Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Crushed” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Crushed,” who wrote in back in May about having a crush on a guy with a girlfriend, whom she’d been friends with a couple months. She knew she needed to MOA, but worried that cutting contact with him without explaining why would make him sad, given their friendship. Keep reading to see how she settled things.

I did take part of yours and the commenters’ advice, sticking by my original hunch that I should not tell him, and I don’t know why I was thinking I should. I realized I had nothing to gain by doing that, not to mention I’ve never met his girlfriend and didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with her should I ever meet her. I still haven’t said anything to him, and he doesn’t seem to have any clue that I liked him to begin with.

However, I couldn’t take the advice about cutting him off. I want to work in his career field, and wanted to before I developed my feelings for him. We’re in a field where networking is crucial to success and finding jobs, especially the first job in the field, and we originally met because he was, and still is, supporting my career goals. Since we could end up being colleagues at some point, which means I would have to talk to him, I have to maintain a professional relationship with him. I’ve never believed in putting my career before a man anyway, so a professional relationship is something I could be happy with.

I realized recently that I should consider myself to have a great mentor in my career, and even though his girlfriend is lucky to have a great guy, I know I’m lucky too, just in a different way.

As far as my personal life is concerned, I still haven’t found a guy to date yet. I am going to the gym 2-3 times a week and doing online dating, but I’m also trying to live my life and find ways to be content without a boyfriend. I try to have the attitude that if a guy comes, he comes, but if he doesn’t, that’s OK too.

Thanks for all your help, and I’m so glad I could move on!

 
Thanks for the update!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

44 comments… add one
  • avatar

    tbrucemom August 9, 2012, 1:36 pm

    I think the LW did the right thing and who knows, maybe some day down the road the guy maybe single and she could see what happens then. I do hope though she’s not subconciously not being with someone else because of her feelings for him.

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    SiSisodaPop August 9, 2012, 1:37 pm

    awesome update

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    Lindsay August 9, 2012, 1:41 pm

    I liked this update. We do a lot of telling people to MOA, and I think this is a reminder that moving on means different things to different people. You don’t always have to cut someone out of your life. Sometimes just knowing that you’re moving on or changing your behavior in other ways is enough.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 1:43 pm

    Wait so how often do you see this guy? I don’t know how you continue to see him if you have feelings for him without dying inside.

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      Taylor August 9, 2012, 2:20 pm

      For reals? It’s sounds like she’s got a pretty good handle on her feelings.

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        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:08 pm

        Well, ok, not literally dying inside. But the LW had/has major feelings for an unavailable guy and the update was that she decided not to tell him. I get that. It sounds like she made the right choice for a number of reasons. But now what about her feelings? If she has to continue to see him every day, then that’s gotta…. feel like dying inside. No? So I was just wondering how she is handling / going to handle that part? I for one have to remove myself from seeing the guy. Otherwise I’d just fall more and more and more in unrequited lurve with him. So, in short: I’m not saying she has handled things welll, I’m just asking how she is going to handle the “still having feelings for a taken dude” thing. If she still has feelings for him, that is.

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        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:12 pm

        * I mean, I’m not saying she hasn’t handled things well or doesn’t has a good handle on *that* part of the dilemma. …. But, yea, her feelings, just wondering.

        This update got me thinking about the engaged guy I had a crush on — the one I deleted from FB and then admitted to having a crush on when he came around asking if I had deleted him. .. I looked him up on FB and his profile picture is new. Sigh.

        New rule: if *facebook* is mentioned in the description of your relationship problem, you have to just automatically move on.

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      • avatar

        cporoski August 9, 2012, 4:57 pm

        I love your Facebook rule.

