Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Emotional Wreck” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Emotional Wreck” whose relationship with her boyfriend had reached a boiling point over how she parented her two children from a previous relationship. She wrote: “I pulled up to the store and told the kids I would buy them an ice cream since they had been so good. He said I was spoiling them, and he got out of the car and took off walking. When we both finally got home, it was WW3. He began yelling at me extremely loudly saying I need to go to my other boyfriend and that maybe he could take me on all the dates I need to go on. He told me that I am crazy and I need to be on meds and that he will tell everyone I am on drugs even though I would never do them because I don’t like drugs at all and I lost a sister to them two years ago.”

Keep reading to see where things stand now.

Thank you for replying and sorry it took me so long to get back. I did end up leaving him. I packed one day while he was at work and took the kids to a friend’s place. When he came home, I told him that I was done and couldn’t take the stress and anger and resentment any longer. He tried to beg me to stay and said he would change, and I told him it’s been one too many times he has said that. Then I walked out the door and left.

I now have a new job, and the babies are doing great. They are so happy and carefree, and I am so thankful that I finally realized how much the fighting really hurt them. I only wish I would have read the reply before the time that I left. I probably would have left sooner.

Now I am just living for my babies and taking good care of them and “SPOILING” the hell out of them. I am in a better place now, they are in a better place now, and I hear Ben is in a better place now. I see him from time to time around town and he might wave here and there, but I don’t care to stop. I can’t fall back into old patterns, even if I do have feelings for him deep inside. My babies are too important to go back down that road.

Again, thank you for your help. PS, I keep my phone on silent everytime I’m in the car now.

 
I’m so glad to hear you did what’s best for you and your babies … and that you aren’t texting and driving anymore!

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

57 comments… add one
  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 17, 2012, 1:05 pm

    Yay! What a happy update! Glad you’re doing whats best for you and your children!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 2:09 pm

    “I am so thankful that I finally realized how much the fighting really hurt them.”

    I wish every parent out there realized this. Awesome, awesome update. Wishing you the best. Its so rewarding when you know you’re doing the right thing for your kids and seeing the results. I’m so happy for all of you.

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    • avatar

      amy July 17, 2012, 2:37 pm

      What I never understand is how people stay together (in this case they weren’t married) instead of divorcing for the “children”. Children are happier with two HAPPY parents. Not two parents in the same home that are constantly fighting. It boggles my mind that they “stay together for the kids” but the kids lives are hell because of the arguing and fighting.

      Divorce does not destroy families, if it is done properly and the kids are counseled, and the spouses are both happy after the split (with no name calling in front of the children) then everyone is happy.

      I don’t understand why that is so hard for people to see.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 2:42 pm

        I think its one of those things we shouldn’t judge until we’re in it. In some ways, whether right or wrong, they at least are doing what they *think* is right for their kids.
        I’m sure a lot of it depends…on the frequency of fights, how bad they get, their own families, etc. I will say not everyone is always happy after a split, no matter what level of counseling.
        I wish I could remember who addressed this on another thread recently. It was interesting. Of course, the level of fighting this couple was dealing with was certainly one where they needed to MOA (especially given that this was not “dad”).

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      • avatar

        Desiree July 17, 2012, 4:22 pm

        I do think it really is a case by case basis. When I was younger and my family was very turbulent, I sometimes wondered why they didn’t just get divorced. But they stuck it out, and looking back on it, I’m really glad that they did (especially for the sake of my little sister, who benefits from having both my parents near her). But my parents were able to work through their problems, and obviously that doesn’t happen for every couple, so I definitely am not judging divorced couples. In the LW’s case, I am extremely glad that she left the man and is raising her children without him.

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      • avatar

        Lindsay July 17, 2012, 5:46 pm

        I wouldn’t go so far as to say everyone’s happy. My parents’ divorce was the right thing and definitely made my life better. They also have done well not to speak badly of each other, and my mom genuinely enjoyed meeting my stepmom. Blah blah. So, if the alternative is living with two parents that hate each other, then, yeah, divorce is better. But there’s still a lot of baggage that comes from having divorce parents that has nothing to do with their animosity toward each other. The simple facts of not having two parents at home and not having a stable relationship to look up to are big ones. When parents divorce, there are a lot of things you miss out on in your childhood and no amount of counseling is going to change that.

