Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Downhill Sex” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. Today we hear from “Downhill Sex” who write in last week about her frustration with her boyfriend for not initiating sex anymore. After the jump, she clarifies a little about her situation.

Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I was not expecting the harsh response I received from readers. I would like to clear up a few things please. First of all, I am a 26-year-old hard-working lawyer — not a young, lazy person who skates by on her looks as some of your readers suggested. I was molested as a ten-year-old child and come from a religiously strict immigrant family. Sex is not something that I have EVER been comfortable with and I am VERY shy in bed and I feel foolish trying to be sexy in the bedroom. I have never watched a porn to see how it is done. From speaking to my friends I do know that men like girls on top and I have attempted that position before and it was painful and uncomfortable for me as was doggy style. I was told by my gyno that my cervix is upside down and I may experience pain during sex depending on position and the size of my guy.

Anyway, I did not know it was necessary to mention all of that. The crux of my question was: how can someone as sexually clueless as me BETTER the situation? I did not know I would be perceived as a selfish, conceited bitch who did not love her fiancé. I do love him and I have been providing financially for him in a myriad of ways. I just need help in the sex department. As far as bringing up the bit about my looks and past boyfriends — well, that was to get the point across that I am clueless about what the issue is because I have never had to deal with lack of enthusiasm from a boyfriend. I can admit that I have a selfish nature and it is something that I am actively working on, but that is not all of me.

I am hurt by some of the responses but more than anything I have learned from them.

 
Thank you for the clarification. The added information does change the message of your letter to an extent, but part of why you feel misunderstood is because you did not ask how you could better your situation — if you had, I’m sure you would have gotten a much different response from readers!; you asked why your boyfriend wasn’t initiating sex anymore and whether he might be gay — entirely different questions, wouldn’t you say?

To answer the question about bettering your situation, the key is communication. You don’t have to watch a porn to “see how it is done.” You just have to communicate with your fiancé not only about your physical and emotional discomfort when it comes to sex (so he understands that he is not the reason you are hesitant to initiate things), but also what he likes and how you can work together to please both of you. If you’re truly willing to put in the effort, that’s half the battle. Communication, creativity, and compromise will take you the rest of the way.

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

76 comments… add one
  • avatar

    camille905 July 19, 2011, 12:11 pm

    Yeah it was necessary to mention all your issues because otherwise you came off as a selfish whiny bitch. At no time did you present yourself as someone who was “clueless” and wanted to better her situation….I would suggest maybe a little in depth discussion with friends (if you have any that you feel close enough to to discuss such things). Most of us have a friend that has no qualms discussing their sex life and sex in general. Also maybe take a look at The Joy of Sex or other similar books that you could maybe look at and discuss with your boyfriend for ideas or suggestions.

    Wendy is right- communication is key. If he doesn’t know it makes you uncomfortable or hurts, he may just think YOU’RE not interested in HIM and that’s why he’s not initiating sex.

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      SpaceySteph July 19, 2011, 12:34 pm

      Idk if it was neccessary to mention her history. I think it was just the “is my fiance gay” comment that got us all on the wrong track. Whether you want to tell us your whole life story or not is your business, but when you KNOW that the problem is you having intimacy issues and pain during sex, why make it seem like you don’t understand the problem.
      A simple “I am clueless about sex and want to know how to make my boyfriend feel more interested in me” would have been enough to get the answers you were looking for.

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      Callifax July 19, 2011, 1:03 pm

      This is something that often bugs me when LWs write in with updates. Often times, they are upset by harsh criticism and say “Oh but I didn’t mention factors X, Y and Z”…factors which totally change the context of the letter. We only have the LWs words to go on. If we are given sparse details and unclear questions, how else can we respond? I implore future writers to reread their letters and be sure that they are CLEAR and thorough – otherwise, you may get a more critical answer than you were looking for.

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        HmC July 19, 2011, 1:22 pm

        I don’t know. These are just people with problems, not professional writers. Plus they’re caught up in confusing issues and often don’t seem to know what answers to even ask for. In a short little letter, it’s obviously impossible to include *every* detail and nuance of someone’s life story or relationship. I can imagine that it’d be hard to know exactly what details are relevant and what details can be left out.

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        camille905 July 19, 2011, 1:45 pm

        Um, being from a background that doesn’t discuss sex (strict and religious) and being molested are a bit more than “nuances”

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        MasterKat July 25, 2011, 3:42 am

        If you were molested, how willingly would you share that information with the Internet?

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        camille905 July 19, 2011, 1:43 pm

        Exactly!!!

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    • avatar

      MasterKat July 25, 2011, 3:40 am

      I don’t think she should bring this up with a friend. You forget that most of us (I assume) were not molested as children. If a friend disclosed that to me I would advise she get professional help. Therapists know how to deal with this kind of trauma far better than any laymen does.

