Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Fit To Be Crossed” Responds

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Fit To Be Crossed” whose boyfriend was so obsessed with CrossFit that he skipped her daughter’s high school graduation to attend a CrossFit party. Keep reading to see whether she’s still fit to be crossed.

I recently found out my boyfriend of six years has been having an affair for the last nine months with someone he met at his gym. He took her on a few trips. He told me three months ago that he needed a break to clear his head, and then we got back together. Then he told me he couldn’t get this girl from the gym out of his head and he had to date her in order to move on with us.

Well then, after I left, he came running back to me telling me he made a huge mistake–which then ticked her off. He then contacted my ex-husband through Facebook with her number. I called her because I knew my boyfriend wasn’t being upfront with me. She told me the ugly truth. Every bit of it and then some. I had to block her number and so did my boyfriend. She won’t stop. She even came in his house at 3 a.m. the other night. He had been lying to me all along, but now he says that he knows what he wants, which is for us to get married. All I can say is good for him. He may know now that I’m the one he wants, but I, as you can imagine, am devastated. Nothing is what it seemed. It was the ultimate betrayal. So as you can imagine, I am not happy.

 
When I read her update, I asked the LW what she was going to do — stay with him or MOA. She said:

I don’t know. We’ve been together a long time. I do or did love him. I’m glad he figured out what he wants. But how do I forgive the betrayal? The ultimate betrayal. It’s not like it was a one night stand, it was a nine-month relationship with another woman. It goes against everything I believe in to take him back. I cry everyday. I’m sick. It was so wrong. What would you do?

I replied: I’d MOA.

And then she said that that was what she thought, too.
Good luck, LW!
***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

61 comments… add one
  • bagge72

    bagge72 November 7, 2013, 10:08 am

    Wowzer, I can’t believe you even took this joker back!

    PS I actually know 4 people who do crossfit who actually have cheated or are cheating on their significant others, mostly because it was with my friends, so I wonder if this is a common thing that happens because of how close these people get with each other? It could be because this particular group of people have always been friends and all act alike, and kind of encourage this when they are all out drinking.

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland November 7, 2013, 10:18 am

      I think Crossfit is a vague kind of a cult, and would not be surprised if this sort of cheating is relatively common. You spend LOADS of time together, there are all kinds of hormones being thrown around, and there’s this like specific culture/set of unsaid rules/pecking order that reminds me a lot of high school. Mix those all together and of course some people are going to loose their own sense of what is going on.

      I don’t like loads of “teamwork” paired with someone telling me what to do, so this sort of thing just pisses me off. But I know people who do it and really love it, so whatever works!

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      • avatar

        Banana November 7, 2013, 11:03 am

        YES! Thank you! I think it’s a cult too. Well, sort of a cult. I think that people who are really into fitness tend to be drawn toward each other in the first place, because it can become so time-consuming that if your mate isn’t into it, you’re barely going to see each other. And it’s a lifestyle, attitude thing. But CrossFit is even above and beyond that. It just seems to be…all-encompassing? Like, I think to some hardcore CrossFit people, fitness is practically part of their religion. I just can’t imagine not being a fitness person, and dating someone in CrossFit.

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana November 7, 2013, 11:13 am

        CrossFit imo verges on cult territory and I honestly can say I would never date someone who was into it, because although I enjoy fitness and working out-its just too much for me. It creeps me out and does not even surprise me that people who are into it would cheat on significant others who are not into it because it becomes this life-force driving obsession and its like people eat sleep drink and just are CrossFit, so if you were dating someone who didn’t share that passion/obsession and were constantly surrounded by other people who did, yeah not a far stretch to cheating.

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      • Cassie

        CassieB November 7, 2013, 10:51 pm

        CrossFit zombies…

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland November 7, 2013, 11:22 am

        I talk about this with Benjamin a lot, but basically… I could never be in a relationship with someone who worships at the altar of anything. I don’t care if they worship at the altar of religion, science, cross-fit, art, a romantic partner, whatever. I get having interests, and passions even. But I’m a life-omnivore and want the same in a partner.

        “Giving your all” to one person or one industrial fitness complex is not a lifestyle that I could have or even (dare I say it?) respect. Once people get sucked into this, I wonder if what they are talking about is what they really think or believe, or simply what they have heard so many times that they assume it is truth (I’m thinking the paleo diet that goes along with cross fit). And omnivore-lifestyle allows someone to pull back and have a little perspective, which I think is really valuable.

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      • katie

        katie November 7, 2013, 11:58 am

        WAS. absolutely!

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      • muchachaenlaventana

        muchachaenlaventana November 7, 2013, 12:30 pm

        yeah x1000

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      • avatar

        starpattern November 7, 2013, 12:38 pm

        Yes, this!!