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      • Kristina

        Kristina July 17, 2012, 5:50 pm

        Yes. And two parents who fight constantly and treat each other so poorly = 2 unhappy parents for the children to be around. (And I’m not just talking about some rough patches either). It’s selfish to raise kids in such an environment. I hope I never get divorced, and I don’t advocate for it either, but there are plenty of situations where not divorcing destroys a family even more.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 17, 2012, 2:18 pm

    Finally, an update I can fully agree with. Finally. A LW with true common sense. Finally! A parent who puts their kids first and foremost over their own needs for a man… FINALLY!!

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    • Will.i.am

      Will.i.am July 17, 2012, 2:36 pm

      The joy of security and independence in oneself.

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        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 2:43 pm

        I’ve said it before (the letter where the BF said he wasn’t ready to be their dad)…if more single parents gave being single a chance, they’d see how rewarding and satisfying it can be. You managed to sum that up in a short sentence!

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am July 17, 2012, 2:48 pm

        Hardly anyone does it, because they don’t see themselves being successful on their own. So they look for that success in someone else, when really they should be looking within. I think being a single parent, and dating, is a good thing; however, you have to be able to bring something to the table as well. The LW can do that now, which means she could very easily attract a much better mate the next time around.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 2:53 pm

        So true, all of it.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom July 17, 2012, 3:32 pm

      Parents who have their act together don’t need to write to an advice column to figure out what to do so you’re really only seeing those who do.

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      • avatar

        bethany July 17, 2012, 3:43 pm

        Good point!

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      • avatar

        demoiselle July 18, 2012, 8:35 am

        And that goes for most who write to advice columns. It may be the ONE area in which they can’t see clearly/get their act together, but if they didn’t need help or a new outlook, why write for advice?

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  • call-me-hobo

    call-me-hobo July 17, 2012, 2:21 pm

    YAAYYYY!!! Awesome for you for doing the right thing for your kids and leaving that toxic relationship! I’m so glad that you and your children are doing well!

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  • avatar

    amy July 17, 2012, 2:35 pm

    GOOD. FOR. YOU. True progress, right there!!!!

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  • avatar

    sarita_f July 17, 2012, 2:37 pm

    Fantastic. You got your kids and yourself away from the toxicity, and you stopped the distracted driving. Bravo. Wish my own mother had done what you did.

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  • avatar

    SiSisodaPop July 17, 2012, 2:45 pm

    I’m so glad you left!!! I know how hard it can be. Kudos!

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny July 17, 2012, 3:12 pm

    Yay!! What a great update. Sounds like everything is working out!!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 3:38 pm

    So I hate to be negative here but I have a bone to pick. The update was great – I’m proud of you – seriously you have no idea how much your kids appreciate it. Their lives should be all about happiness. I look back on my childhood with very fond memories – yours should too. Everyone should get to start the world out thinking everything is rainbows and butterflies. And slip and slides, water balloon fights, sports, lemonade and good times.

    But I’m hoping your kids are both under the age of 1. “Babies” is the new “hubby”. Don’t call your kids babies if they’re not! They’re kids. They’re your kids. And it annoys the shit out of me. Use your vocabulary correctly. It just screams helicopter mom that needs some therapy to me.

    Rant over. But kudos on dumping the psychopath.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 3:42 pm

      1, your mama’s a baby.

      2, “baby” doesn’t bother me when someone’s referring to their kids. it’s really annoying though when my friend calls her husband baby. when he calls, it’s “hi, baby. no, baby, the leftovers are on the bottom shelf. ok, baby. yes, baby. love you too, baby. bye, baby.” she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it.

