I probably would have done the same….. It still is shitty. And even though your sister is nice and feels bad blah blah blah – which I’m sure she is and I’m sure she picked her wedding date without thinking “aha now my little sister will have to come mwahaha” – but that’s my point – it didn’t even cross her mind to ask you first. Because your plans and commitments do not cross her mind. And it’s this mindset that has set in since you were born. And you know what? It will continue. If it’s not one thing (your friends wedding v hers) it’ll be another – her baby shower wil trump whatever you got going on, then her kid will trump, then her whatever will trump… You will never be as important. Sigh. But that mindset is our fault just as much s theirs. How do you break this cycle?!?!! Imma stop projecting now.

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      lemongrass January 15, 2013, 1:37 pm

      My sister got mad that I got engaged during her engagement- a month and a half before her wedding. Apparently little sisters have to put their entire lives on hold for big sisters. At least she isn’t pulling that shit with my pregnancy!

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        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 2:02 pm

        We got engaged 7 weeks before my fiance’s little sister’s wedding. She was super excited for us…I don’t get this whole older sibling pushing the younger to the side thing. I think it’s just sself absorbed individuals who would act that way.

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        lemongrass January 15, 2013, 2:04 pm

        I think being an older sibling just gives you an easier platform to work from.

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        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 2:12 pm

        I don’t understand what you mean.

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        lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 2:14 pm

        If you’re a self absorbed person, being the oldest will help you.

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        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 2:17 pm

        Ah. Yes, I do understand that being older can make it easier to act that way, but I don’t think it’s the rule that older siblings are more self absorbed as AP is presenting it.

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        temperance January 15, 2013, 10:43 pm

        I really thought that the youngest fit into that role, not the oldest. As the oldest, I always had to be “responsible” and schedule my events around babysitting my siblings and doing the lion’s share of the chores along with one of my sisters. My younger sister doesn’t have 1/10 of the responsibility or obligation that I have.

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        temperance January 15, 2013, 10:43 pm

        On an age-appropriate level.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 15, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Being the older sibling in this scenario means you are running behind… Your fiance’s younger sister doesn’t get mad that her older brother is getting married because he’s older and “it’s about time.”
        But an older sibling might get mad because they were there first and the younger sibling needs to wait their turn.

        Not saying it’s logical, but that is how the dynamic goes.

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        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 2:38 pm

        I guess I feel like the situation you’re describing makes a lot of sense if you’re close in age. But when you’re far apart in age (like 8 years as AP says) I just don’t see the competition thing playing in.

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        catz47 January 15, 2013, 3:16 pm

        my (younger) sister’s boyfriend got mad that I got engaged 4 months before he planned on popping the question to my sister…

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      temperance January 15, 2013, 4:05 pm

      Huh. In my family, the younger children were always favored for this sort of stuff. My mother actually banned me from having a college graduation party because it would upstage my sister’s high school graduation, and she was really pissed when my aunts and uncles brought me cards, because it “wasn’t about me”.

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  • avatar

    spark January 15, 2013, 1:18 pm

    I agree with you, LW, and I think you made the right decision.

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  • avatar

    SuzyQ January 15, 2013, 1:21 pm

    Oooh that’s exactly what I said! I think it’s best. Family is family – good luck!

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  • avatar

    Matcha January 15, 2013, 1:26 pm

    I would have probably done the same thing as you did, but it still sucks.

    However, because I haven’t been too close to much of my family I also really stand by the “friends are the family you choose” aphorism. My friends have helped me out so much, and been there when some members of my family did not support me. This decision was lose-lose because you’ll always feel some sort of regret. I think you did the best you could.

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  • avatar

    muffy January 15, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I didn’t comment on the first letter but when I first read your letter I thought you should go with the sister’s wedding – although you were in a tough spot family always comes first in my mind.

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  • avatar

    bethany January 15, 2013, 1:37 pm

    It sounds like it worked out the best it could, given the circumstances!
    You have a wonderful friend… I’m not sure I would have been as gracious as she was. Please make it a point to go out of your way to take her (and her fiance) out to dinner or do something to celebrate their wedding with them. I’m sure it would mean a lot to them.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson January 15, 2013, 1:50 pm

    Your friend is really sweet. You should go out of your way to make it up to her.

    Guyzzzz. I’m really sad. No one has noticed that I’ve been too busy to comment lately. I got no shout out’s ala spaceboy – who still does occasionally after a 1+ year absence. Humphf. Anyway I thought about this because I went back and read the original letter which I remember having an opinion but apparently didn’t actually have time to comment. Re-reading my old comments is one of my favorite things about dw and definitely my favorite thing about updates. It’s so fun seeing my weirdo comments from the past and not even recognizing it as something I would say. I can’t even remember if I was on pro friend or pro sister side. I probably would have chosen the sister too but I woulda been hella resentful.

