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It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Different Light Needed,” the 25-year-old student who’d been dating a 40-year-old guy for a couple weeks and was a little concerned that he seemed only interested in her in a sexual way.
I was overwhelmed with all of this at once and didn’t answer for a while. I wasn’t sure whether to be happy or sad. I said I understood and felt happy, thinking he was testing me to see whether I would be that “one” for him. I drove home thinking everything was great.
He went away on a work trip the next day, and that was the last I heard from him. It’s been a week, and nothing. Do I deserve a reason as to why he stopped contacting me all of a sudden? Or should I just send him off to the island of lost men? He said the age difference wasn’t a problem, so I don’t know what to think. And I keep going over it in my head, trying to find out where I went wrong — aside from sleeping with him too soon and all, which I kick myself for.
I’m so hurt and confused as to how so much happened between us but he could just ignore me all of a sudden and not say a thing. And no, it’s not my first relationship. I was in a serious relationship, lived for 6 years with a guy who cheated on me, and have dated on and off since for a few years before meeting this guy. I guess when I said this is the best relationship I’ve been in [after a few weeks], I mean that he has the qualities I like in a guy. I want something serious, but now his lack of commitment is showing. What should I do?
Oh, for cricket’s sake! He is not interested in you! I’m sorry. I know rejection stings. Trust me, I know. But you aren’t doing yourself any favors trying to justify his behavior or calling it a lack of commitment. (You’ve known him a few weeks! It’s not a “lack of commitment” after a few weeks; it’s a “lack of interest.”). He’s not interested in you, and what he was trying to tell you is that he enjoys your company but not anywhere near enough to, like, actually date-date you in a serious way — which is why he says he just wants a casual relationship with you — but he’s at a point — so he says — where he actually might want a more-than-casual relationship with the right person. But you aren’t the right person. He’s been trying to let you down pretty easy. Let him let you down easy and just MOA. Sure, if that means “sending him off to the island of lost men,” go for it, though I believe his ship already sailed off in that direction when he left for his “business trip.”
And look, you sleeping with him early on has nothing to do with him not wanting a serious relationship with you. It really doesn’t. I’m not saying you should just sleep with every guy you meet or whatever, but you should definitely not beat yourself up about sleeping with this guy, or about sleeping with someone else early on if you feel like it. There are plenty — PLENTY — of happy, committed relationships that began with pretty quick sex. I don’t mean the sex was quick — although, I guess it could have been; I just mean that many people have sex shortly after meeting/starting to date someone and then go on to have very long, happy relationships (they even, gasp, get married and have kids sometimes!).
I don’t know why this guy wasn’t interested in you for a serious relationship, but he wasn’t. It really doesn’t matter why. What matters is that he’s not the right guy for you and you need to MOA. This isn’t about anything you did “wrong.” This guy just wasn’t the right one for you. And that should be confirmed by how little interest he showed in getting to know you. The right guy will want to know who you are — what you like to do, what your passions are, where you come from, where you want to go. And if a guy isn’t interested in these things, guess what? It’s not that you aren’t right for him; it’s that he isn’t right for you.
You’re 25. You’re going to meet other guys. You’re going to meet some who like you more than you like them. You’re going to meet some who make your heart pitter-patter. And, sometime, you’re going to find someone who not only makes you feel something — he’s going to be a match for you. And it won’t matter when you sleep with him (or don’t sleep with him), because things will line up in such a way that the universe will be practically pushing you together. This isn’t that guy. And he’s not worth any more of your energy. It’s time to MOA.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.