Updates: “Dying to Meet His Mom” Responds (Again)
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Dying to Meet His Mom” who was frustrated that her boyfriend of eight months still hadn’t introduced her to his mother, despite her mentioning several times that she’d like to meet her. She updated us once here, and now that it’s been a couple years, she has a new update.
In regards to my relationship with my boyfriend’s family, I have good and bad news on that front. The bad news is that an immediate family member passed away very unexpectedly just as I was starting to get to know her. Obviously it was and still is incredibly devastating. But, my boyfriend and his family kept me extremely close during that difficult time. He kept me by his side every step of the way. The good news is that his mom really likes me, and I really like her too! They are not a very social family so I can’t say I spend all that much time with her, but he’s told me a few times that she would be very, very happy to see us get married and start a family.
So, thanks again Wendy and DWers. This site has been a daily part of my life for over two years now, and I’m really glad to be a part of the community. — Dying to Meet His Mom
Thank you so much for the update and for being part of our community!
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.
Oh I think I know who this is! Yay congrats girl.
haha, me too!
Me too!
Crap, I wanna know! I’m racking my brain here
MissDre?
That was my guess.
Rachel! Should I be freaked out that the forecast for our wedding Saturday has gone from 60% chance of rain on Thursday to 0% on Friday to 10% Saturday to 40% yesterday and now 30% today? Does any of this matter? When should I start panicking? You are in meteorology, right? haha
Crap, now it’s 50%. How does this change so freaking much?!
It changes because they have no idea what the weather is going to do!! Rain on your wedding day is good luck 🙂
It snowed on my wedding day (3 weeks ago)
it rained for 4 solid days at my wedding.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150604845688504&set=a.10150604843618504.484873.651633503&type=3&theater
Trust me, you can handle some rain. Plus, it made for really unique pictures.
Your photos are beautiful! I’m going to buy some umbrellas tonight to do what you guys did.
It rained on my wedding day too and we walked down the “aisle” outdoors with umbrellas.
Haha, it’s kind of far out to know for sure. The forecast will change with each new model run every 6 hours. So the thing is, when it’s something like 50%, that means there will likely be showers around, but it’s impossible to tell exactly where/when they will happen. Sadly the models just aren’t that good yet. It looks like something *will* be passing through the area, but it’s hard to know the timing of it 5 days out. All you can really do is keep an eye on it and plan for good and bad. The closer it gets, the more likely the forecast will be accurate. Is your wedding outside?
Ahh, thanks! It is outside, and we don’t have a backup tent. If it rains, we’ll have to have the ceremony in the pavilion where we’re having the reception, and people will have to sit at their dinner tables. It won’t be the end of the world, but it would have been a waste of money, and I’m vehemently opposed to getting married inside. Oh well though!
Good luck! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
It will work out!!
My parents had the most dramatic wedding ever. It was 40 below zero and so cold my uncle’s car wouldn’t start to be able to pick the only bridesmaid up from the airport. Their wedding cake was frozen solid and couldn’t be eaten. My maternal grandparents boycotted and didn’t go, my Dad had no family there, my Dad’s car also wouldn’t start so he was late to the ceremony, and they’ve been married 33 years. So if it rains bring it on. The sky is just showering you with love 🙂
Ooh, also, one of my friends got lucky and there was a rainbow at her wedding – they got some amazing pictures out of it. So, who knows!
I went to a wedding last summer that was outdoors and it rained through the whole day. They provided umbrellas and it was fine! Some muddy heels won’t ruin anything, unless you let it. The bride seemed to let it bother her, and everyone knew it. I get being disappointed, totally, but try not to let it ruin your day. It seemed to ruin hers, which made the whole wedding pointless in a way. Convince yourself ahead of time that you can handle and love the rain!
I wish we could afford umbrellas for everyone. That would be several hundred dollars at least. But it won’t ruin the wedding at all. To be honest, I don’t really even care that much personally. I like having to do things in a makeshift way. It’s a fun and special challenge that sort of makes it more special. Everyone else will be cranky though, and I bet a lot of people would back out of coming.
If people back out because they can’t handle getting wet while witnessing you say your vows, f ’em!
ps The wedding was at a resort that just had a ton of umbrellas on hand. They didn’t run out and spend a fortune on them. Plus, if your guests don’t know to bring on umbrella on a rainy day, well then, they are stupid enough to deserve to get rained on 🙂
I had an outdoor wedding and refused to move it inside even though rain was forecast that day. It stopped raining an hour before the wedding and everyone managed to get the chairs wiped off. It was beautiful. Besides, it’s supposed to be good luck if it rains on your wedding day.