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      kerrycontrary January 15, 2013, 2:02 pm

      I think its interesting to read old comments and say “GEE WIZ I must’ve been pissed that day” Or “wow I was feeling really compassionate”. I don’t do it often, but it is entertaining.

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      lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 2:09 pm

      I’ve been meaning to ask where you’ve been. I swear!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 15, 2013, 3:34 pm

        So you know – I have been wearing my sweet lululemon matching running gloves and running hat and c 2 5king all over colorado. And going to yoga. And working more than usual (yay). How is your new lululemon life?

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        lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 3:51 pm

        All I’m gonna say is lulu has improved not only my exercise life, but also my sex life.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 15, 2013, 3:55 pm

        Right? Can you ever imagine working out in ratty old t-shirt again? I am way more likely to go on a run when my clothes are adorable and functional and match.

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        lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 3:57 pm

        I am way more likely to check myself out in the mirror in my hot workout clothes, than I am to actually work out. But in my adorable little sister’s words, Whatevs!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle January 15, 2013, 2:07 pm

    I…uh…don’t know if I should even comment, since the decision has already been made & I’m probably going to sound super mean. Basically…I’m happy that your friend was so understanding, but you know, I still think your sister was/is being shitty.

    Just the fact that you say she’d be so hurt at you for missing her wedding—when you already had plans to be at another one—makes me think that some fundamentally selfish part of her personality is being overlooked here. That’s how it seems to me, a stranger reading about this situation.

    With that said, I am firmly on the side of straight-up “I committed already to this prior event” etiquette, so that’s also influencing my response.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 2:36 pm

    Well, I’m glad that you think you’ve made the right decision. How wonderful for you. And your sister. And how fucking awful for your friend and — ultimately, for that once important friendship.

    And so, as that relationship now changes you’d best not hold that against her. What you have elected to do here by essentially bailing on her wedding due to a… “better” offer goes against both etiquette, the bounds of good taste and, well, common decency. But most of all, it is a slap in the face of that friendship. And a hard one, too. No doubt, your friend’s head was snapped right back. (No matter how kind she was on the surface, she will now (perhaps forever) view you a bit differently. Oh, she said all the right things, I am sure — with a warm smile, no doubt. (Hey, some of us are simply terrific actors. Some of us need to be…) Bittergaymark my words, that friendship will NOT survive unbruised.

    Nor should it — frankly.

    So your sister won. How nice for her. And how fantastic that — once again — shamelessly narcissistic and thinking-of-nobody-but-one’s-own-self-bridezilla style thinking has been so duly rewarded. Tacky. Yes, as you yourself acknowledge, your sister’s behavior here was rather tacky. Very tacky. But perhaps not quite so much as your own weak response to it…

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      Violet January 15, 2013, 3:34 pm

      I hope she doesn’t lose her friend over this, this letter makes me really sad. This is her half sister that she just sees a few times a year, it sounded like she is much more involved in the friend’s life on a regular basis. Being involved in their introduction and proposal, even! Family or not, it seems like her absence from this friend’s wedding is going to sting.

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      spark January 16, 2013, 8:29 am

      I so strongly disagree. I don’t think it was a major breach of etiquette – she had a pretty damn good reason for bowing out. Her sister’s wedding is WAY more important. And, come on, she was just a bridesmaid in the wedding. Not the maid of honor who would be officially witnessing the marriage. I’m getting married next month, and if one of my bridesmaids had to bow out, how would that affect my wedding at all? Not much. I’d be disappointed that she would not be there to enjoy my awesome wedding, but it’s not like it would ruin anything or even change much at all. People have blown weddings into such a huge “It’s my fucking day and the whole world better honor it in every way possible” spectacle. Other people have their own lives, and brides should recognize it.

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      shanshantastic January 16, 2013, 9:42 am

      I totally agree with you, BGM. This will change the LW’s relationship with her friend, even if neither of them realizes it immediately. The friend will think twice before including LW in important events in her life, because deep down she will question whether something “more important” is going to come up.

      I’m very family-oriented, but that also means if I was in the sister’s position I would NOT force one of my closest relatives into making that kind of choice. Poor planning on the sister’s part should not have created this kind of situation for the LW. And yes, LW, you made the choice that you think works for you – so now you have to live with it.

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      wendykh January 18, 2013, 9:23 pm

      AGREED. And I would be just as gracious as Friend was… TO HER FACE. And it would go in the mntal file. I wouldn’t cry and create drama but I’d remember and I’d think “well, glad she introduced us” and that would be all. I’d distance myself *massively* after she rewarded that trashy behaviour.

