Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Dinner Date Dilemma” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Dinner Date Dilemma” whose boyfriend of two months refused to have dinner with her parents while they were in town. I called out the guy for sounding young and immature but many of you said that two months was way too early to meet the parents and he was right to refuse. (I still stand by my initial response, by the way. If parents happen to be passing through town and invite you and your new significant other out for dinner, and s/he refuses, that’s a red flag in my book). Anyway, a happy update after the jump.

Thank you so much for your advice and the advice of your readers. (I laughed out loud when you guessed our ages, because we aren’t that young – I’m 26 and he’s 31, so youthful immaturity was no excuse for him.) Fortunately, I have a good update. I should probably point out that I grew up in a small town where everyone knew everybody, so this is the first time I’ve had to introduce a boyfriend to my parents that they didn’t already know, and that’s partially why I really didn’t think it was a big deal. It also wasn’t my idea to do the dinner, and I was trying to keep my parents happy since they really wanted to meet this special guy in my life.

After our initial discussion about him refusing to meet my parents, we didn’t speak for two days, and it sucked, but I told him his choices were to either go to dinner and get over it, or find something else to do that Saturday while I was gone. He found something else to do. I explained that it wasn’t so much that he was hesitant to meet my parents, but that he wouldn’t shut up with the reasons why it was a bad idea — I get it, let’s drop it and move on already! He apparently had an ex cheat on him right after introducing her to his parents, so he hasn’t introduced anyone to them since or met anyone else’s parents.

We agreed to not let this be a big deal after he apologized and I figured he’d meet them eventually. Two weeks after this argument he told me he loved me for the first time, and a week after that, he took me to his nephew’s birthday party where I met his parents and grandparents. I didn’t make a big deal about it even though I was nervous. They were great and we had fun at the party. We recently decided to go on a vacation and our trip would take us through my hometown, so I told him that we should really stop in and say ‘hi’ to my parents on the way to our cabin, and he agreed! So, the BF met my parents last week and he survived! They like him and he likes them, and we’ve made it to four months. Things are going well, and I appreciate all the words of support and advice from you and the readers. — Dinner Date Dilemma – Solved!

 
Wonderful update, thanks!
 
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

21 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Valerie July 6, 2011, 12:13 pm

    I’m glad to hear such a great update, but this struck me as weird:
    “Two weeks after this argument he told me he loved me for the first time, and a week after that, he took me to his nephew’s birthday party where I met his parents and grandparents.”

    So in all of 14 days this guy went from not being ready to meet your parents and actively ditching out of dinner with them to telling you he loved you, and 7 days later took you to meet HIS parents and grandparents? So what changed in that 21 day time span??

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      NOLAGirl July 6, 2011, 12:19 pm

      I figure the guy realized he was being paranoid and realized how silly it was, got over it and put on his big boy pants.

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      • Budj

        Budjer July 6, 2011, 12:22 pm

        beat me to it.

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        Valerie July 6, 2011, 12:41 pm

        “Big boy pants.” I love this term 🙂 Yeah, this is kind of what I was thinking too. It just struck me as odd that he changed his tune so quickly after he “wouldn’t shut up with the reasons why it was a bad idea.” But I’m glad he did and that things are going so well now!

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    • Budj

      Budjer July 6, 2011, 12:21 pm

      Maybe he realized that ditching out of dinner and holding things an ex-gf had done to him against his new gf was stupid and that inviting her to one of his family gatherings was a way to show her that he was ready to move forward and taking the relationship seriously. Hindsight is 20/20? Completely speculative.

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        Marie July 7, 2011, 12:55 am

        I agree.It’s like when people say things like “I’ve been hurt before”,which they then think justifies them acting like jerks in their current relationships.Uh,everyone has been hurt before,it’s called LIFE.You get over it or learn to deal with it and move on.You don’t hold it against everyone.

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      sarolabelle July 6, 2011, 12:24 pm

      yeah, I say those are red flags too….