      And while your last 2 lines were sound advice, you didn’t need to rehash what an awful whiny b*tch you thought the LW was initially. Apparently part of the problem is that she doesn’t communicate effectively in general, but there are better ways to go about pointing that out. Considering the past history she just revealed, insulting her (even if it’s just the way her previous letter made her come across) in such a way is a little tasteless.

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  • avatar

    anonymous July 19, 2011, 12:12 pm

    Does he know about your molestation experience? If so, how and when did he find out? Was it related to the tapering off of sex on his side? Could he be feeling awkward about that?

    Also, how much does he know about/understand your upbringing and how it relates to your sexual feelings now?

    Do you let him see you naked, or is there a “lights off, under the covers” mentality? If you’re comfortable with it, why not shower with him? That’s plenty suggestive for most men, and could be very relaxing/soothing for you. It’ll give him the message you’re interested without having to do anything that feels silly or contrived.

    Have you tried giving him a massage (both naked, of course)? That’s another sensual opportunity for you to show him you love him. Could include kisses that you sneak in the side. Also — let him give YOU a massage. Some guys really dig that (gives him a chance to scope it all out) while giving you a treat!

    Good luck!

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't July 19, 2011, 12:24 pm

    Um, LW? You asked what was wrong with your boyfriend, not how *you* could make the situation better.

    There’s a pretty big difference there.

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    • avatar

      Eljay July 19, 2011, 1:34 pm

      AMEN!!! Thank you!

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    • avatar

      MiMi July 19, 2011, 5:57 pm

      totally different!
      you left every important point out of your first letter.
      I feel suspicious.

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    • avatar

      EB July 20, 2011, 8:44 am

      I’m sorry, I call bullshit. I think this “clarification” is more of a thinly veiled guilt trip directed at everyone who responded with less than flattering comments directed towards the LW (aka 99% of the people who commented).

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  • avatar

    Yozi July 19, 2011, 12:28 pm

    I think LW should see a therapist to deal with issues surrounding the molestation. I don’t see things getting any better unless she addresses the underlying problem. Communicating with your fiance isn’t alone going to help you deal with your issues. Sex shouldn’t be uncomfortable. Your history of abuse probably is the cause of this. There are, however, some people that are for whatever reason minimally sexual no matter what. And I have to say that I truly believe that people who are minimally sexual belong with other people who are minimally sexual. Otherwise the person with the small libido is basically holding the person with the stronger libido emotionally hostage. I’ve been in a relationship like this, and I can assure you it is *torture* for the person with the higher libidio.There are plenty of people out there that have very low libidos who want the companionship of a life partner. The problem is they don’t always get matched up with other people with low libidos.

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't July 19, 2011, 12:56 pm

      Seriously. It’s way not fair to be consistently denying your partner. You can get help and get over your hangups or you can leave the person to find someone whose sex drive matches yours, but it’s cruel to be so unaccommodating.

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    • avatar

      Laurel July 19, 2011, 1:39 pm

      “Otherwise the person with the small libido is basically holding the person with the stronger libido emotionally hostage.”

      If you don’t like something about your partner (including sex drive) you can always leave.

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      • avatar

        Yozi July 19, 2011, 1:51 pm

        True, but what I meant was that people with high libidos have feelings too. They can be totally invested in someone emotionally who fails to sympathize with them on this issue. If the person with the non-existant libido treats them like they are a monster or gross for needing sex or if they simply choose to ignore the problem, this is a kind of emotional hostage situation because the person with the high libido feels like the person they love just has them off from love, understanding, and friendship. The person with the low libido needs to recognize their part in the problem otherwise the person with the high libido feels like they are the bad guy and will feel awful about needing to leave. It’s not a kind thing to do to someone you supposedly love that’s all I’m saying.

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      • avatar

        Yozi July 19, 2011, 1:53 pm

        *cut them off from love*

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 19, 2011, 2:52 pm

        It’s also “not a kind thing to do to someone you supposedly love” to expect them to have more sex than they want or are comfortable with to satiate their partner’s high libido, don’t ya think? I mean, if we’re weighing the *torture* here, I’d say that’s more torturous. How tortuous is it for you to go jerk off in the bathroom? That’s what I do. And *torture* is the last way I’d describe it. Yes, I’m that good at it if I do say so myself.

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        Yozi July 19, 2011, 3:49 pm

        Not saying anyone should be forced to have sex when they don’t want to. I’m trying to say that when partners aren’t paired well the low libido person should be kind to the person with the high libido in the sense that they shouldn’t make them feel shame for being who they are. They should make an effort to part on good terms. I’ve seen it happen a lot that the person with the high libido gets villified for not being able to deal with zero to no sex. The low libido person wants to stay together because they are fine with the way things are, and then the high libido person feels like the pressure is on them to breakup with someone they care about, knowing that their partner will be hostile and they will leave on bad terms.