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      • avatar

        Taylor August 10, 2012, 11:03 am

        Good rule, and good explanation 🙂

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      • avatar

        Lindsay August 9, 2012, 5:00 pm

        I have a guy who was a romantic prospect turned FWB with whom I’m in the process of becoming “just friends.” I know everyone’s different, but at least for me, there are a lot of other factors that go into my anguish over having feelings for someone unavailable. I’d be doubly sad if I were not only being rejected, but also not allowed to hang out with one of my closest friends. I had a similar situation in college where I had a huge crush on my best guy friend and eventually had to accept that nothing was going to happen. Looking back, his friendship was an important part of my senior year, and I’d be sad to have missed it. This does not go for exes, though. I unfortunately (fortunately?) burn a lot of bridges in that regard.

        That’s just me, though, and I don’t expect anyone else to look at it the same way. And the LW may find out down the road that she’s not OK with this setup.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle August 9, 2012, 2:44 pm

      Actually, I’m kind of with Addie Pray. Did she actually limit her friendship to being only professional, or is she just defining it that way now for our benefit? Is she still seeing/talking to him as much as she previously did?

      It does SOUND like she has a handle on her feelings, but that’s partially due to the fact that they’re never mentioned. Not to be hard on this girl– it’s just that I’ve been in her position & part of me feels as if she could just be expertly masking that whole “dying inside” thing.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:04 pm

        WFS.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 9, 2012, 3:32 pm

        Yayy, I got a W_S!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 10:31 pm

        New rule (I’m big into rules these days): Each time you start a comment with “Actually, I’m kind of with Addie Pray,” or something along those lines, you get a WFS. 🙂

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    • avatar

      bethany August 9, 2012, 3:31 pm

      I was *in loooove* with a friend of mine during college- I told him, he said he just wanted to be friends. I waited a few more years and told him again- same answer as before. We hung out multiple times a week, and he was one of my closest friends. All that time I was in love with him. We were just friends for about 5 years before I finally actually only had “just friends” feelings for him. It was AWFUL. There were many a drunken journal entry about that one, let me tell you!!

      It’s horrible to just be friends with someone you have feelings for. I wish the LW much luck.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger August 9, 2012, 1:50 pm

    Yay!

    And my own update, considering I was clearly having a slow work day that day, is that I never wrote a letter. I’ve heard from him occassionally and I included him on my mass “I’m moving” email but that’s it. And I don’t think about him anymore, so that’s good!

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:15 pm

      ha, i commented a lot on that letter too. and this update made me go back and look up the engaged guy i stopped talking to back when the letter came out. and i have since learned: he has a new FB profile pic. it kind of makes me sad. like, wow, a new profile picture and i didn’t even know about it. it’s like he has a whole new life. without me. not that he ever had an old life WITH me.

      still. i hate change.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:16 pm

    LW, parton me for a second. I wanna see if I can get “Addie Pray” to monopolize the “recent comment” section

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:17 pm

      i just need 5 more comments and that’ll do the trick.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:18 pm

        Anyhoo, LW, if you see this guy every day or at least often, how are you going to handle your feelings?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:19 pm

        You guys, I published an article on Girls in the Chicago Law Bulletin. It was my third column. My mother was so proud! I can only imagine what Wendy’s Mom thinks of Wendy’s blog and gazillion followers.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:19 pm

        Two more.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:21 pm

        There. All Addie Prays in the right-hand column. See, kids? If you dream big, big things can happen!!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:22 pm

        Now, no one comment on this blog for the rest of the day.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 9, 2012, 3:22 pm

        WHOO! Congrats.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 9, 2012, 3:23 pm

        Oops, I ruined it. I really only meant to congratulate you, though. Dang it.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 3:25 pm

        Damnit, Cats, you shat all over my art!

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      • Budj

        Budj August 9, 2012, 3:25 pm

        TWICE!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 9, 2012, 3:38 pm

        But I saw it first. And I loved it because it was Addiesome. Addieful? Awesome and wonderful, Addie-style.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 9, 2012, 3:39 pm

        Excellent use of “shat,” though. You just wanted an excuse to talk about poop.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 10:33 pm

        Addilicious!

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy August 9, 2012, 3:47 pm

        A day without Addie is a sad day, indeed. Glad to see you all over it today.