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        SpaceySteph July 6, 2011, 12:49 pm

        With you Valerie and sarolabelle, so purple thumb away.
        I would be pissed if my boyfriend skipped an opportunity to meet my parents, since they live far and don’t visit often (which seems true for the LW too)… then turned around and invited me to meet his parents 3 weeks later. Because his parents live closer he gets to solely dictate the speed the relationship will progress? I call bullshit.

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    TheOtherMe July 6, 2011, 12:16 pm

    Such an positive update, thanks LW and good luck !

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  • avatar

    El July 6, 2011, 12:42 pm

    “Sorry sweetie, I’d love to do dinner with your parents, but my ex cheated on me.”

    Really? Are you 100% sure this guy is over 30? I’m glad he got over it and everything, but seriously? Any man who allows a shitty ex to continue to affect his actions and decisions in a new relationship is nothing but an immature child in my book.

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      MsMisery July 6, 2011, 1:36 pm

      That’s what I was thinking! Like meeting the parents is now code for OMEN OF DOOM. And I had an ex that held everything his ex ever did over my head, from how often she shaved her legs to not changing her last name when they married to what color cell phone she had. That shit got old FAST.

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    • avatar

      AKchic July 6, 2011, 1:55 pm

      So he’s chronologically over 30, mentally still in his teens?

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        El July 6, 2011, 2:51 pm

        I might need to see the long form birth certificate with this one!

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    SGMcG July 6, 2011, 12:46 pm

    It’s great to hear that you’ve met his parents and he’s met yours now. Hopefully, this relationship will progress to the point that the parents get to meet each other. Good luck LW! Let’s hope he won’t wuss out then. 😀

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      SpaceySteph July 6, 2011, 12:51 pm

      Hee… my boyfriend of just over a year wants our parents to meet at Thanksgiving. I’m so excited… because to me THATS a big step; meeting each other’s parents is nothing compared to them meeting each other!

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        MissDre July 6, 2011, 1:26 pm

        That’s awesome! I hope I get to that point with my boyfriend sometime in the next year. Good luck!

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        SpyGlassez July 6, 2011, 1:47 pm

        My parents and my bf’s parents met when my roommate and I moved up here to move in with him. It was an…interesting first meeting…but we have since done a dinner together with all of us and that went well.

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        SpaceySteph July 6, 2011, 4:17 pm

        Our parents almost met 4 months ago… before we hit our 1 year mark, even. They were both coming to town at overlapping times, and we thought there was no way all 6 of us could be in the same city and not have a meeting.
        It was a little early but my wonderful boyfriend and I were ready to take it when the opportunity came. As it turned out his parents needed to move their trip due to unrelated issues and so they missed my parents trip by a few days.

        I guess it just surprised me most about the LW’s story that her bf was so unwilling to take the opportunity when it presented itself, instead he went out of his way to avoid the situation.

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    AKchic July 6, 2011, 1:59 pm

    Good update.

    My 2nd ex-husband finally met his girlfriend (of a year now)’s parents last weekend. We’re trying to plan the first Skype video-conference so she can meet the kids.

    I asked him when he’d be introducing her to his parents. We both laughed. His parents are, well… quirky, to put it mildly. Nobody is ever good enough for Mom. Mom wants to pick out the paramours of her sons, and unless they hang on her every word and kowtow to her, she doesn’t want them around. Dad is a sweetie though. Shy, quiet, etc.

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    • MissRemy

      Ally July 6, 2011, 6:41 pm

      I don’t understand the purple thumbs here?

      It’s nice to hear about other people who can get on with their ex-partners. Mr.Ally has a son from a previous relationship and we get on really well his mother. In fact we’re going to her wedding this weekend! It’s one big, happy family where their son and his half brother get love and support from their parents, soon to be step-father and myself. Some people consider our situation really weird, but it works for us.

      Do you live far away from your ex?

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    Flower White July 12, 2011, 11:20 pm

    Naw. I still don’t think it’s cool that he didn’t want to meet her parents!

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