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        Woman of Words September 24, 2011, 10:45 pm

        Couldn’t agree more – it has a serious impact on your self-esteem, wondering if it’s because you just aren’t ggod enough. After 25 years of trying to be better at everything, not just in the bedroom, I’ve finally realised that it’s time to move on and find someone who wants intimacy and sharing in their life.

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    Tristy July 19, 2011, 12:32 pm

    I was one of those people who gave a harsh response. As a friend of mine used to tell me – “I only know what you tell me.” The question you posed in your initial letter is TOTALLy different from the question you are asking now, but I think it also highlight the “cluelessness” that you speak of. I agree with Wendy that communication is key – that goes for any relationship really.

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  • avatar

    honeybeenicki July 19, 2011, 12:35 pm

    I definitely agree with other commenters that LW should seek some therapy regarding the molestation. That may be a key in getting everything in order. You say you feel foolish if you try to be sexy or try something new in the bedroom, but ultimately that may be what YOU can do to make it better, which is what you seem to want to do. There are a ton of options that don’t include different positions. There’s toys, oral, games, videos (even soft porn if you want to ease into it), support groups.

    Also, if you do want to maybe attempt some new positions – there are A LOT of them. Not just a few like the basics you mentioned. I recommend either looking online or asking your gyno what may be more comfortable as far as new positions. Or, get a book and try some. If it hurts, please don’t do it again because it probably can cause damage but in books with 100 different positions, you’re bound to find something that works.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary July 19, 2011, 12:43 pm

      Yeh I agree she should try a book. There are a ton out there! A lot of them are set up as games you can play with your fiance. If you are planning on getting married you need to expect to have conversations MORE uncomfortable than this one about sex. If you can’t talk to him about these issues then you may need to wait to get married. Communication is essential!

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 19, 2011, 1:02 pm

        There sure are a ton. Some I really like are by Dr. Sadie Allison including Tickle Your Fancy (highly highly recommend for LW since it is about learning all about yourself), Tickle His Pickle and Ride ’em Cowgirl.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl July 19, 2011, 12:45 pm

    Aside from the whole “you’re asking a different question now” and “holy-not-telling-us-everything-Batman” aspects of this inquiry, I want to give you some advice on a specific aspect of your letter. I started off as very shy in bed. I still feel ridiculous most of the time when I try something new. I was raised in a very “Don’t Talk About Sex” household, and though I never learned about it in a negative light, my family certainly wasn’t open about it either.

    My advice for overcoming the shyness? Just do it. Seriously, take a hint from Nike. I have personally found a cocktail or two beforehand is helpful, but you could skip that if need be. Ask your boyfriend to tell you something he’d like you to do (starting small), and then make it happen. Once you do it once, it will become WAY easier, trust me.

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    • avatar

      redessa July 19, 2011, 12:59 pm

      If I may add to this, it’s okay to laugh at yourself when trying something new too! You don’t need to be a porn star to have some fun in the bedroom. Laugh together, have fun being goofy while trying something new – it could take some of the tension/awkwardness out of the situation. Then when you’re both relaxed, it’ll turn hot and steamy. It doesn’t have to start out that way though.

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      • avatar

        Quakergirl July 19, 2011, 1:22 pm

        Totally agree. Trying new things– sex-related or otherwise– should be fun. You don’t have to be good at something the first time you try it. Laughing and joking together can not only remove that awkward feeling of not getting it right or feeling out of place, but also add to the bonding experience for you and your partner because it breaks down that veneer of total confidence. Unless you’re secretly a porn star, there are probably aspects of sex where you’re not 100% confident. Letting someone see your awkward/vulnerable side definitely adds to the experience.

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      honeybeenicki July 19, 2011, 1:04 pm

      To add to the asking him what he wants, I think it may be helpful for them both to write down a few things of varying “oh my” factors and exchange them either one at a time or all at once. Pick one day a week or whatever and do one of the suggestions. There are also games that have a bunch of different little cards where you work your way up to certain stuff.

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  • avatar

    Sarah July 19, 2011, 12:51 pm

    I totally feel like I’m reading a response from a completely different LW. You might not have needed to have mentioned your awful experience as a child if you felt it was too personal (but please LW, I hope hope hope so much you are getting therapy!) but I feel like everybody could’ve been way more helpful to you if you had asked how you can get more comfortable with initiating sex rather than what’s wrong with your boyfriend.

    I think we can all give you advice on how to initiate sex that feels good and how to initiate if you’re shy (I’m def guilty of that), but I think by far the most help you will get is from a therapist.

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  • avatar

    Lexie.b July 19, 2011, 1:06 pm

    Clearly you know how to use the internet, try googling positions for people with upside down cervixes, cause I promise you are not the only one.