      3, i’m pregnant. imma about to deliver a huge ass baby. that’s what it looks like, anyway. today, after my english muffin with peanut butter and honey, i had lunch consisting of: soup, chips, sandwich, 2 salads, more chips, and spicy tuna maki roll.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 3:52 pm

        God I love your firm. I went to yoga sculpt this morning and I haven’t eaten yet so day 1 of my cleanse is going well. Today had to be day 1 because yesterday I ate everything. So I had to restart. I bought the “teacher” package at corepower because the instructor apparently thought I was a teacher – so I got a good deal and I didn’t know how to tell her I am in fact not a teacher. She just assumed and I didn’t know how to correct her. Hopefully she doesn’t ask me about lesson plans or anything, that could get awkward. So I have unlimited for 1 month. Hopefully I go everyday.

        Baby is annoying when referring to a significant other as well. I just hate cute pet names. I mean Ethan and I have them – but they’re embarrassing and I would die of humiliation if he called me it in front of company or his friends. People have no shame nowadays.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:01 pm

        oh spill it, what are your pet names?

        remember the high school boyfriend who pops in and out of my life and drives me crazy with his “woe is me, I don’t deserve you” shit? we calls me “stinkypants” and i call him “smelly.” i think it’s adorable.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:05 pm

        Yes, do share! I use lame ones and then Peter and the kid fight over it. That’s MY name, no that’s MY name. Or I shout Hun from upstairs and they both come running.
        Such babies.

        What’s with cleanses? Have you done them before? I never have.

        ps Peter sent a text to his coworker today that was meant for me and was filled with gooey stuff. HAHA.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:08 pm

        Hahaha, what did it say? I am sick of you people not spilling your shit. I spill my shit every day, everywhere. Spill it.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:14 pm

        I can’t wait to take your clothes off with my teeth hunnybunny.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:15 pm

        Just kidding!! Nothng crazy, he never forwarded it to me, but he said something like I love you hun

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 4:16 pm

        Oh man that would have been awesome. I’m a little disappointed.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 4:13 pm

        I have never done a cleanse – and I’m not really now. I’m just going to try not to eat for the next 10 days before my big weekend at the lake with a bunch of girls I went to high school with. I clearly have to show them I’m “winning” at life and part of that is being skinny. So we’ll see – I’m sure it will last until tomorrow.

        Our pet names aren’t actually cute – they’ve just morphed into weird things over time – so even if I told you you would be like 1. that’s not a real word and 2. how is that cute or endearing? It’s neither.

        I love Peter. I’ve never done that before but I have sent a bitchy text about someone to that person when it was meant for someone else. That’s always awkward.

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        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:17 pm

        I have a funny accidental text story-
        My dad texted me once to remind me it was my stepmom’s bday. I’m really good at remembering bdays and its my role to remind everyone in the family, so my reply was supposed to be ‘I never forget a birthday dad’ but I was new to the iphone and it said I never forget a butthole. It was pretty funny at the time, funnier than it is typed out like this.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 17, 2012, 4:28 pm

        My boyfriend (um, he still needs a name on here) often just calles me “girlfriend”. He’s the literal sort :p

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:32 pm

        Actually I kind of really love that.

        Ross?

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      • avatar

        rachel July 17, 2012, 4:38 pm

        Haha, I kind of love it too 🙂

        Ross and Rachel? Sure, I’ll take a Friends reference any day!

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      • avatar

        misslisa July 18, 2012, 1:27 am

        Speaking of literal…My brother has always called me “Sister” for as long as I can remember. It made me feel so special…until I went home a couple of years ago to visit him.

        He calls his daughters Sister.
        He calls his female employees Sister.
        He called his BFF’s wife Sister.

        Dammit, I thought I was the only Sister!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 7:24 pm

        In case y’all were wondering my cleanse includes turkey and sour cream and onion chips.

        True Life: I have no willpower.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 3:57 pm

        What kind of soup was it? Bacon and potato? Chicken noodle? Tomato? God it doesn’t matter they’re all good! I’m going to eat vicariously through you for the next 10 days.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:03 pm

        the soups are always really hearty and tasty. and often healthy. but then i go and “fix ’em” up. today was vegetable soup. i added rice and cheese to it. and croutons.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 17, 2012, 6:02 pm

        Mmmm bacon and potato…

        Also, I effing love tomato soup. I put basil, kosher salt, pepper, and fuckloads of parmesan cheese in it until its practically sludge and then dip toast in it. That’s my late-night snackage.

