It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. Today we hear from “Downhill Sex” who write in last week about her frustration with her boyfriend for not initiating sex anymore. After the jump, she clarifies a little about her situation.
Anyway, I did not know it was necessary to mention all of that. The crux of my question was: how can someone as sexually clueless as me BETTER the situation? I did not know I would be perceived as a selfish, conceited bitch who did not love her fiancé. I do love him and I have been providing financially for him in a myriad of ways. I just need help in the sex department. As far as bringing up the bit about my looks and past boyfriends — well, that was to get the point across that I am clueless about what the issue is because I have never had to deal with lack of enthusiasm from a boyfriend. I can admit that I have a selfish nature and it is something that I am actively working on, but that is not all of me.
I am hurt by some of the responses but more than anything I have learned from them.
Thank you for the clarification. The added information does change the message of your letter to an extent, but part of why you feel misunderstood is because you did not ask how you could better your situation — if you had, I’m sure you would have gotten a much different response from readers!; you asked why your boyfriend wasn’t initiating sex anymore and whether he might be gay — entirely different questions, wouldn’t you say?
To answer the question about bettering your situation, the key is communication. You don’t have to watch a porn to “see how it is done.” You just have to communicate with your fiancé not only about your physical and emotional discomfort when it comes to sex (so he understands that he is not the reason you are hesitant to initiate things), but also what he likes and how you can work together to please both of you. If you’re truly willing to put in the effort, that’s half the battle. Communication, creativity, and compromise will take you the rest of the way.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at email@example.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.