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  • avatar

    haggith July 19, 2011, 1:09 pm

    yup, this “response” sound as another letter… it’s completely different from the original one. and i agree with the ones that say it’s not necessary to disclose your molestation and your shyness in bed… by only saying you didn’t know what to do to please your guy (and PLEASE, drop the “he might be gay” excuse forever) it is enough. definitely there is a problem of communication; you couldn’t do it with us and seem to to be able to do it wit your fiance. have you talked about those issue with him? i have the hunch that if he knew about your struggles due to the molestation, he would be more understanding and give you more time. however, you said in your letter sex was good at the beginning so you actually didn’t have any problems at all… until he asked you to start it. so i’m kind of confused… maybe i’m wrong so please someone enlighten me

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey July 19, 2011, 12:09 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that you were molested as a child; that can definitely have a big impact on your sexuality as an adult. That said, I think perhaps your best course of action is going to a therapist regularly, if you do not already. A therapist will be able to help you confront what happened to you in the past, overcome it, and help you have a better relationship with sex and with yourself. You would also learn a great deal about how to better communicate with your fiance about everything – not just sex. Good luck to you.

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey July 19, 2011, 12:15 pm

      Something I’d like to add – I stand by what I said in my first comment about you really considering slowing this relationship down and not rushing into a marriage. Especially now that I know you have abuse in your past, I really, REALLY believe that you should wait before marrying your fiance. You’ve never had a relationship with him that wasn’t long-distance. That is absolutely necessary in order to tell if you can spend the rest of your life with someone. You have to know what they’re like in any given situation…and a few months of an LDR is NOT enough time to know what this person well enough to marry them. Please wait until you’ve been in the same location for a year or so before you marry him. You would be SHOCKED as to how much can change in a year in ANY relationship, but especially one that was previously long-distance.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG July 19, 2011, 1:24 pm

    LW, I truly feel for your situation. I do not know how horrible the extent of your molestation was when you were 10, yet as victim of stranger molestation myself when I was 8 (by a stranger at the door while my poor non-english speaking grandfather was nearby too) I can understand how hard it would be to approach a subject that’s supposed to be uplifting when you’ve encountered nothing but trauma from it. It took a lot to recognize that sex can be much more than what that vile pedophile did to me back then, but that’s an individual struggle you probably know about already – just keep trying to overcome from that time and let the child who was victimized back then know that she is not to blame for whatever happened.

    Since sex is such an all encompassing act, I think you owe it to yourself to break it down into different aspects of it that you can easily digest. See a sex-positive therapist regarding your emotional issues that stem from what you experienced from your molestation. Talk to your gyno about how to work with the quirks in your sexual organs for a more pleasurable experience. Share with your partner your fears and expectations regarding sex. I am going to repeat a few sentences of what I wrote to you in my response to your original letter: I also think you owe it to yourself to read up on human sexuality – just to see what’s out there and what may or may not turn you on. No one is asking you to become the next dominatrix or porn star, but keep an open mind and treat it like an adventure with your fiancé. […] Part of being good, giving and game (GGG) is having a thirst for learning about stuff – what your partner likes, what you like, what else is out there and how they all interact. You don’t have to dabble in the full spectrum of kink if you don’t want to, but there’s nothing wrong with a few nuts in your vanilla sex.

    Most importantly, remember that the act of having sex itself is something can be broken down into a manual and improved upon with practice and curiosity. Yet your sexuality is something that is all encompassing and goes beyond what’s happening between your legs. Just because your boyfriend is not initiating as much, it doesn’t automatically mean that he does not find you any less desirable or sexual. However part of your sexuality does mean that you have the permission to act on it approrpriately with those you feel worthy of sharing your sexuality with. If you can’t give yourself that permission to act on it, for whatever reason, you have to work on that relationship with yourself first before you even begin to bring another person into your life.

    Good luck LW.

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  • avatar

    Steelbird July 19, 2011, 1:30 pm

    There is nothing wrong with being shy in bed and asking for help on how to initiate sex. That being said, that is not what you asked in your original letter. You accused your fiance of possibly being gay because he no longer initiated sex. If you want help, simply ask for it. From Wendy, from friends, from family, from your fiance, no one can read your mind, you have to ask. On that note, now that you have asked, I suggest picking up a magazine like Cosmo. Magazines like that often have creative and fun suggestions for things to do with your guy. If you are really uncomfortable going with a new position try some of the foreplay suggestions. If you’re afraid to jump straight in to some of those suggestions do something simply like putting on a sexy costume. Just a little move to show your fiance you are trying will mean a lot to him and as you get more comfortable with some of those little moves you can eventually move on to different things. Just don’t get stuck in a rut. When you find something he enjoys don’t just stop there and assume everything is good again. You need to constantly change things up and try new things. Sometimes something you try might not work, just move on and try something else. You will get there.