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones November 7, 2013, 5:00 pm

        I am too weird a hybrid to belong to a cult anymore. While I do think the Paleo diet is a good idea for many inflammatory conditions ( I eat a modified paleo diet), I also am a practitioner of Ashtanga yoga and most yogis are vegetarian. So both groups would kick me out. I just do what I do. But anyway, this guy sounds like a self absorbed baby. It seems like it is all and only about “what he wants” (I want this woman, No! THAT woman! ) so I would MOA and let him cry it out.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest November 7, 2013, 5:04 pm

        I always assumed when people said ‘im giving it my all’ they just meant they do that with many things. Like, I “give my all” at work, I “give my all” at parenting, but even dumb shit like I “give my all” at whatever little thing I’m doing. Not just one thing only, ever.

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      • avatar

        Lucy November 7, 2013, 6:09 pm

        Crossfit’s not a cult. There are plenty of people who are into it without being obsessive (my husband included). Like any other activity (yoga, fantasy football, WoW) it has its obsessive subculture. A at least its obsessives get some exercise.

        The real problem with Crossfit is it acts like those kipping pullups are real pullups. That’s some bullshit right there.

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    • avatar

      mertlej November 7, 2013, 11:32 am

      I know someone too- she cheated on her bf of 7 years, he cheated on his (pregnant) wife. Not awesome.

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    • avatar

      BreezyAM November 8, 2013, 12:21 am

      Same here. This is why the CrossFit folks I know who are in couples do it together

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  • katie

    katie November 7, 2013, 10:14 am

    damn!

    at least you know now. take that comfort at least.

    and yea, id probably leave him too. he could have at least talked with you about the whole thing…. not cool.

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  • avatar

    TECH November 7, 2013, 10:17 am

    LW, I know you’re going through a lot right now, but please don’t get back together with this guy. You should be in a relationship where the person really respects and values you.
    “he told me he couldn’t get this girl from the gym out of his head and he had to date her in order to move on with us.”
    I would never ever be with someone who told me he had to date someone else in order to be with me.

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    • katieosaurus

      Dino November 7, 2013, 1:35 pm

      Ugh, I did it once. Not worth it, AT ALL. It just led to more hurt feelings and pointless arguments. DON’T DO IT LW

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle November 7, 2013, 10:17 am

    Dude, yeah. Just leave him. Not only did he lengthily cheat on you, he’s still sort of tangled up in the whole thing (if the woman showed up at the house “the other night”). Depart from this drama.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary November 7, 2013, 10:18 am

    Wow! I’d move on as well. You deserve someone who will treat you better and doesn’t want to be with you just because you’re going to leave him.

    Also, I could see cheating being common in the crossfit community because of the amount of time they spend together.

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      kerrycontrary November 7, 2013, 10:20 am

      Oh also…be very careful in this situation. Like this is the perfect/typical set up for a domestic violence event because of the obsessed other woman, your hurt feelings, your boyfriends emotions. Just watch out for yourself and your kids. You may even want to keep your kids at your ex-husbands if that’s possible for the time being.

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  • Addie Pray

    Addie Pray November 7, 2013, 10:19 am

    Wow – good luck, LW! Be strong!

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle November 7, 2013, 10:19 am

    I don’t understand the line about him Facebooking her ex-husband with the woman’s number. Was he like “hey dude, here’s this chick that will give you some”?

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 10:29 am

      Right?! That detail was bizarre.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh November 7, 2013, 10:40 am

      I was kind of confused but after reading it a few times I thought maybe at that point she wasn’t talking to the bf but was talking to the ex-husband? And maybe the message was something like you should give LW this girl’s # so she can talk it out? I mean not that it makes ANY more sense. But, that’s how I read it. Talk about some crazy weird drama!

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    • avatar

      rachel November 7, 2013, 10:48 am

      I thought maybe, he was trying to get the number to HER so she would call the other woman. Maybe he thought she would…corroborate that it was over or something.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC November 7, 2013, 12:30 pm

      I am confused as well. I don’t use FB – but is it possible he was using the woman’s phone to FB with the ex? When someone messages you on FB, are you able to tell if they are using a phone and see the number? That doesn’t seem likely either.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh November 7, 2013, 12:44 pm

        you can’t see the number no. i still think that he was trying to get the LW to talk to the girl from cross fit so she could see that it was ‘over’ or whatever. which is just as weird. i think the only place the phone came in was he was trying to share the girl’s number with the LW.

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        Lily in NYC November 8, 2013, 9:56 am

        Thanks jlyfsh. I didn’t think so but it just doesn’t make sense either way!

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  • GatorGirl

    GatorGirl November 7, 2013, 10:41 am

    If your relationship is making your cry everyday…you should leave. Seriously, what’s the point?

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  • avatar

    rachel November 7, 2013, 10:48 am

    Yikes, so sorry LW, what a sucky update. I hope you leave him.

