It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Conflicted in Love/Hate” who was devastated to learn that, prior to dating her, her boyfriend slept with two sisters and even let her befriend one before letting her know about their past. “If I could go back in time, I would never have chosen a guy that did the disgusting things he did,” she said, but explained that it was too hard to leave now that she’d fallen in love. Keep reading to see how they’re doing now.
I realize that we both aren’t perfect, but no relationships are. All relationships are work, but hopefully the good ones are worth it. I think we’ve both grown a lot and moved forward. I found it interesting that many of your readers immediately jumped on the idea that I was somehow looking for a virgin, or was religious and on some high horse, when my main concern was the fact that he lied about something I had made clear to him was a deal-breaker for me. This makes me wonder if some of the people behind the comments even read the whole letter in the first place. (For the record, I’m not religious whatsoever and don’t follow an organized religion). Also, the girl who he was friends with was not close to me, she was someone I met through him, and my boyfriend himself had resentment towards her due to their situation before we cut her off, so in the end it was actually the best choice for us to heal. I have enough good friends in my life where I don’t need to be friends with someone who slept with my boyfriend and who makes me uncomfortable.
The situation we were in at the time was toxic; there were many factors there and we’ve done our best to leave those factors behind and move on together. I think we are both in a healthier place now and are in a better environment than we were then. The thing is, everyone is different. Some people don’t care at all about their partners’ past, others do. Some people are cool being friends with a partner’s ex and others aren’t. I don’t think one way or another is better, and I don’t know why I was judged harshly when I happened to be uncomfortable with that particular situation.
So that’s the update. We are still together and we love each other a lot. Our relationship isn’t perfect; I know that he’s done things I don’t agree with or necessarily understand, but we have a good relationship now, and so I guess I am just taking it from there!
— Formerly conflicted in love/hate, currently not in hate anymore
Thank you for your update! Glad to hear you’re doing well and were able to work through the issues that were bothering you.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.