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    • avatar

      Morgan July 19, 2011, 2:33 pm

      Generally agree with a lot of this, except the Cosmo bit. Their sex tips can be….well, its hard, I guess, when you have to put out a new “Top whatever things to do with/to your man” every month or two. Especially if the LW hasn’t experimented with a lot of different tricks and tips and doesn’t have the “Cosmo is being absurd” filter on…I remember one time my guy was flipping through one while I was, I dunno, doing my hair getting ready to go somewhere or something, and he just looked so horrified at some of the things Cosmo suggested.

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        Steelbird July 19, 2011, 3:17 pm

        That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought of that. Cosmo popped into my head while I was typing this because that’s the magazine that comes to my door every month but you’re right, I tend to just laugh off their weird suggestions but someone still unsure of themselves wouldn’t know which ones to laugh off and which ones to try. LW, if you do want to look through Cosmo look through it with your guy right there with you and see which things he’s interested in and which ones send him running.

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        Morgan July 19, 2011, 4:18 pm

        And that can be a great way to ease into feeling more comfortable talking about sex, as well. I think looking through it with him is a really good idea.

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        MissDre July 19, 2011, 4:43 pm

        Weird suggestions like “wrap is balls in saran wrap and then humm on them”? Haha I will never forget that one til this day! And I stopped reading Cosmo like 7 year ago!

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  • Budj

    budjer July 19, 2011, 1:39 pm

    Grab his junk and kiss him. Within 5 minutes you will be in the process of getting laid. We don’t need a slow broil.

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    • Budj

      budjer July 19, 2011, 1:40 pm

      Within 1 minute…my b.

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe July 19, 2011, 2:28 pm

        lol !

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  • avatar

    darden July 19, 2011, 1:57 pm

    Fake

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  • avatar

    El July 19, 2011, 1:57 pm

    This “clarification” makes no sense to me.

    Don’t these sound like issues that would have caused problems from the onset of LW’s sexual relationship with her boyfriend? How does it make sense that this all surfaces now…after a year…and only after LW’s boyfriend accuses her of being lazy in the bedroom?

    LW, I hope you consider therapy for your medical and psychological issues. And i wish you the best of luck in overcoming them. But you also can’t be so stubborn that you refuse to take any personal ownership for your intimacy issues. If your boyfriend is telling you that he feel you’re being a lazy lover, than honestly, there’s probably a certain degree of truth to that accusation.

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  • avatar

    sweetleaf July 19, 2011, 2:02 pm

    After reading this update, I went back and read the original letter and something still seems off to me. Just sayin’

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster July 19, 2011, 2:29 pm

      I did the same thing, and didn’t even want to comment because I can’t put my finger on it. As a 26 year old woman who was also molested as a child, I am loathe to call bullshit on things of this nature. I was 19 before I talked about what happened to me because of fear surrounding being believed. But something about the way she ricochetes from “maybe my bf is gay” to “I was molested” is just really, really bothering me.

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        sweetleaf July 19, 2011, 3:18 pm

        Yes, same for me. And I feel she went from the “No man has ever rejected this hot body” to “I was taken advantage” and it just seems strange to me. I don’t know what it is. It’s like one person wrote the original and someone else wrote the update. It’s like, huh?

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      • avatar

        haggith July 19, 2011, 4:51 pm

        asking for sympathy? again, she said sex was fine and plenty before he asked her to initiate it

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    LTC039 July 19, 2011, 1:04 pm

    First off, I’m very sorry to hear that you molested at a young age & comend you for recognizing you have an issue. But the way you worded your original letter was not at all advice for help. I urge you to go back & re-read it. If you want to better your situation, take all the advice we gave you in the original letter & cut out the insults. It’s the same thing, but def. talk to your boyfriend, communication is the most important element in a relationship. Good luck to you.

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  • avatar

    Amber July 19, 2011, 2:10 pm

    The LW’s update makes no sense and now she is mad for us for not answering her new made up question the first time.

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    JennyTalia July 19, 2011, 2:19 pm

    Does this also explain why you refuse to do oral? That’s usually a quick and easy way to make him interested. It’s one of those non-verbal communications that lets him know how much you love him and how into him you are, that you’re doing something for him that you get no physical pleasure out of. Also, see a therapist.

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      LTC039 July 19, 2011, 3:04 pm

      Agreed. As me & my friends were discussing the other night, in the morning, before he wakes up, go down on him. He’ll wake up completely shocked, but really turned on. You’ll be like a goddess. You just gotta do it, don’t really think about it, just think about how much you love him.

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      • Budj

        budjer July 19, 2011, 3:23 pm

        What if he really has to pee?

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        silver_dragon_girl July 19, 2011, 3:28 pm

        That is ALWAYS my concern!