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  • avatar

    bethany November 7, 2013, 10:54 am

    Please MOA. It’s going to be hard, but a future with this guy is going to be even harder. It’s not worth it.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. November 7, 2013, 11:34 am

    If anyone ever said to me that he had to date someone else in order to move on with me, I honestly don’t know what I would say. I would probably just stare at him. Did he say that with a straight face? Did he actually expect you to accept it? How does that sound good on any level? {I’m picturing him rehearsing it in his mind. “Yeah, that’s good, that’s what I’ll say. She’ll totally buy it.” ) What goes through the minds of some men? How stupid does he think you are? Biggest crock of BS ever. I’m just totally blown away by that. This guy is a player. MOA as fast as possible. Yes, you loved him, but he never loved you. Not if he thinks you’re that big of an idiot. Let the other woman have him. She probably deserves him. PIck yourself up and move on. Find someone who respects you. Please.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 November 7, 2013, 1:02 pm

      I mean to his credit if this happened “Yeah, that’s good, that’s what I’ll say. She’ll totally buy it.” Then it actually worked.

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      • avatar

        MMcG November 7, 2013, 2:00 pm

        Yeah, she sadly already answered the who would be so stupid to accept this question…

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 7, 2013, 2:45 pm

        Sadly, I think you are right. He played her like a violin. Although from reading the letter, I think she initially dumped him, then took him back after he gave her the I-made-a-huge-mistake speech. That gives me hope. Not trying to bash her. He knew what buttons to push and he pushed them. This is the chance we take when we love somebody. Hopefully, she will learn from this and never fall for something like that again. Every day is a new chance for redemption, right? But, I still can’t get over it! Of all the wild things guys have said to me, they never said that. Holy crap. If there was a crock-of-BS prize, he’d win it, for sure.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. November 7, 2013, 2:46 pm

        Hyphens are my friends.

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix November 7, 2013, 11:47 am

    So I’ll be honest, while the lying and the cheating would be a punch to the gut for me, I don’t think I could stand a guy who breaks up with twice in short succession because he’s “unsure”. I mean, it seems to me like he’s only sure now because he realized the other women was boundary-crossing and clingy. I’d be “sure” too if one of the women I was with started visiting me early in the morning after I break it off. If she’s doing that now, I think you know why he broke it off before. I don’t want to be someone’s best bet, I want to be the only bet they’re willing to bet on.

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    • muchachaenlaventana

      muchachaenlaventana November 7, 2013, 12:32 pm

      good point.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 12:03 pm

    I understand being forgiving but I think it’s more important to be able to look yourself in the mirror everyday and respect the choices you make. The easy thing to do would be to stay with him. He’s familiar. I get that. But do you really want to be the type of person that puts up with that? What does that say about you?

    Sometimes I think I’m lucky that my pride gets me in the way of forgiving. I can see the internal struggle people go through when deciding whether a S/O’s actions are forgivable. Please look at this from the outside. This is black and white not okay.

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    • avatar

      TECH November 7, 2013, 12:10 pm

      Sometimes deciding to forgive your significant other is a cop out, because for some people, deciding to stay with someone is less painful than leaving them. Sure, there are cases when forgiveness is warranted, but is it weird to say that in some instances, forgiveness can be cowardly?

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    • avatar

      Liquid Luck November 7, 2013, 4:25 pm

      I think people often confuse forgiving for acting like something never happened, when that’s not what it’s supposed to be about. The LW can absolutely be forgiving toward this guy without taking him back, but it sounds like she thinks that she can’t separate those actions. I mean, she makes it sounds like she had to either forgive him and get back together with him OR not forgive him and stay away, when it’s perfectly possible to forgive him for being a giant douchecanoe without continuing to date him. The forgiveness is in acknowledging his flaws, empathizing with his humanity, and letting go of any anger or negative feelings toward him. It does not have to against him for it (which, really, benefits the forgiving as much as the forgiven).include rewarding him for recognizing that he behaved badly, just not holding a grudge.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 4:46 pm

        Wow you’re right I don’t even think I consciously make that distinction. So I guess I am really forgiving, I just never get back together with people that do shitty things and I never remain friends that do shitty things either. What a productive day. I really feel like I just had a mini break through there.

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        Liquid Luck November 7, 2013, 10:37 pm

        Yeah, I think a lot of people don’t make that distinction, and it’s pretty clear this LW is one of them. I may be projecting, but that sounds like a Catholic-guilt inspired thing (I know I was certainly raised that way, and it took me a long time to realize it wasn’t a very healthy way to live). Now I like to live by the “forgive but don’t forget” policy. And really, I forgive other people out of pure selfishness, because otherwise I’d just be angry all the time. If someone did something bad enough to warrant being cut out of my life, I probably don’t really care about relieving their guilt or making them feel better about it.

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        starpattern November 7, 2013, 6:07 pm

        Great description, Liquid Luck. Love it.