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    Violet January 15, 2013, 3:24 pm

    You are a very generous person and so is your friend. I am still not wholly comfortable with how you say your sister went about it, though. You say she is not passive aggressive, but this sounds pretty PA to me: “She told me that she didn’t want to make me choose, but that she was going to ask me to be the maid-of-honor and it would be weird not to have me there…it sounded like my sister didn’t EXPECT me to choose her, but that she wanted me to and thought that I would.”

    I hope your sister doesn’t always expect to take advantage of you like this. You sound like a good hearted person.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 3:31 pm

      Indeed. Lucky are those who thrive on being passive aggressive when they are surrounded by those far too foolish so even recognize it for what it is…

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    • avatar

      painted_lady January 15, 2013, 8:33 pm

      Yeah, I kind of feel like this, too. If she wasn’t passive-aggressive, she would have taken the “Oh no! That’s the same day as friend’s wedding!” as her answer to whether or not LW wanted to be MOH. The thing is, LW, your sister is probably every bit as awesome as you’ve said…but right now she’s an awesome person who did a pretty manipulative thing. It can be both. Just because everyone here is saying what she did is shitty doesn’t mean we’re dismissing the possibility she’s an otherwise lovely person.

      I don’t know what I would have done in this situation, honestly. I’d be pissed at the sister no matter what, that’s for sure, for being completely inconsiderate and prioritizing venue over family. If one of my closest family members had a conflict through no fault of their own with my wedding date (which I would have checked first), and the choice was either dream venue, sans family I love very much, versus a wedding at some cheesy rental hall or somebody’s flooded backyard, I’d choose family every time. Obviously LW is the same way, which isn’t a flaw, it’s just a shame her sister doesn’t have the same priorities.

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  • landygirl

    landygirl January 15, 2013, 3:35 pm

    I don’t understand all the vitriol for the sister. I didn’t confer with anyone when I set my wedding date and if you made it great, if not, great. My favorite brother and my best friend as well as other family members weren’t at my wedding and it was fine. It’s a wedding not a liver transplant.

    It isn’t like she’s blowing her friend off to play World of Warcraft, she is going to be Maid of Honor at her sister’s wedding. I doubt anyone’s life will be ruined by her not attending. Sure it sucks but it isn’t the end of the world.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 3:43 pm

      To have the person who introduced you — bail on your wedding simply cannot sting. And it can’t be fun to have to pause mid-toast so you can say… “Of course none of us would even be here today, if not for our dear, dear friend Miss I Have Terrible Manners. Oh, where is Miss I Have Terrible Manners? I’m afraid I must share the news that she blew us off to go to her sister’s half-assed barely planned wedding. What sister? Oh, the half sister. You know, the one she so barely and so rarely sees… Yes, we, too, WERE surprised. But then, it was rather nice to know exactly where we stand there, no? One less person to have over for dinner…”

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      • avatar

        Violet January 15, 2013, 3:49 pm

        ” if not for our dear, dear friend Miss I Have Terrible Manners. Oh, where is Miss I Have Terrible Manners? I’m afraid I must share the news that she blew us off to go to her sister’s half-assed barely planned wedding.”

        LOL, BGM owes me a new keyboard, thanks to the water that just shot out of my nose!

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 4:59 pm

        I still don’t see the big deal. If life were simple there wouldn’t be advice columns. The wedding is about the bride, not the attendees. I’m sure life will go on.

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        Ammie January 15, 2013, 9:41 pm

        There’s only so much we can tell about people and their relationships from a short letter on the internet. Knowing your friend and your sister as you do, which is to say much better than we do, it sounds like you made a decision based on the totality of those relationships. It was a lousy situation, and objectively your sister behaved irresponsibly and shouldn’t be rewarded for it while your friend behaved responsibly and shouldn’t have to suffer for your sister’s irresponsibility. But sometimes, those rules seem less hard and fast when we’re dealing with the actual people involved.

        Go have fun at your sister’s wedding, and I hope both couples have long, happy lives together!

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      • avatar

        Ammie January 15, 2013, 9:42 pm

        (That’s directed to the LW, obviously. I think this is the second time I’ve accidentally responded to someone on here, and I think it’s the same person both times! Sorry!)

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 3:48 pm

      Are brothers and best friends required to be at liver transplants too now? Jeez. When will it end?!

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 5:00 pm

        I still don’t see the big deal. If life were simple there wouldn’t be advice columns. The wedding is about the bride, not the attendees. I’m sure life will go on.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle January 15, 2013, 3:51 pm

      “if you made it great, if not, great”

      That’s the difference, though— her sister is lacking this breezy attitude & laying on a guilt trip (even if the LW doesn’t view it as such).

