Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “College Sweetheart” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “College Sweetheart,” a college student who was feeling the pressure to define her 6-month relationship in an effort to avoid a broken heart come May when her boyfriend graduates. “I don’t want to feel crushed if come May it turns out I thought we were more serious than he thought we were, but talking about feelings/emotions is not my strong suit so I’m not sure how to start this conversation, especially when I am not totally positive of how I feel.” After the jump, find out where things stand in her relationship now.

I just wanted to thank you and everyone who commented for their advice. Over the last three months or so I have gotten a lot of flack from friends and such because my relationship isn’t “official” (AKA not all over Facebook). When enough people start telling you something is weird about your relationship, you start to believe them. Hearing from all of you that there is nothing wrong with what my boyfriend and I are doing made me feel so much better. He also pointed out to me recently that this is the longest relationship either of us has ever been in, so this is new territory for both of us. We might not be the most conventional couple in the world, but we’re both happy. In the end that’s all that matters right? So I’ve decided to stop worrying about May, and focus on how great things are for us now. Once my boyfriend actually knows where he is going post-graduation, we can figure out where, and if, I fit in.Thank you all again!

 
Thanks for the update! Sounds like you’re on a great track. And remember: the only people who truly know what goes on in a relationship are the people in it. Don’t let your friends convince you they know more about what’s going on between you and your boyfriend than you do! If you’re happy, that’s all that matters.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

30 comments… add one
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 27, 2011, 12:21 pm

    Awesome. It sounds like you really took the right advice.

    PS — I might look into finding some new friends if I was you, as yours seem to almost enjoy making you miserable. Pestering you over your relationship for the past three months? Eh, what a bunch of shrill annoying harpies.

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      MsMisery October 27, 2011, 1:48 pm

      Yeah, and people that get that worked up over what’s on or not on FB sound like teenagers at heart (even if they’re 40). GET A REAL LIFE.

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    oppositeofzen October 27, 2011, 12:26 pm

    I’m glad everything is working out! And it’s not weird if your not “facebook official.” My guy and I have been togetehr over 2 years and still haven’t said we’re in a relationship with each other. Good luck!

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      crazymary October 27, 2011, 1:07 pm

      I’m not “facebook official” with my guy and we’ve been together for over 4 years. It is just not important to me. And I officially block any of my friends that do that “honey, I love you more than life” bullshit on their boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s. Since I’ve been on Facebook (I guess about 5 years now…) those are always the couples that end up going down in flames. It’s all for show. Total Nonsense.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster October 27, 2011, 1:35 pm

        Right?! I sometimes wonder who they’re trying to convince with those status updates. But more importantly, they just plain annoy me. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone on FB and thought: “So send him an email!” or “Put the laptop down, turn your head to the left, and TELL him!”

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      amber October 27, 2011, 1:16 pm

      hah yeah facebook still says i’m in a relationship with my now husband. some of my friends mentioned it and i was just like so if it’s not on facebook it isn’t real? now i just haven’t changed it on principle!

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        Shadowflash1522 October 27, 2011, 2:20 pm

        I would hope you are still in a relationship with your husband 🙂

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        amber October 27, 2011, 2:41 pm

        haha! too true, too bad i didn’t think of that when people said something to me 😉

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        honeybeenicki October 27, 2011, 3:23 pm

        I had the same thing happen. We changed it eventually (actually, I think he did), but we got a ton of comments. I think Facebook is just getting to be a bit crazy.

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    GatorGirl October 27, 2011, 12:37 pm

    Oh the joy’s of facebook. My BF and I weren’t “facebook official” until 10 months into our now all but 4 year relationship. Tell your friends to grow up and butt out. Congrats on living in the moment and enjoying what you have now.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 October 27, 2011, 12:49 pm

    Such a sweet update! Glad things are going well 🙂

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    SGMcG October 27, 2011, 1:40 pm

    I’m glad things worked out in your favor LW, but let’s get real here. Your anxiety about your relationship wasn’t necessarily due to the anxiety of potential separation of May graduation, but more than your friends hounding you that your relationship isn’t “facebook official” and questioning if your relationship actually exists. The next time your friends hound you about your relationship not being “facebook official” ask them how THEIR relationships are going. If they’re own romances are troubling or non-existent, that’ll shut them up.

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    atraditionalist October 27, 2011, 1:47 pm

    When I read your letter i didn’t get the sense that it was facebook you were talking about but rather that he wouldn’t call you his girlfriend and you his boyfriend (ie no labels not just “facebook official”). If that’s the case then I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s a good sign-if you would happily be his girlfriend and then only reason you’re not is that he hasn’t asked then you are more into him than he you. A guy who really wants you will want to call you his gf not just a person he’s dating exclusively

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      Ktfran October 27, 2011, 2:02 pm

      I respectfully disagree. If things are good, why rock the boat? Also, why do people feel the need to label things? They mean nothing. It’s actions, not words, that should matter and if that’s ok with the LW, that’s great. I think the LW is showing a lot of maturity and also security in herself and her relationship. LW – don’t let others make you insecure.