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  • avatar

    Lily in NYC November 7, 2013, 12:28 pm

    Ugh, in the original letter’s comments, I wrote that he was probably going to cheat with someone from the gym and now I feel bad about it. Sorry OP, this sucks. But you would be insane to take him back – this guy isn’t worth it. It will hurt, but you know you will get over it and be happier in the long run.

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 12:46 pm

      It is always validating and sad when you find out you were right about stuff like that.

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      • avatar

        Lily in NYC November 8, 2013, 9:57 am

        Well put! That’s exactly how I felt.

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  • Copa

    Copa November 7, 2013, 1:12 pm

    Ugh. This made me sad. LW, move on. This is just… really, really not an okay situation to put up with.

    Also, “She even came in his house at 3 a.m. the other night.” ——> makes my craziest seem not crazy at all, so that was nice.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle November 7, 2013, 1:34 pm

      Is anyone else skeptical that this woman is actually cray? My first thought was that the rest of that sentence was left off: “GOD, she’s nuts, she came over at 3 a.m!!!!!” ….for sex, after I was like “baby come over”

      (Sorry, I feel mean making light? but I’m not actually kidding, because who even knows with this guy?)

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      • katie

        katie November 7, 2013, 1:46 pm

        it could probably go either way. i believe that there are batshit crazy women out there just as much as i believe some guy would invite a girl over for sex late at night and then claim she “showed up” like a crazy person.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 1:47 pm

        Yeah I believe both because I know both, haha.

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  • avatar

    Sleepy Girl November 7, 2013, 1:33 pm

    I can see where some people get all caught up in CrossFit. But I think you are over generalizing. I started doing it 3 months ago. I go for one hour 3x a week. They don’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t do that stupid paleo diet. I just think it is a great workout. Anyone can get obsessed about anything. There is the guy who works on his hot rod 8 hours a day, the guy that is always going to clubs. Just because some people are really into a fitness craze, doesn’t make it a cult. Don’t diss something you really know nothing about. Also, people cheat everywhere, no matter what. Gyms in general are rife with cheating because some people go there to make themselves hotter — more appealing — and then get caught up in some relationship because someone feeds that ego.

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    • avatar

      Banana November 7, 2013, 2:22 pm

      good point, well taken!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 2:27 pm

      Yeah I think I made that comment on the original thread. And if your hobby is something that is really healthy – working out and eating right – well that should be celebrated in this country of laziness and over indulgence.

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      • meadowphoenix

        meadowphoenix November 7, 2013, 4:50 pm

        It’s weird when people say this is the country of laziness when as a country we work more hours and more of the year than other comparable countries.

        and France is the country of over-indulgence, lbr.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson November 7, 2013, 10:51 pm

        I didn’t say an unproductive society. I said lazy. As in we watch too much tv and don’t walk or move our asses in other ways.

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  • avatar

    AKchic November 7, 2013, 2:27 pm

    Too much drama, mama.

    It’s time to walk away. He had his chance and he pissed it away for some gym-chick. Now he knows she’s off her rocker and he wants a sane woman again? This is so not your problem anymore. Walk away, for you, for your kid (I think I remember you having a kid or two) and for your poor ex-husband, who shouldn’t be CALLED UP by your (hopefully ex) boyfriend and brought into this drama.

    Sure, it will hurt for a bit, but you’re already hurting, and you’ll always have lingering doubt that he could cheat again. Plus this other girl may continue to present problems for years depending on how the relationship was and how he breaks it off and her own mental (in)stability.
    Walk away and respect yourself more than he did.

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  • avatar

    tangerbean November 7, 2013, 2:34 pm

    There’s really no question of whether you should get back together or not but I know it’s easier said than done. After each of my real relationships, I always have that thought of “What if I never find anyone again that makes me feel the way he did??” but then you have to realize… good! Because how are you feeling? Sad, betrayed, broken. You DON’T want someone that will make you feel that way again! Imagine yourself 5 years down the road and think about what you’d say to yourself now. It’s probably along the lines of “Don’t even give that guy a second thought because you deserve so much more. You WILL move on. You WILL find someone new. And you’ll be glad you didn’t waste anymore time with him.”

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay November 7, 2013, 6:53 pm

    “It goes against everything I believe in to take him back.”

    Then don’t.

    If you were honestly what he wanted, he wouldn’t have cheated. And if he had never figured out or even tried to figure out what he wanted in six years, then there’s no reason to believe him now.

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  • avatar

    Leslie November 7, 2013, 8:08 pm

    MOA! You can do it LW. You deserve to be happy and to be with someone you love AND trust. Don’t settle for anything less.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite November 8, 2013, 10:05 am

    I just read somewhere that people who start to diet are much more likely to have an affair than others. It was in a book about willpower and went on to give other examples of people giving up one bad habit for another.

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