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 5:01 pm

        The sister didn’t really guilt trip her so I’m not sure where you saw that.

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        wendykh January 18, 2013, 9:29 pm

        Uh. What part of “but but but I was gonna ask you to be MOH!” did you not get? What part of “Oh I knew you had this super important wdding to go to but decided to fuck asking you since I’m totally way mor important. Obvs” did you not get?

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 3:53 pm

      I am remembering something – when my best high school friend got married, she invited me and my parents. The week of my friend’s wedding, my brother announced that he and his now wife were going to the courthouse to get married on Friday, two days away. He told us in case we’d like to attend. I was so pissed. I was pissed because I WANTED to attend but he made it really hard. Typical. So my parents decided they’d skip my friend’s wedding and drive up to my brother’s (a good 8 hour drive away). I really felt like I should ditch my friend’s wedding – because it was MY BROTHER’S WEDDING afterall! But they didn’t plan anything and didn’t even seem like they cared if anyone came. It really pissed me off because WE CARED. My parents thought I should continue to go to my friend’s wedding, so that’s what I did. And my brother had just my parents there. They were fine with that. But it was a real slap in the face because I would have liked to attend. Typical older sibling putting me in a hard spot, a lot like this LW’s. (GG, I’m kidding, I know not all big siblings are like that.) My friend the bride and her parents were pissed. But in a judgmental way – like they scoffed at the fact that my brother didn’t have a wedding and was going to get married at the courthouse. I remember it pissed me off that they were so judgmental about it. So then I found myself both mad/annoyed/disappointed at my brother and defending him. Typical! BGM is right, weak sisters are weak!

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      • avatar

        temperance January 15, 2013, 4:00 pm

        My youngest sister is 15 years younger than I am, and I can sort of see the dynamic you’re talking about, but from the oldest-sibling POV. Of course, my youngest sister is only 14, but she’s resentful of the relationship that I have with our other sister, and she sees us as equals, whereas I remember changing her diapers and babysitting her constantly. She’s really hurt and upset that our other sister named me godmother of our niece, but … she’s a kid.

        I can imagine always seeing her in that role because she’s immature as compared to the rest of us, who had to step up to take care of the younger kids and do lots of chores.

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 4:23 pm

        That’s funny – my older siblings are each other’s kids’ godmothers/godfathers and I didn’t even bat an eye. I just assumed they would be – because they are older. Even though I have a better one-on-one relationship with each of my siblings than they do with each other. This whole confersation today and on the LW’s original letter is making me really pissed at myself for constanting jumping through impossible hoops for my siblings and then having zero expectations when it comes to my own needs. F this.

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        temperance January 15, 2013, 10:32 pm

        Seriously! I didn’t realize that there was a people-pleaser element to being baby of the family (mostly because my sister is terribly bratty and so is my FSIL, and they’re both the youngest), but hell yes, own your needs!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 4:00 pm

        Your brother is a FUCKING asshole. End. Of. Story. And a manipulative one at that. Your parents are idiots. And you behaved idiotically by feeling bad. Why? He deliberately went out of his way to make sure that EVERYBODY would feel bad… Grow a back bone, girl. Seriously.

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        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 4:09 pm

        It’s HARD! I felt bad because I WANTED to be there but couldn’t – don’t worry though, my anger trumped my sadness. Kind of. I didn’t do anything about it. I just got over it. I find myself wanted to say what the LW said – something about family is family and he didn’t mean to be a dick and blah blah blah. …. My parents were more annoyed with my brother than pissed. They didn’t care so much about the wedding we were going to, but they too were of the mind set “family is family”. Yes, my parents and I can be big idiots when it comes to family and the “family is family” mindset.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 4:14 pm

        Your brother desperately WANTED attention. And he certainly got it. Way to reward that behavior. Your parents set themselves up for a lifetime of such shenanigans…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 15, 2013, 4:20 pm

        Yes, yes, and yes.

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    • avatar

      temperance January 15, 2013, 3:54 pm

      I didn’t confer with anyone either, but I wouldn’t play the guilt card to get anyone to choose me, either.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 5:04 pm

        The LW stated in the update that the sister didn’t guilt trip her. What letter do y’all read?

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      • avatar

        wendykh January 18, 2013, 9:33 pm

        The original one the LW wrote that she’s now rewriting and/or in denial about.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 4:01 pm

      The “issue” with the sister is she didn’t check the date with anyone and then made the sister feel like crap for already having plans. (Oh, you’re busy for the last minute wedding date I planned? I thought you had something in June, your best friends wedding right? Well I was going to ask you to be my maid of honor! Boo hoo!) You didn’t care who attended.