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      • Budj

        budjer July 19, 2011, 3:56 pm

        Haha. Valid concern!

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        TheOtherMe July 19, 2011, 3:28 pm

        it’ll wait 😉

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        Christy July 19, 2011, 6:45 pm

        He’ll stop you and ask you to finish after he’s peed!

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        beans629 July 19, 2011, 7:26 pm

        But you should only finish if he shakes the dew of his lily pad really really well. 😉

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't July 19, 2011, 9:35 pm

        No way, he’s gotta rinse first 😛

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        LTC039 July 19, 2011, 10:31 pm

        That would suck lol… no pun intended 🙂

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        demoiselle July 20, 2011, 9:12 am

        However, you might want to ask for his consent to do such a thing at some point in advance . . . just in case.

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    RMM0278 July 19, 2011, 3:23 pm

    I was also one of the commenters who was a hard on you, but I still stand by what I said.

    Originally, you said, “I am given constant compliments on my physique and appearance by strangers and even my fiancé so I don’t understand why he has lost interest…”

    Are you still wondering why a lot of us called you out for thinking you can get by in life on your looks?

    You may very well be a hardworking lawyer, but if you’re lazy when it comes your relationship then does it really matter? You have issues that are clearly affecting your relationship. Are you going to be as hardworking on this as you are in the office? Are you going to get help? Or are you going to wonder why he lost interest in you despite your looks?

    Wendy is right. What you initially asked was what was wrong with your fiance, not you. Your original question made it sound like you thought HE was the one with the problem, not you. That’s what a lot of us were reacting to and rightfully so. Although you did update us on a lot of extenuating circumstances, I stand by what I originally said.

    You have a lot of work to do. The questions you asked in this letter are a good starting point. I sincerely hope you continue this self-introspection.

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    AnitaBath July 19, 2011, 4:23 pm

    Everyone else has pretty much how the two letters are vastly different, so I won’t go there.

    I’m also kind of confused as to what you mean by an upside down cervix. Nothing from my Googling (not that Google is always correct…) shows that an “upside down cervix” causes complications, but maybe someone else can shed some more light.

    Sometimes girl on top hurts, especially if they are going in too far. It may have nothing to do with the state of your cervix, but instead have everything to do with you psyching yourself out. What if you had your boyfriend start out on top, and then about half way through you switched? The position of the cervix varies, and I can feel my vagina get longer and my cervix move up more once we’ve been having sex for a few minutes (girl on top usually hurts for me at the beginning if I’m not sufficiently aroused). Spoon sex is good. Try having sex on with your boyfriend sitting on the couch and you kneeling on his lap. That way you can vary how much of him you take in at a time better than if you’re just sitting on top of him on the bed.

    The most important thing, LW, is that you have to be willing to try. Your boyfriend isn’t gay, he’s just sick and tired of doing all of the work. I understand you may be uncertain and feel like you don’t know what to do, so tell him to lead you. Tell him you want him to direct your movements and tell him how he likes it, and I guarantee you’ll get better. You also probably won’t feel as weird “taking initiative,” since he’s essentially directing you. It’s a compromise, and hopefully in time you’ll feel more comfortable taking the initiative without his directions.

    Before my current boyfriend, I didn’t enjoy sex that much and had never really been on top. I probably sucked the first few times I was the one on top, but my boyfriend worked with me. The more you practice, the better you get at it. I can now confidently say that I rock it when I’m on top, and am even better at being on top than my boyfriend is now 8) Just don’t be afraid to try.

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    parrt July 19, 2011, 5:45 pm

    Ah its the bimbo who wants to be a passive barbie doll, and thinks men who don’t want to treat her like a goddess/super model are homosexual.

    Molested as a child, thats awful, but don’t take it out on your boyfriend. Go see a therapist. You indicate in your letter that you had boyfriends in the past so you don’t have some kind of relationship phobia nor is being in a relationship NEW for you.

    Go back and read your letter.
    Your fiance should dump you because clearly you only focus on you (history, medical conditions etc) and it is your boyfriend’s “JOB” to love you and make you happy.

    You are a self-centered and conceited b*tch. Acknowledge that right now, and try to become a better person.

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  • katie

    katie July 19, 2011, 6:57 pm

    lw, i was kind of in your situation once. i also had a stupid family that didnt talk about sex or anything associated with it. i started having sex at 16, and i just deeply almost hated my self for doing it. i know i wanted it, but i just knew that it was “wrong” to do, and it totally effected my sex life i had at the time. the major change that I had that totally turned my sex life around was realizing that I was not the one who was wrong, it was my family. my family has a skewed view about sex (in my opinion). and so finally realizing that fact lead me to the fact that I was right about my own views about sex. i like sex and i only have sex with certain people. that is my belief and my philosophy. when i was finally able to be comfortable with my own opinions, i was truly able to enjoy what i was doing, because it was finally what i wanted to do.