My guess too :). Regardless, SO happy for her AND this LW!
😉
Yay!
Aww, this is a good update. And it may be period-related, but I got weepy at this part: “Before, I would look at him and think, ‘I love this man, and I really hope we have a future together.’ Now when I look at him I think, ‘I love this man so so much. I know without a doubt that this is the one and only person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I know without a doubt that he feels the same about me.'”
I knew it! We are like sisters…our cycle is the same! (because everyone needed to know that, and its not TMI)
Has anyone else felt this way? Like I said there has been a big shift this winter. As you all know, he finally told me he loves me for the first time. He’s been a lot more affectionate (not that he wasn’t before, he’s just stepped it up), the way he looks at me when we cuddle its like he looks into my eyes and he can’t help but smile, he’s been talking to me about what kind of food to serve at our wedding, we’ve taken a few drives through neighbourhoods we might like to live in to see what kind of houses are there…
Obviously I’m so happy but part of me wonders what sparked this change? Is this a normal part of realizing you want to marry someone? Has anyone else experienced this? No immediate engagement plans yet. Will likely be a while and I’m good with that. I just feel like something has changed, but whatever it is has been amazing 🙂
I’m so happy for you! But I don’t think there are normal timelines when it comes to that kind of thing. As you’ve seen from your own relationship, everyone has their own unique timelines.
I’m not really asking about a timeline… I don’t really care how long it takes. I’m just asking if that behavioural/emotional shift in the relationship is common…. I just sort of feel smitten all over again.
Hmmm well I’m not sure about that. I think every relationship is its own unique little ecosystem, which is sort of what I was trying to say above but failed to expand on. Like, some people know really quickly they want to marry someone and behave accordingly fairly early, some people are like a crockpot and come to the realization super gradually, some people have a lot of doubts but those are due to anxiety and some people have doubts that are due to legitimate reasons… it’s tricky to compare I think. But maybe I’m not the person to ask since I’ve never decided “ok this is the one!” yet.
With you guys you’ve been through a lot with the loss of his sister. Maybe going through that has reinforced for him that you are the one and his behavior has sparked stronger feelings with you as well? In any case, I think that having waves of stronger feelings based on a proven track record of a successful relationship does sound healthy and good.
I agree with HmC. It’s different for everyone. My fiancé and I realized it at very different times in our relationship (think one month in versus a year and a half), and we never even knew it. I also have friends who had that same simultaneous “click” with each other like what you’re experiencing, MissDre. It seemed to add something special to their experience, so I’m really happy for you!
Ours “realizations” were at wildly different points too…mine was super early a yearish or so, his was more like 4 years in. But yes there was a definitive shift from “maybe” to “yes I want to marry you”.
I actually have this feeling periodically resurfacing to deeper levels I suddenly become conscious of every 18 months or so. And we`ve been together over ten years, married eight this summer.
I definitely felt it. I can’t pinpoint when I did, but my thinking shifted from ‘this is a fun relationship and he’s a great guy’ to ‘I am going to spend the rest of my life with this man’ a few months before we got engaged. And we’ve been happily married for almost 7 years now 🙂
Yeah, I know what you’re describing. Here’s how it was for me: in all my other relationships, I would picture us not working out and then I would picture myself being okay with it. Maybe I’d be sad for a while, but I knew that if it happened, I’d be okay. With my last boyfriend (who later became my husband) about two months in (um, yeah, we moved fast), I did that same test and realized, “Oh my God, I would so not be able to pick myself up and move on with relative ease. This kid could break me.” And that’s when I knew that he was different and our relationship was much different than any I’d had before. It’s a good realization, but damn if it isn’t scary.
As time goes by, our future does get more exciting, because the actual chances of having that future do seem more real.
I remember the exact moment when I realized I loved my husband and wanted a life with him (who was then just my friend for years). I literally lost the feelings in my legs and fell. Sometimes life just hits you with the truth.
I totally started feeling that way before I got engaged too. Apparently my husband did as well, and 9 months after the wedding, we’re still in it, so I’m pleased 🙂
I experienced that shift when I got engaged. I knew something had changed, but I couldn’t put words to it, but you described my feelings perfectly! I guess it’s kind of lame that I didn’t experience that change until he proposed, and doesn’t really answer your question as to whether it’s part of the path to marriage, since it didn’t hit me until we did agree to get married. It is a really cool feeling, though, knowing that you have someone that you love and loves you back, and that you’ll always be there for each other.