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      • avatar

        bethany July 17, 2012, 4:20 pm

        I have to admit it that my husband and I call eachother baby… When I think about it, it disgusts me, but for some reason when he says it, I’m ok with it.
        However, we only do that at home- not when we’re around other people.

        I also call my cat Mommy’s Little Angel. I have a problem.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:24 pm

        I have a cat named prince charming. Don’t feel bad bethany. You’re neighbors don’t overhear you yelling for a missing prince charming.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:25 pm

        your.
        and now I’m everyone I hate.

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      • rilooyah

        rilooyah July 17, 2012, 5:00 pm

        I call my cat My Old Man pretty much all the time (he is 17 and a half). As in, “where’s My Old Man?” when I walk in the door. His real name is Miffy. Yeah, so I named him in the 8th grade, ok? 🙂

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl July 17, 2012, 6:23 pm

        I call my fiance Old Man!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:03 pm

      I’m gonna have to disagree here on the sole reason that if not for the term “baby” being used improperly, we would not have the world’s greatest movie line ever.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:07 pm

        … I give up, what?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:09 pm

        Hasta la vista, baby!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 17, 2012, 4:11 pm

        Oh about, “Frankly, baby, I don’t give a damn.” Eh, close enough.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:13 pm

        We’re not friends anymore.

        Nobody puts baby in a corner.

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      • rilooyah

        rilooyah July 17, 2012, 4:23 pm

        I’m pretty sure it is “Frankly, my dear, but I dont give a damn.” I luuurve GWTW.

        Also Dirty Dancing. OK random story- the week after we took the Bar my 3 best girlfriends + one’s husband went to the beach in NC and we went grocery shopping and we were all taking stuff up to the house, and my friend’s husband carried the watermelon up and as we were walking in the house he says, “I carried a watermelon?!?!” all incredulously, like in the movie. We all burst out laughing and I knew I loved her husband even more than I already did. (They are sooooo freaking cute together.) Best Dirty Dancing moment Ive had. haha

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        lets_be_honest July 17, 2012, 4:27 pm

        Awesome! I used to say that to my girlfriends in describing how awkward I am around guys, not nearly as cool as your story.

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      • avatar

        demoiselle July 18, 2012, 8:38 am

        And I believe in the book, it’s just “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.” 🙂

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    • rilooyah

      rilooyah July 17, 2012, 4:57 pm

      IWTTS, this bothers me too. And I went back and re-read the letter, and LW talks about one of the kids hitting a homerun, so unless these are SUPER babies, Im going to go with yes, kinda dumb pet name for them. But then maybe she is regressing to before the 5 year relationship with Captain Toxic. Eh? Eh? haha

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        Iwannatalktosampson July 17, 2012, 5:04 pm

        I might just be sensitive to it but I notice it’s a trend of sorts lately and I’m trying to stop it from gaining popularity because it drives me nuts. I know this is embarrassing that this is my example but Brandi on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills uses it to describe her kids and they are 9 and 5. I hate her for them. It is so obnoxious.

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  • rilooyah

    rilooyah July 17, 2012, 4:18 pm

    Yay for the LW!!!! I enjoy great updates (and great soups too, AP- I would so dress up the soup too). I dont think I was even capable of commenting on this letter originally, I was so emotionally scarred just reading it- I cant imagine what it was like to live it! Way to MOA. And also kudos on recognizing that you dont *have* to talk to Ben when you see him out and about.

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  • avatar

    Taylor July 17, 2012, 4:47 pm

    Good for you LW! One thing…awesome sounding changes all around, just make sure to take care of you in addition to your little ones. Maybe consider speaking with someone about those old patterns – it could help you process the residual feelings!

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  • Kristina

    Kristina July 17, 2012, 5:59 pm

    I was wondering about this update, and I’m so glad you left. Your children will thank you someday for putting them first from now on.

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