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    Red_Lady July 19, 2011, 8:04 pm

    “…I feel foolish trying to be sexy in the bedroom”
    He’s your fiance. If you can’t make a fool out of yourself with him, I don’t have very high hopes for your relationship. Honestly, some of my most memorable sexy times have been when I try to be sexy or try a new move and it just goes completely wrong, causing us to laugh. I think it’s very intimate to be able to laugh with each other during sex. So just try something new. There’s TONS of ideas on various relationship websites. And don’t worry if you screw it up, or it doesn’t turn out as sexy as you thought it would. He’ll love you for trying, and the more you try, the better you’ll get!

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    • avatar

      Caroline July 19, 2011, 10:30 pm

      I totally agree with this! For some reason, every time my bf and I are getting it on, I always end up whacking him in the face or doing something else embarrassing. Well, maybe not EVERY time, but a good majority of the time. You two should be comfortable enough together that you can make fools of yourself around others. Otherwise, why are you getting married, or planning on getting married? He should love EVERYTHING about you, and you should love EVERYTHING about him, too. Or, if you don’t love everything, at least accept what you don’t love. I’m klutzy, but my boyfriend accepts this.

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    robottapocalypse July 19, 2011, 8:35 pm

    Her clarifications make it clear that she understands where the issues are, with her. They also make it clear that she’s not really interested in doing a whole hell of a lot about them, otherwise she wouldn’t have to send letters like that to an online community of judges. Her initial letter still holds, and the harsh advice is still good. She still threw her boyfriend under the buss for not actively pursuing her sexual/emotional hostage-taking exercises.

    Does sexual abuse really make it okay to pass sexual/emotional abuse onward? Does sexual abuse really make it less necessary to confront one’s issues with sexuality before getting into a lengthy, sexual relationship? I think neither is acceptable, even with her background.

    If anything, her background and assertions of her own intelligence prove that she should be doing a hell of a lot more to combat her issues on her own. Her profession of argument makes her manipulation that much more keen. Did anyone else notice how she cowed them into apology for sound advice?

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't July 19, 2011, 9:37 pm

      Gotta agree. Both letters were all “me me me me me”, and nothing about how her fiance works hard to please her in bed, is a good person, respects her etc.

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    Caroline July 19, 2011, 10:49 pm

    If this update is true, I get your issues with sex. My boyfriend that I am with currently is my first actual boyfriend. He is also the first person that I have done anything more than making out with. I am 21….I was a late bloomer. I only had experience with one other guy before him, and that was just one kiss and one make-out session. So when we first started dating, I was really nervous about kissing him because I was afraid I’d be bad, even though I really WANTED to kiss him. Anyways, we ended up not kissing until we’d been dating for 3 months, and we took everything pretty slowly.

    When I gave him my first blowjob, I was really nervous about it. But my friends gave me tips, and I did it anyways. Now, I kind of like giving blowjobs. It’s nice to know that I can please him like that. I think you just have to try new things. I still feel weird about him going down on me, but I’m feeling more open to it now, I guess. I just started watching YouPorn to kind of become more familiar with other positions, even though we haven’t yet had sex.

    I don’t know, even though we’ve been together for a year and a half, sometimes I still feel weird about being sexy. I just never thought I was sexy for so long. People always told me that I was “cute,” and in my mind I don’t really equate cute with sexy. So I feel like guys look at me and see someone who is cute, that they would want to take out to date but not have sex with. I know that sounds like a good thing, and it IS a good thing, but I do like being rough with my boyfriend. I love it when he bites me or when he presses me up against the wall, or when he grabs my ass. I feel like guys may not think I like that, so they may not give me a chance? Sometimes I feel kind of silly when I try to be sexy, but you just have to take it in stride. Force yourself outside of your comfort zone! That’s what I do. I just forced myself to go outside of my comfort zone and I found that I liked it.

    It’s up to YOU, LW, to make yourself more comfortable and fix this problem that you have. It’s not your fiance that has the problem, it’s YOU. And nobody can fix it for you but yourself.

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    Elle July 20, 2011, 1:34 am

    Being a lawyer means you’re competitive, over-achiever, perfectionist, among other things. The few lawyers I know exhibit these characteristics. I think that’s why, when there was a problem in the relationship, the LW was quick to blame the fiance, not herself. Question to LW, do you usually do this, blame other people instead of looking at yourself? I’m not judging, I don’t even know you, just throwing it out there.

    The other commenters gave good advice. About the molestation… I’m sorry you went through that, but the fact that you’ve been in several relationships tells me you don’t have huge issues about it anymore. You trust.your partners, you know they love you and they don’t want to hurt you. It might help to see a therapist though, and it would be best to see a sex positive therapist. I know you’re a freaking smart girl, and you can solve a lot of problems, but you need help with this one.

