It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “First Time Lesbian” who was dating a woman for the first time and was disappointed that her mother wouldn’t allow her to bring her girlfriend to family events. Keep reading to see how they’re doing today and whether the girlfriend is welcome to the family Thanksgiving table this year.
Thanks to everyone for your advice — it has helped keep me strong. My girlfriend and I are still happily together and she has been nothing but supportive to me. I do have a couple of comments on my original letter because it wouldn’t be a Dear Wendy update without that, right? No, I did not want or ask to have my girlfriend present last Christmas. That would have been way too soon. Also, yes, I am incredibly grateful for the loving family that I do have. They’ve been nothing but supportive to me. I’ve been essentially out as bisexual to them for years but hadn’t been dating anyone for the last several years because of other circumstances. So, yes, my mom knew of the possibility, and she just chose to pretend it didn’t exist. Her first words to me after I told her I was dating my girlfriend were, “I was afraid of that.”
I wrote in so early because I was afraid of what ended up happening. I have only seen my mom twice since I wrote in and those were for events for my brother’s engagement that she had no control over. She canceled all family events for occasions like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc., and she also did her best to hide information about my grandpa from me. I did go to see my grandpa on my own and eventually did tell him for a number of reasons. Mostly, because after writing in and seeing everyone’s responses, it helped me come to the conclusion that he had a right to know and because I also couldn’t justify lying to him with the addition of the pre-wedding events. His response was, “It’s your choice” though he was rather uncomfortable with the situation. At least it’s out in the open now.
As for Thanksgiving itself, my mom asked for my girlfriend to not come, saying that my grandpa would not be comfortable having her at such a “formal” event. In response, I asked her to respect my choice to not attend. It was fine for a couple of days when she then sent me an inappropriate email which led to a fight which eventually denigrated to us not talking. So that’s where we stand right now. I’m sad and angry that it led to that, but I think that, for now, it’s for the best.
As for my plans, I would love to host Thanksgiving for my family, but logistically it’s just too hard for my siblings as they have their finaces’ Thanksgivings to go to as well. Instead, we’re going to host a Friendsgiving on Thursday and then do the regular events at my dad’s later in the weekend. So I will be spending the long weekend with a lot of really great people.
I’m sorry your mother hasn’t come around to accepting your girlfriend, but I’m happy to hear the other members of your family and circle of friends are so supportive. Often, that’s the best most of us can hope for, regardless of our sexual orientation. And if you have a Thanksgiving that includes a lot of great people who love you, including a wonderful girlfriend, then it sounds like you have a lot to be grateful for this year. And kudos to you for not hiding your girlfriend from your grandfather.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.