Nothing changed for me when I got married, it was more like once I had that shift, that was when we really were making the decision to be committed to each other- the rest was all just a formality.
Felt that way when my boyfriend (now fiancee) first moved in after we were together for a little over a year. I remember some of those conversations after we became a household. There was a definite shift. We made decisions together, incorporated the other into our plans, started talking more about the future. That was such a special and magical time for us. I thought then and still think now that it’s a shame it’s a milestone not covered by greeting cards or celebrations. That was a bigger development for us in some ways than the engagement because by the time he proposed, our future together was already very obvious. I remember in the first week after he moved in, we danced in the living room to “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, and Nash. “Our House…. is a very, very, very fine house. With 2 cats in the yard, life used to be so hard. Now everything is easy cause of you.” Now it’s going to be our wedding song 🙂
I think it’s this wonderful place of comfort that happens long after the initial lust. It’s the safe, warm feeling of being truly yourself without pretense and still being loved. There’s something about spending a few years together and realizing, “yeah, it really is this good.” You’d have had enough time to face some challenges, face some boredom, see each other at your best and worst, etc.
Congrats on finding that. In my (long) experience, it is special and rare.
Ok, fine, Jess wins the cutest story award.
YAY!!!! What do I win?! (free honeymoon?!) 😉
I think there is something to that – I know my husband has told me that he knew he wanted to marry me and he wasn’t ready as soon as I was, but when he was ready (last summer) there was a shift and I could sense it.
In my relationship, that shift happened when we decided to actually be in an exclusive, committed relationship. He was ready for a serious commitment almost as soon as we started dating, but I wasn’t until we’d dated about 8 months. But when I was ready to stop dating other people, I was ready to marry him. He was ready a couple months after that, and we plan on getting engaged within the next year. I’d be happy to do it now, but he wants to save up for a nice ring and a wedding first, which has only been possible for the last few months.
Just wondering (not trying to be snarky), but why would you buy a house with getting married, since marriage is in the picture? If you were opposed to the institution and just wanted to be partners, I could see making that commitment together, but if you want to get married and plan to get married, but just aren’t there yet, how do you know you “there” for buying a house? It just seems like suh a huge commitment, and if you’re not ready for the commitment of marriage (that you’re pursuing), why buy the house?
I mean, buy a house *without* marriage
Yeah, I thought that too. It seems like house buying would be a much easier process if you’re already legally joined
I totally get that too, but where I live, people don’t get married… they buy a house. It’s sort of in lieu of being married (legally). Maybe the LW lives in QC too?
We did this – it came down to timing. We were talking about marriage, the house, the kids, etc. but weren’t yet engaged. We knew we wanted to buy soonish and the market in our city is going up, particularly in the neighbourhoods we like and the right house came on the market in the right area for the right price. We fell in love with our little house and negotiated an agreement before we left the place the first night we looked at it (and good thing we did because the people who had looked at it before us, called right after we had left to make an offer). I’m sure my husband wasn’t ready to propose the day we signed the contract, but by the time we moved in, he’d bought the ring and proposed less than a month later. And now you’d be hard pressed to find a house for the price in the area.
There were times through the process I wondered if buying a house together before marriage (or at least engagement) wasn’t a bit rash, but I think we both really considered what would be best for us, individually and as a couple and it made sense. Though I am dreading changing my name with land titles, I’ve heard it’s a bear.
don’t change your name!
Too late!! besides, I wasn’t super attached to my name and no one ever spelled my last name correctly, so I’m kinda excited to not have to spell out my name, every time (and they’d still get it wrong!)
This thread is making me all weepy…or I’m hormonal. Anyways, I think for most people there is a moment that you just know. I haven’t experienced it, but I asked my dad once (my parents have been happily married for 33 years) and he said he definitely had that moment where he knew my mom was the person he would spend the rest of his life with. He said this moment was on the third date. My mom didn’t have that moment until almost 6 months of dating. Of course to me, both of these time frames sound insane…but obviously to each their own.
Yay, LW! Hopefully we get another update (with engagement pictures*)!
*Could this be a thing – DW Announcements? Who needs the newspaper?
For me the time between “I love you” and “engagement” was strange. Before I love yous were exchanged I would look at him and think “I like you. Hope this goes somewhere.” Then it was “I love you. I hope you love me” then it was “I love you, you love me, hope this means we have a future” then once the ring came it was “yay! I love you and I know we are planning a future together”. Now it is “I love you and we are married and I will do anything to ensure it doesn’t end”