It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Concerned Sister,” a woman in her 20s who still lived at home with her single mother and brother who is also in his 20s. She wrote in after finding “unconventional porn” on her brother’s computer and worried that it could be a symptom of something greater. Everyone told her to chill out (and mind her own business), but keep reading to see if she had reason to worry.
Oh man, I’m not sure if I even want to re-open this mess of an issue. However, fortunately, I have a good update. I decided to back the f off, chill out, and let my brother live his life, not judge his choices, or even worry about him. He moved out in January, and we didn’t talk for about eight months. This really hurt our mom, but he and I needed the space to let the tension settle and anger dissipate. During that time, it seems he pulled himself together. He is more responsible, got a job not working for the family, and the nasty attitude has disappeared. He stopped drinking and is taking care of himself – he’s lost close to 30 lbs. He has a very sweet girlfriend whom he believes is “the one.”
I never brought up the weird stuff I found on his computer, and I won’t as I don’t feel it’s my place. Plus, I’m pretty ashamed of my actions there. We’re not close, but we’re not angry or resentful of each other anymore. We can spend quality time together and enjoy each other’s company.
Also, to clarify a point: while I was living at home, I was footing a lot of the household expenses while my mom started her own business. My brother, on the other hand, was not contributing either financially or with chores while he was there, which was a big reason for the anger I had toward him. However, our mama bird finally pushed him out of the nest and it was the best choice for all parties involved.
Anyways, thanks for the input, DW community! It was the kick to my behind that I needed and provided clarity in an emotionally-charged situation.
Thanks for the update. I’m glad you were able to take the advice to heart and that your relationship with your brother has improved as a result!
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.