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        atraditionalist October 27, 2011, 2:18 pm

        But it’s the ACTION of labellign that matters-there’s always a reason why someone doesn’t want to make it official and that’s usually that they’re holding out for something else. If you’re already exclusive than why not call it boyfriend/girlfriend unless you really don’t see this person as pontential long term material and you want to keep them in this temporary “dating” category because you are having a good time for the moment

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      • Budj

        Budj October 27, 2011, 2:29 pm

        I agree with you. I don’t think it necessary to put your relationship status on fb…that is a divided issue. Some think you are still wanting to advertise as shopping if you don’t have it labeled…others view fb as meaningless. The bigger issue is that they haven’t discussed what their relationship means to them. If she wants to call him her boy friend then there is an uneven footing here if he is holding out on the title….I think that “action” speaks loud and clear.

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        SGMcG October 27, 2011, 2:31 pm

        But the action of labelling already occurred between the couple over the summer when, despite their distance, they still maintained constant contact over email and skype. By demonstrating their committment towards one another, they’ve indirectly labelled that they’re a boyfriend and girlfriend – reading what they do as a couple in the first letter sure sounds like boyfirend and girlfriend to me. Just because they choose not to BROADCAST their label over FB, doesn’t mean that it’s any less valid.

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        atraditionalist October 27, 2011, 2:37 pm

        I never said anything about facebook-I agree that “facebook official” is lame-but I’m talking about calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend-that was the sense I got from the original letter was the problem not that they hadn’t put it on facebook. And if that’s the case there’s a reason why he’s reluctant to call you his girlfriend and that’s probably because he wants to keep his options open.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 27, 2011, 7:53 pm

        I agree with you here. I would be nervous putting that much effort into a relationship only to find out that we weren’t on the same page.

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      • Budj

        Budj October 27, 2011, 3:06 pm

        I would also add that just because a guy is treating you like his girl friend doesn’t mean he isn’t treating 3 other girls like his girl friend too. The lack of labeling I think broadcasts that he just isn’t that into her.

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    atraditionalist October 27, 2011, 2:16 pm

    But it’s the ACTION of labellign that matters-there’s always a reason why someone doesn’t want to make it official and that’s usually that they’re holding out for something else. If you’re already exclusive than why not call it boyfriend/girlfriend unless you really don’t see this person as pontential long term material and you want to keep them in this temporary “dating” category because you are having a good time for the moment

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    atraditionalist October 27, 2011, 2:18 pm

    and i repeated myself when trying to hit the reply button-sorry

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  • mandalee

    mandalee October 27, 2011, 2:20 pm

    Great update LW! I agree with Wendy, you are the best judge of your relationship. Sometimes friends can be biased, project their own fears on you, or just not have your best interests at heart. If you are happy with your relationship right now, then ride it out until you hit May and figure it out from there. Best of luck!

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster October 27, 2011, 1:24 pm

    Happy to hear that you’re following your own path! I know everyone thinks Facebook makes everything in life official, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and we live together, but we’re not listed as “in a relationship.” When we get married I may or may not put that up on FB. And I frankly don’t give a crap if people think that’s weird. You’re not alone! Not everyone thinks that FB is a litmus test for what’s official in life. 🙂

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    Anna October 27, 2011, 2:43 pm

    What a great update! Glad you stopped worrying about what other people were saying and just made it about you and him. As far as being Facebook official, while there is a certain Gen-Y “specialness” about it for some people, it doesn’t make your relationship any more or less real than it is. My boyfriend and I have been together longer than Facebook has been in existence and he doesn’t have an account (although he does lurk on mine all the time checking up on our friends and his siblings!)

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      Anna October 27, 2011, 2:46 pm

      On an unrelated note, loving the ability to edit my comment! Especially since 14-hour overnight shifts apparently have bad effects on my ability to form a proper sentence.

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    MiMi October 27, 2011, 5:30 pm

    Can’t say I like the flavor of (to paraphrase): he’ll decide what he’s going to do after graduation and we’ll see if I fit in with his plans.
    Yuk!! What about YOUR plans and does he fit into THEM?!
    Maybe your friends are uncomfortable with the concept of you being a doormat..

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      6napkinburger October 27, 2011, 6:07 pm

      To be fair, the person who graduates first is really the one “making plans,” making huge life decisions and usually changing location, while the younger person still has another year, isn’t really making any big changes and generally stays in the same location. So it makes sense to consider how the younger, stationary person will fit into the plans of the older, mobile person.

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    AKchic October 27, 2011, 7:30 pm

    Facebook? Seriously? It took me and the current SO a little over three years to finally change our statuses to “in a relationship” on facebook. And that was AFTER we’d been living together and our son was almost 2 years old. If you’re considered “unconventional”, I wonder what I am?

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    College Sweetheart October 27, 2011, 11:50 pm

    Thanks everybody! This couldn’t have gone up on a better day since I got another “why aren’t you facebook official?” lecture today. I’m just trying to tune it out, my whole life doesn’t have to be online after all. And it feels so nice to have tabled the topic of our future until he gets into grad school/gets a job offer. Things will just get complicated if he has to move away, since I’m staying put for another year or two.

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