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 9, 2012, 3:58 pm

        I take partial credit for this because I forced her out of bed for a 6am spin class

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 10:39 pm

        It’s 9:40 pm now and I am about 10.5 seconds away from deep sleep. I had such a great day today, MG – thank you for making me get up and on a bike at 6 am. Btw, I jotted down everything I ate today like you told me to… And holy hell I can see where maybe I could cut out a burrito here or there and be better off … We can talk later. Muah!

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl August 9, 2012, 11:22 pm

        I so wish I went to pizza with you. I sat and watched Olympics then decided to scrub the tub and take a toothbrush to the nooks and crannies. BF played video games.Oh well. Fish fry tomorrow @edgewater lounge. U must come. I promise to hike with you.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 9, 2012, 10:34 pm

        Not gonna lie, Wendy’s comment made me so excited I think I peed a little in my pants! Anybody would do the same, I know it.

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  • avatar

    The LW August 9, 2012, 3:32 pm

    Hi, guys! I’m the original LW, and I don’t have a ton of time right now to get lengthy, but I thought I’d do the best I could to answer some concerns.

    Addie-I don’t see the guy everyday. We live two hours apart. He’s from my hometown, but as I mentioned originally, he had to move for a different job. We don’t even e-mail everyday…we talk I’d say every few weeks, so like 1-2 times a month.

    Fabelle-I’m not really “dying inside” anymore. For me, moving on meant getting a handle on how I became connected to this guy in the first place, which was me seeking career advice and seeing him at some functions. I didn’t come to him because I wanted a boyfriend or even just a new friend. Although I will say that small talk just naturally gets into our conversation, stuff like “how’s your summer going?” if that makes sense. He’s a really friendly person, so being all professional, all the time isn’t how it works, but that was how things started and mostly are today. And for me, it meant remembering that.

    Also, I realized that me and his girlfriend are two different types of people. Based on my impressions of her (I’ll be honest; they only come off Facebook since I’ve never met her), she definitely has some traits that I do not have and wouldn’t be able to give to him if he were available. My one friend reminded me that I’m my own person, and this girl is her own, so I had to accept that.

    I have to run, but I’ll check back here if anyone has more questions and answer as quick as I can.

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    • MaterialsGirl

      MaterialsGirl August 9, 2012, 3:59 pm

      definitely more doable when it’s not an every day thing. Sounds like you have a good handle on it and I commend you for doing things to make yourself happy/better etc.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle August 9, 2012, 4:30 pm

      Thanks for the response! Yeah, it sounds like you’ve found a way to manage your feelings & I’m sure it definitely helps that you guys only really talk once or twice a month. When I was in a similiar situation, the dude was seriously around ALL the time. Whenever I thought my feelings were under control, they suddenly… wouldn’t be anymore. So it seems like you might be in a good spot– good luck with everything!

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  • Lyra

    L August 9, 2012, 4:27 pm

    This is a great update. LW, it appears to me as though you were very level-headed in your decision, and that’s awesome! Trust me, you’re doing yourself a favor. If you told him about your feelings, I’m betting your relationship with him (and with his girlfriend if you ever meet her) would change. The dynamic of the friendship would just be totally different.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 9, 2012, 11:11 pm

    This update is so calm, so reasonable and so rational…

    It’s just — boring!

    Where are the heated denials that she’s been woefully misunderstood?
    Where are the INSANE yet somehow forgotten details now brought forward to prove her point?
    Where is the snide I know better than all of you tone? Where? Where?! WHERE?!?!?

    LW, you majorly disappoint me here. And many others, I imagine!

    Sorry, but I simply have nothing else to say! 😉

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    • MaterialsGirl

      MaterialsGirl August 9, 2012, 11:23 pm

      Upon my word, BGM speechless!? Someone deserves a gold medal. Hope for the world

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    • avatar

      The LW August 10, 2012, 12:34 am

      I’m so sorry I disappointed you! I promise that if I ever write in again, I’ll try to be more entertaining and dramatic. 😉

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 10, 2012, 1:49 am

        And irrational! How dare you not be utterly irrational? 😉

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