      And, it is a huge bummer to some people when they find out a dear friend or family member can’t attend their wedding. It’s not nice to dismiss other people’s feelings because they are different from your own, Laissez-faire feelings.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 4:06 pm

        The fact that so many on here don’t have problem with the sister’s actions reveals just how much we have fallen from being a polite society. Nobody else’s thoughts or feelings really truly seem to matter anymore — not if they come at the expense of our own. Its all very narcissistic and self absorbed, Sadly, it will only get worse and worse as more of you fucking sheep blithely go along with it as you were all so poorly brought up.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 15, 2013, 4:09 pm

        *edit. Clarification. The “you” at the end in no means was meant to include Gatorgirl. Instead, I was merely trying to echo and amplify her well made point.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 15, 2013, 4:18 pm

        Aw, BGM! We’re getting along! Haha.

        But seriously, common courtesy has fallen to the way side. What a shame.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 15, 2013, 4:20 pm

        Yeah, I am trying very hard not to completely invalidate the LW’s decision (since it’s already been made) but I’m also surprised at the comments that seem to indicate this was nothing more than a tough call. To me, there shouldn’t have even been a debate— she was already committed to the friend.

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      • avatar

        Lindsay January 15, 2013, 4:21 pm

        I’ve really noticed this (on a smaller scale than weddings, though) most since I moved to NYC. A lot of people I know rarely show up to parties or other events they say they’ll attend or always cancel once they get a better offer. Or they show up to a party for literally five minutes just so they can say they went. Drives me crazy.

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      • avatar

        ebstarr January 15, 2013, 4:54 pm

        Ugh, THIS. People don’t even bother to lie about it in NYC. They just … tell you. “Oh, sorry, I actually can’t, my sorority sisters are having a banquet!” Like, OK, I had alternate offers too, pal.

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      • katie

        katie January 15, 2013, 5:00 pm

        seriously? god people suck!

        i had no idea that happens!

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      • Miss MJ

        MISS MJ January 15, 2013, 5:32 pm

        This drives me crazy, too. If you have to RSVP, even informally, you show unless there is an emergency. And, when you show, you’re a good guest, meaning you stay for a bit and socialize with the other guests. It’s not that hard to be polite about these things.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 5:10 pm

        I can’t believe that people on here are getting so butt hurt about this. The sister didn’t demand anything and would have understood if the LW had attended the friend’s wedding. I understood when my brother, sisters-in-laws and nieces and nephews couldn’t attend my wedding and for reasons that were far less important than one of their siblings getting married. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. Once again, people are bringing their own issues to a letter.

        If the bride was a bridezilla you’d all be telling her to drop out of the wedding. People can’t win for losing.

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        lets_be_honest January 15, 2013, 5:14 pm

        I can’t believe you’re so butt hurt about everyone having a different opinion.

        And, I’m butt hurt by the use of the phrase butt hurt. Its gross.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 15, 2013, 5:21 pm

        You mean you don’t understand why I’m like every other person that posts in here? Imagine that.

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      • honeybeegood

        honeybeegood January 15, 2013, 9:58 pm

        Unless its a discussion of ice skating, rollerskating, or we-ran-out-of-lube anal I would be perfectly happy never hearing butt-hurt ever again.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 16, 2013, 8:41 am

        Sure, the sister didn’t demand anything but she took a pretty passive agressive stance. And you’re still dismissing other people’s opinions!

        And, I actually would not advise someone to drop out of a wedding this close due to “bridezilla” behaivor. Once a commitment has been made you stick to it. End of story. If you ask me the sister is acting like a “bridezilla”.

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  • avatar

    Taylor January 15, 2013, 3:51 pm

    LW, it sounds like everyone involved handled things beautifully (aside from the initial conflict). I would have picked my sister too, and I would have understood if one of my wedding party had a family conflict. Enjoy the wedding, and don’t spend another minute worrying about this – you had a tough decision to make, and it’s made.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay January 15, 2013, 4:10 pm

    You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, I guess. I’d be careful about assuming that just because your friend was kind to you that she’s not at least a little pissed at you.

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  • Lady_Red

    Red_Lady January 15, 2013, 9:23 pm

    LW, I think you made the right choice, and that’s because you feel like you made the right choice. This was a horrible situation to be in, and you are the only one who truly knows these two brides and their relationship with you. I don’t envy you this situation at all, but it sounds like you are happy with your choice, and that the two girls in question seem pretty level headed, which is very lucky indeed!

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