    About overcoming your shyness… it will take time, so don’t feel pressured to become a goddess in bed overnight. Try to think differently about sex. Do you even enjoy having sex? You don’t mention it in the letter at all, so try to think of sex as an activity that gives you pleasure, not something frowned upon by your parents, or something you have to do to please your boyfriend. Think of sex as something fun. Like other people suggested, push your boundaries. Little by little, try a new thing this week, another one next week. Own your sexuality! Be the sexiest thing on Earth… in your bedroom. Maybe some wine could help lower your inhibitions a little bit. I’m in no way suggesting you get wasted, but a little buzz will definitely help.

    Or maybe think of being a good lover to your fiance the same way you think about your career? You want to be the best at everything, and the only way to get better in bed is to overcome your inhibitions.

    About your physical pain… maybe lube? Try it once, see how it works. As a petite woman, most guys are kind of big for me, and it does hurt sometimes, but I was never that uncomfortable that I could have sex only in certain positions. Maybe set some rules with him, like he can’t go all the way in, only half, or whatever you’re comfortable with.

    Good luck, LW, and remember to HAVE FUN in the bedroom!

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    demoiselle July 20, 2011, 9:02 am

    LW, if you are from a religiously strict family background AND you were molested, perhaps seeing a therapist would be a good idea. Both those can be factors in sexual dysfunction of one kind or another. A therapist can help you work through whatever issues are lingering from that time.

    Some people are doubtless suggesting you watch porn, but I don’t think you should necessarily do that. In my experience, most (not all) porn is geared towards certain kinds of male fantasies (I can’t quite come up with a proper adjective). Anyway, in most porn that you can easily find free online, the women look like plastic dolls and the sex acts look like they are being done to gratify the camera, not the woman. Therefore, porn might not be the best way to explore your own sexuality, expecially if you have a history of molestation.

    When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I learned a lot by regularly reading online sexual advice forums like Ask Isadora (which has changed a great deal since then). You might be able to find a more active version now and by reading and participating get a clearer idea what people are doing sexually out there, what you find sexy, and what you’d be willing to try. Erotic fanfiction (if you have a fandom) might also be good fodder for your fantasies.

    Perhaps just starting with initiating from time to time will be enough to help your fiance feel better and get things going in the right direction again.

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  • Portia

    LA July 20, 2011, 10:06 am

    I wanted to respond to the part about the “my cervix is upside down” part, which I think means you have a retroverted uterus and so your cervix is just in a different place that most women. It might be a good idea to tell your partner this because if he’s been with other women, he might be confused as to why a position that he’s used to wouldn’t feel good. It’s not a totally uncommon thing (my gyno said it’s a similar percentage to left-handed people in the world. Also, continuing in a position that’s even mildly uncomfortable for any period of time is pointless.
    My only advice is once it’s uncomfortable or hurts at all, spin him around and try a new position. I also have a retroverted uterus and missionary is the position it hurts the most in. The others can work, just make sure you position yourself in a way that feels good (for me, that means almost perpendicular for girl on top and him leaning a bit more for doggy style). Don’t give up! Just take your time and ask him to be patient.

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  • avatar

    AKchic July 20, 2011, 1:45 pm

    Being molested doesn’t always mean painful sex for the rest of your life, unless you were severely physically damaged during the molestation. Since you don’t mention the specifics of said molestation (which I wouldn’t expect you to to begin with), I can’t give you advice on how to deal with it (whether fingers, penile, or foreign object penetration).
    It happened 16 years ago. Depending on who it was, the trust issue is always going to be a factor in your life. Therapy may be something you want to look into. You may have recurring bouts of paranoia, trust issues, etc.

    With the cervix issues – with practice and use, you can get used to the penetration and can find it pleasurable rather than painful. I have a feeling that you aren’t very tolerant to pain in that area, probably compounded with your trauma from the molestation at a young age.

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  • avatar

    Skybird July 20, 2011, 6:19 pm

    Oh, letter writer, yes, this information does make a MAJOR difference. I, too, was sexually abused as a child (by a friend of a sibling who was almost 10 years older than me), and this led to several issues for me as well, including being uncomfortable initiating sex (which has led to several arguments between me and my husband). Have you gotten any kind of counseling post-abuse? If not, please try to do so. A sexual therapist might be able to help with both issues. Also, with the physical issue of the cervix, you might want to try speaking with your doctor to see if there is anything that can help with the pain. It’s possible lubrication is a problem, or any number of other things. You might also want to check about having your hormone levels tested if you’re just not feeling in the mood (ever, like me). One other thing – do you take any ‘me time’ for yourself? Just down time where you pamper yourself? Read a book, soak in the tub, get a mani/pedi? Whatever helps you relax? If not, take some time for you. But definitely try with some counseling. It could help. I wish you the best!

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